So a little backstory. Hubby and I have been together since I was 19, him 29. 11 years later, we're married (7 years) have an 8yo daughter and a 5yo son. Our marriage is great in all ways but one. Honestly, we rarely argue, agree on where we want to be in a year, 5 years, 10 years time. We are usually on the same page re: parenting. He has been very supportive of me during my long years battle with depression and anxiety. He adores the kids and they adore him.
The one area that is not great is out sex life. There is no passion. I'm lucky to get a dry lipped peck goodnight. If I want a hug, it's up to me to seek it. We don't hold hands or cuddle in bed at night. We have not had sex in 6 years! At first I thought that it was because I was pregnant with our son (he was like that when I was pregnant with our daughter too). Then I thought the lack of sex was due to being tired with having a newborn. Soon after that I went through a particularly hard episode of depression, so I wasn't really interested in sex. But just last week I decided to approach him about our sex life as I had dropped some not so subtle hints in the previous few months about reigniting that area of our marriage only to met with disinterest. During the course of the conversation I asked if he wanted to start having sex again and he said he "didn't know", to whip I pointed out that it was really a thing you couldn't be unsure about - either you did or didn't. I inquired as to whether he pleasured himself and told me he did (from which I inferred that he still has the drive). Eventually he told that he wasn't attracted to me and hasn't been for years and that's why he doesn't want to have sex with me.
When we first met, I was a healthy weight, but have since put on about 30kgs from having kids, getting older and medications, and I'll admit from not looking after myself. I'm happy to tell you that I have taken control of my weight issues and have already lost a 1/4 of the 30kgs in the last few months.
I have always suffered from low self-esteem and low self worth, especially where my looks are concerned and I was actually feeling quite proud of myself with my recent results. But this one conversation has wiped it all away, and now I have found my depression has got worse.
I keep replaying the conversation in my head, it's all I can think about - how I must disgust my husband so much that he can't bring himself to be intimate with me, that masturbation is the better and preferred option for him. That he can't look past his own selfish desires to help me fulfil my own needs. And it's not just the sex that I miss, it's the intimacy you share, the connection you make during the act of lovemaking. Being close to my hubby and having a moment that is truly just about us, and not kids or work or family and friends. And it hurts so much that he doesn't want that at all. And JFi, he is not my "ideal" fantasy guy. He is thin, but he lacks definition and muscles (think Vin Diesel, lol) but looks don't matter to me like it seem to him. I have this feeling that he wants me how I was when I was 19 and that is completely unrealistic! I'm never going to look like that again - two kids and neglecting myself for too long has seen to that. Even if I lose the all of the 30kgs I doubt I will be attractive to him. I then I think that shit, this is it! I'm 30 and the side of my life (sex and intimacy) is all over. I don't want to go the next 50-60 years like this! And now all I feel is that if my own husband can't see past my flaws and love me despite them, is able to put aside his own ideals to make me feel good about myself, how can I? How can I expect anyone else to see me for me and not what I look like.
So my question is, what can I do to get over this. How can move on and accept that my sex life is over and done with now?
Please no suggestions of leaving my hubby. That will simply not happen.
Sorry for the post being so long. And thanks in advance for any advice.
7 Replies
Congrats on already losing 1/4 of the 30kgs! Thats MASSIVE!!! My hat goes off to you. I hope you are feeling better as well. I understand what you mean - that leaving hubby is just not an option. I can't say I have been in the same situation as you, but I would like to say. Maybe if you can take another approach, as you are starting to loose weight, set yourself another goal, once you reach that, go out and buy yourself something "sexy", something that makes you feel Amazing as well. Maybe with your showing your more confident in yourself and you want to flaunt it to hubby he may just notice you again and WANT you! :) Maybe Surprise him one night :) Start with a body massage for him or something along those lines and see where that ends up. Of course he want's to have sex with you again - males are males. Please just don't try to change yourself too much for him - do it for you :) Hopefully your sex life is not over! Good Luck xx
Big hugs for you in this. I agree with the other commentor in saying you need to get your self esteem back and realise just how beautiful you are - regards of what others or the world tells you you should look like! Do this for you - and not just for him...
This is also another reason porn frustrates me so much :-( It really does create unrealistic expectations in people and takes away that intimacy that is meant to be shared between couples... *sigh*
Please, please, please don't put all the problems he is having down to your physical changes.
It could really be more to do with him than you imagine.
You can certainly help yourself to feel better and feel more attractive but you cannot and should not take responsibility for what is ultimately his problem.
Love needs to weather kids, weight change, ups and downs and he needs to get in touch with you in other ways besides his idea of your physical attractiveness.
Surround yourself with positive people with a common purpose (eg fitness) and he will either get back on-board or you'll just feel more awesome and things will change on your terms.
Are you getting counselling/therapy for your depression? If not then please seek it. You are taking all the blame for this and its not your fault. Your sex life may not be over, if you think of it that way then it almost sounds like you are giving up before you try. This is obviously his issue that he needs to fix. Find out why he isnt attracted to you, find out what changed, find out if he wants to be attracted to you again, find out if he is willing to fix it. These are very hard questions to ask and hear the answers for so it may be a good idea to seek out some couples therapy as well. Once you know the why, you both (him especially) can work on changing it. He needs to remember why he was attracted to you and look at your with those eyes again and see all the wonderful parts of you. Attraction isnt all superficial and there may be more going on in his mind than what he has told you, perhaps he also has depression, or if porn is involved maybe there is an addiction. Whatever it is it can be fixed as long as you both are willing.
Am I the only person who thinks been attracted to someone goes beyond looks?
in past relationships I can honestly say if I wasn't i love with them I would not have been attracted to them sexually.
he's been honest and its a start. Maybe counseling will help. I'm sorry I can't help much.
Thanks for the replies ladies. I will take everything on board and hopefully start to make positive changes. I am currently seeking help with my own issues - I probably should address these issue with my psych too. Thanks again ladies. It is much appreciated!
I could have written this exact thing myself :-/
Im still at a loss how to fix it... it has caused multiple issues in my marriage and actually been the main reason for seperation twice :-/
It gets better for awhile then goes again argh drives me nuts!! Anyway no real advice just wanted to say you are not alone.