I've been separated for 10 months now, we were together for 10 years. My ex is a narcissist, abusive, & compulsive liar. He was also dependant on alcohol and weed.
I have happily set up a new home with our kids, I am happy and content in all aspects of my life except I struggle to move past the lies and alcohol dependency. I have had casual hook ups, no problem as I know there was nothing emotional involved, just mutual satisfaction however when I have started to consider dating then I start to wonder if a guy is lying and deceiving me as my ex had done. I also have an issue if a guy drinks, I'm slowly getting better but I still withdraw.
I did months of councelling to deal with the emotional abuse.
How do I get my ability to trust people back?
4 Replies
Having personal experience with this, for me, it took years, not months. After being in a toxic relationship, it takes a lot longer to heal because you don't only lose a partner, you lose yourself and all your self esteem. You are hooking up, trying to date and are willing yourself to be over it, but unfortunately it can't be rushed, it takes time. My opinion, keep up the counselling, but change your focus from finding a man to other things like kids, study, hobbies, work etc. Be a woman who doesn't need a man because men can smell your desperation a mile off and that is why women in abusive relationships end up in another one so quickly. Just be for a bit, being single is quite addictive, try it, you might love it. When you are well and truly ready, youwill know, believe me. Good luck, I hope you and your kids, find peace and contentment.
Take it slow! Expect someone to date you for a long time before you get emotionally involved with them. Return to counselling so you can learn to recognise healthy and unhealthy behaviours and you have someone to talk through when you are triggered etc.
but slow and steady.
OP here. It's not that I am focused on finding a man. I have had one or two interested and then I withdraw.
My focus has been on the kids and myself, but I do understand where you are coming from & appreciate what you are saying.
I have already looked into study and found what I want to do, and my focus is on work. I am quite capable of taking care of things around the home without needing a guy to do it.
I just find that when a guy shows more interest I pull away.
I grew up with my parents having person after person in their life and have watched other family members hop from partner to partner so I am wary of doing the same.
I also know my worth now, it's just I struggle to believe people mean what they say.
You keep having counseling! Ten months is not long. Heal yourself first. You need to reset your internal gauges, to relearn how to trust your own judgement/intuition