"This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free." This is a fantastic and inviting welcome to your page. However, it's not really carrying forth in too many instances. I see women who are clearly struggling post something only to be shot down and arguments occur on their thread. How does this make the poster feel? Better?
I've seen posts where women were automatically told to leave their husbands rather than offering additional ideas on how to work through their relationships which was their original request. Or worse, everything left, right and centre is DV so she must leave in order to be a good mother. Remember, DV is only just coming out in the open for families to start addressing, and rather than give options for families to survive and grow through the experience, so many people advocate for the throw away society we've become. And I don't mean clear cut cases of danger, I mean offering advice that can help or else referring on to counselling. If both wont attend then re-look at the situation. Don't just advise people to walk away. The other reason not to is because no one on this site really knows what goes on within the 4 walls of a marriage. They don't understand and cannot hear vocal inflections on how a sentence may read or the intention behind them because there are no visual cues.
I've written in on this page and had great advice from clearly intelligent and communicatively competent people. I've also had incredibly awful assumptions made about me and my family situation based on a blind observation. I can live with that, some people are just ignorant and would never in a million years say these things to your face. However I've seen other mothers slammed who are clearly struggling and calling out for help, but told they're being selfish and petty etc. The most common denominator is that most of these shitty comments are made based on peoples own experiences that don't actually apply to the poster. The responder is just making it about them and replying as such.
Here's the thing, mental health is a big deal. It's real. I personally have real concerns for some of the posters on this page and how they will cope with the feedback they're getting. There are fewer supports in our community and people don't talk to each other anymore so they post in on these sites and take their chances that responders will be kind and supportive. Well that's not what the introduction to this site says. So if you can't say something that you wouldn't say in person with compassion and empathy, don't say anything. You're talking to real people with real families. And in too many instances, you're making it worse! Don't be that human who feeds their own ego by giving people "a good talking to", be that person who tries to lift the poster. Remember, they're in pain. Don't add to it.
Blast away I guess.
5 Replies
I agree whole heartedly with you! Especially the DV side. I have been there and sometimes it’s not a case of “just leaving” you want to leave but when there’s kids involved it is scary to think you still have to hand your children over. You can’t just run. The system is broken and still views the abuser as a parent with rights. So many kids and women die this way because the abuser needs a relationship with their child. In my opinion it should be 100% about the CHILD and their right to live a safe, happy and calm life. Parental rights should go out the window where significant risks are evident.
It bothers me when people start their advice with "umm?" like 'Umm... Just leave?' or 'Umm... You just discipline your kid's.
I read it as 'Umm... The answer to this is so obvious, you're stupid for posting the question!'
I rarely comment on the facebook page anymore because people are just looking to be argumentative and go out of their way to try and invalidate opinions that are different to their own, rather than offering helpful and practical advice to the OP.
It's blindingly obvious that some of the posters here are in pretty dire emotional states. They really don't need to be told they're overeating, to suck it up, they're being petty or jealous or that other people have bigger problems so they basically don't have the right to be upset. Dismissing someone's issues like that is as unhelpful as you can get.
I also dislike the "just leave" advice, even when leaving is the safest option. A lot of people in these situations don't know how to leave!
Sometimes it's hard to convey your point through text but some people go out of their way to be arrogant and condescending.
totally agree
Agree! Especially with the “just leave” comments, although I’m sure well intended it’s not so easy, and in extreme DV cases very dangerous to just leave without proper support. Things should always be said with tact,empathy, support and kindness, I’ve seen quite a few amazing responses that were ‘devils advocates’ roles but they were said so beautifully that it had impact in all the right ways, and sooooooo many comments said that basically just shouted ‘I’m better so I’ll tell you what you need to do’ and it’s so sad that some people just respond to get their own gratification and self fulfilment rather than a helpful or supportive response to someone looking for advice.
Exactly.
I've posted a question before and the majority of responses were really people just being smart asses (for lack of a better term), it made me feel like a bit of an idiot for even asking and I'm a fairly resilient person. I don't know how I would have dealt with the comments if I were in a really fragile emotional state.