I have a son who is now 6. He has no contact with his father, father's choice I was told to not contact him 2 years ago and haven't heard from him since as I don't contact him. Had my phone number and address, but no effort. The only contact my son has with the biological part of his father's side is when they meet us at the park once a year for his birthday and they send a Christmas present, this is purely to make themselves feel better, I've encouraged the relationship with the great grandma (my sons great grandma is the only one who really visits once a year with my sons "aunt" who is only a few years older so more like cousins.) as my son has been too young to really understand, but last year he did and it broke my heart when he wants to meet up with his cousin (he asked a few weeks after but has forgotten I think since because was a year ago.) and they have no interest outside of his birthday.. Now it my sons birthday coming up again and I've had a call from the great grandma, now I'm wondering if I should still encourage their relationship, whilst it's not toxic and she is a nice enough lady for the few hours a year we see her, I just don't think its healthy, one of the things I hated was his father coming and going as he pleased and now grandma is going to do it too? Not mention the whole messy situation of explaining who she even is, because my son calls his step father (of 5 years) his dad and his family treat him like there own, so to say "this is your dads grandma" to my six year old who has a grandma is weird to me.. Especially when the women he knows as grandma is actually present.. Should I just let him see her, encourage the relationship and take it as it comes with his questions? Or am I doing more harm then good by letting them come and go? Should I tell them that need to be more consistent, Or it won't happen again next year? I feel bad for even thinking about cutting them out, I want my sons to know these people, but is he really knowing them when it's once a year? Thanks!
8 Replies
Personally I wouldnt bother with it. Hes not a thing to parade and show to people for a few hours once a year, seems very one sided.
I know you want them to be a part of your sons life but ask yourself if it's actually in his best interests. It can be really confusing having this kind of inconsistency.
Kind of sounds like my dad, visits once a year at X'mas. My kids don't even associate him as family, he's just that man who brings presents.
I would just mention that he got upset and confused last year, and that since it only happens once a year, you think it’s best it doesn’t happen at all. See how they take it. If they carry on, say you’ll give them one more chance, they can do the catch up but you’d like a bit more consistency through out the year. And if they fail at that, don’t even give them the chance next year.
How far away does Grandma live from you? Is distance a contributing factor as to why you only see her yearly?
She lives about a half an hour drive from me.
I'd ghost them out. Sorry but once a year isn't worth it. I'm not one to expect people to be involved every week, 3 or 4 visits a year makes sense.
How far away does the grandma live? And how capable is she of getting around? We only see my husbands family once a year and we have to be the ones to travel to them - distance and finances are a contributing factor. And yep, sometimes I feel like it's all one sided and we're the only ones bothering to make an effort.
I would discuss it with her - mention that your son really enjoyed seeing them last birthday and was asking after his cousin and that he would like more contact - offer some other options of contact that you're comfortable with wether it be phone calls, letters, visits. Put the ball in her court and at least give her the opportunity to make more of an effort. If she doesn't then you have your answer and you at least feel you gave the relationship every opportunity
I had this with my own mother she would pick and chose when she wanted to be my kids nana. My kids where so confused. Along with other factors chose to cut her out of my families lives its so much easier.