Hi IM's,
I'll try keep this short. I've been with my partner since the beginning of the year. I've got a 12 yo son and he has an 11 yo son and 9 yo daughter. He is a full time dad as the children's mother has issues of mental health and drug and alcohol dependency. He also works full time.
My issue is with his son's behaviour. He will swear (even using F and C words), has loud random outbursts of noise, talks back to his father (even to me at times). He is very awkward socially, will have the tv up too loud and needs to be told to turn it down. He will annoy my son when I take him over, to the point where my son has been in tears a few times and has begged to go home. The list keeps on going!
I've spoken to my partner about this months ago, saying his son needs boundaries and needs to be told to not annoy my son, however he was reluctant to "single out" his son saying that approach wouldn't be productive. Instead nothing got done and I just stopped going over when my son was with me.
His behaviour recently seems to be getting worse. He does nothing to contribute to the household and doesn't do any chores. I spoke to my partner about this again and still he seems very reluctant to change his approach. I feel his son my even be somewhere on the spectrum although I'm certainly no expert on this.
We have completely different parents styles and I'm not sure where to go from here??
6 Replies
Here is my thinking. Yes, the child sounds like he has some issues going on. The father isn’t going to change his parenting style ever, that’s been going on too long for it to change.
It’s not ok to continue to take your son there. You know that.
But you have to acknowledge that this relationship can’t be more than it is now because your kids won’t be able to live together.
If you are ok with that, then continue the relationship and accept that his parenting style is not your parenting style. If you want more then it’s time to cut your losses and go your separate ways.
The thing is youre looking at is as another kids parent and hoe it affects your kid and your standards. But this is not your child and your home, and all children need a place where they can be themselves. If he has extra challenges then I do think that expecting to impose your standards on him is wrong.
If you want itto work you will need to understand all of him and where his dads at and where hes going and his parenting style and you could find some strategies that will help HIM but if youre only coming in annoyed and wanting it to be different to meet your needs its just not going to work.
I was in a similar situation - moved in with my partner and his 11 year old daughter who he had sole custody of and my 2 kids (daughter 9 and son 7). We all lived together under one roof for 3 years. He parented his daughter with no boundaries or consequences, basically treated her like an adult and rewarded her for bad behaviour. After 3 years I realised his “parenting” style was not going to change so I left as I didn’t want to raise my kids in that environment and remain in a home where there was no respect for adults. Fast forward 5 years and we are still together but don’t live together. His daughter is now 19 - dropped out of school at 16, unemployed and has no motivation to look for work or do a course, has various boys come in and out for sex, is rude and disrespectful to her father and expects him to dish out the cash when she says so and her father has had enough and said he wished he had listened to my advice when she was younger! Too late now but I did the right thing by my kids. They have grown into healthy well adjusted young adults with good values and morals. I feel your pain, it does your head in but it won’t change.
With all the other things not considered(he does sound like he has issues), but I don’t think your boyfriend would appreciate you telling him how to parent after only dating not even a year. I feel like you need to step back a bit. Just don’t take your son there, and avoid being there yourself when his son is there. It’s probably hard enough for him to be living with his father (and being away from his mother who has her issues) let alone you coming along, judging him and disapproving of him.
I am not saying you’re wrong. He sounds like a little arse, but he isn’t your little arse to worry about. It’s still very early days in a relationship (especially ones wth older kids) so you need to be careful not to step on toes.
For right now it's an easy issue to solve, just don't take your son over there seeing as they clash. If his son is directly rude or inappropriate towards you then you're within your rights to pull him up on it if his dad won't.
It's the long term you need to think about, like the relationship getting more serious or the possibility of marriage/moving in together - it's unlikely that your partner is going to change his parenting techniques and it's very likely the boys animosity towards each other will be exacerbated as the head into the teen years. Also, without intervention his sons behavior and attitude will hit a peak in the next few years too.
So if I were you, that's what I'd be taking into consideration. I'm not sure I'd be willingly putting myself in that scenario honestly.
Parenting is one of most fundamental values that two people coming together with kids must share. It is critical they are at least on the same page, because it doesn't just affect your relationship, it can have a detrimental psychological impact on your kids. If you are happy to live separately and not see the relationship proceed past this point, then continue to date as you are and don't involve your son, if not, I can't see any peaceful future relationship in this situation.