Every time my mother comes to my house she comments on something. Whether its my washing pile, or dishes, doesn't matter what it is, she will comment. When there is nothing to comment she still finds something. It is absolutely doing my head in. I have, on multiple occasions asked her to stop, snapped at her, yelled at her, ignored her, etc. She still does it and cracks the shits with me if I say anything. She just says, "I'm your mother, I'm allowed to". She is completely over baring. Don't get me wrong, I love her and we do have a great relationship, but I'm nearly 30 and she still tries to parent me (and my husband). Its driving me and my husband nuts. How the hell do I get her to stop? Don't tell me to cut her out of my life, this is not something I would cut her out for. I've told her that if she cant keep her mouth shut she cant come over anymore. Its lasts a visit, maybe 2. My house is not a pigsty. It is not filthy. It is lived in and I have 2 kids and pets. My house is not a show home, we make memories, we make a mess and we clean it up. Her house is the same. She tells me that she wishes we lived more like my sister (who does keep her house like a show home, but she doesn't have kids). When she comes over she will say to us "Don't you think you should clean up xyz" or "Haven't done washing for a while huh?" or "Why haven't you made your bed" or "You need to clean this"... as I said, my house is not filthy, we clean. I just refuse to spend all day cleaning trying to keep my house looking like a show room.
We are moving and she is cracking the shits over that too, but that is a whole different argument.
Over baring mother
Over baring mother
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Behaviour
6 Replies
My mum was like this when my kids were little (I had 3 under 3), she'd often just drop by unannounced and of course my house had to be a total shit fight at that time. She was always like "oh you need to vacuum, you'll get mice. Your washing stinks, you left it in the washing machine too long. Why aren't the dishes done? I used to keep a spotless house when you kids were little".
Never any offers to help out but she was always ready to criticize. It used to drive me nuts too.
I figured I had two choices - I either say something every time she makes a condescending remark, probably starting an argument.
Or, I choose to not let it bother me.
I went with a little of both approaches.
If it was a small dig I'd let it go, if she was plain rude or tried to parent my kids - I'd pull her up.
Pick your battles basically.
It's definitely not something worth cutting her out for but there does have to be some boundaries. Keep in mind too, some women have a difficult time adjusting to parenting their adult children.
Next time she criticizes, suggest she cleans it if it's bothering her so much! Maybe try a passive aggressive approach like Mum-you really need to vacuum, You- oh thanks mum, you vacuuming would be so helpful. Do that every time, I'm sure she'll learn to keep her gob shut.
Hand her a dustpan and brush and say "Here you go then!"
Tell her if she has a pronlem with the state of the house shes welcome to do the cleaning herself.
Tell her to pitch in or shut the hell up!
Would she walk into her friend's or another relative (other than her adult daughter's) and make the same comments? I don't think so!
Sounds like you have to be firm like when teaching a child new behaviours, tell her if she negatively comments, she will be asked to leave (adult version of naughty corner, not that I endorse that stuff) And you bloody well stick to whatever consequences you come up with between you and hubs (if she's doing it to him too)
I wish my mum was more involved with what I did. My mum has depression and so everything is centred around herself. She never asks me how I am, calls me, and when she’s here, she will mostly sit on her phone than engage with anyone. I try to tell her about what’s going on but it doesn’t sink in. I always make sure my house is immaculate when anyone comes over though so there’s nothing to comment on in that department! Three kids..they all help get it done. That was all about me wasn’t it? Sorry ok..get her to clean if it’s really bothering her that much. Hand her the vacuum and let her feel useful. Perhaps she is feeling unfulfilled, help her out 😉