What's wrong with my mother.?
My mother is always negative, always talks negative about everything and everyone.
I have three children,
She Never asks about them or how they are doing, never has the need to see them or speak to them.
Has never baby sat, I had a funeral to go to recently and would of been gone one hour and still not offer to look after my toddler.
My eldest was talking how she would like to go to Tafe and better herself and my mother just stood there rolling her eyes and shaking her head at my daughter, for the first time my daughter said something to her nan and yes I allowed it as this is a continuous put down about everything, she then told my daughter to go away and ignored her.
She always picks at what they do wrong or if ones crying or having a tantrum (toddler) she gets angry at them or starts with the huffing and puffing or makes you feel like a shit parent.
If one doesn't go to her a say hi first she gets all offended and tells them to get away from her,that their rude ect.
I see my mother once a fortnight and it's a quick hi to my children, I speak to her everyday and there's never a how are you doing or how are the kids.
I help my mother in every way, financially, take her to all doctors appointments ect
My kids can be in the shops or car for hours at a time and yes it can be a challenge but they are normally well behaved.
I feel so hurt by her, I have spoken up I defend my children all the time but it's now at the point where I just can't be bothered no more with her.
My phone calls have now become shorter and today I got off after 5 min as my toddler cryed and my mother was on the other end saying, oh my gosh I can't hear you- huffing and puffing....
Not asking what's wrong with her..
This my all sound silly to some and yes I am a grown woman but it does make me increadably sad to not have a mother so to speak.
I get along so well with my mother in law we talk and laugh and she loves my children so much, hugs them and always wants to see them ect and I just wish I could have the same relationship with my own mother but that's not likely to happen.
10 Replies
You need to cut contact with her for awhile. Stop talking to us daily, stop running her around and let her see how much you actually do for her. Then write her a letter!! Tell her how you feel! Tell her you understand that she's done her raising of children but if she expects your help then she needs to show an interest in your children. She needs to be nice to your children and not be so negative. I've cut so many negative people from my life simply because it rubbed off on me and in the wrong way. I was becoming an extremely negative person and that's not what I wanted to be. Your mother will either become a nicer person or she'll learn to help herself. I wouldn't put up with it from my mother no matter how old and grumpy she gets. I'd tell her to buck up or fuck off. I actually have done in the past. I respect her but I didn't respect her attitude at all.
Sounds exactly like my mother who I have now not seen in 10 years and my life has never been better. She was always negative, constantly putting me down since I was teenager, always whinged that I never come to visit (she lives in Vic and me in Qld - for a reason); she never came to visit me ever. Always had excuses even though she had no problem visiting my brother in Tassie. She would always would say “but I am your mother and you should put me first”. I believe that kids owe their parents NOTHING. We are not given a choice to whom we are born too (I wouldn’t of chosen my parents that’s for sure). Just because they raised us doesn’t mean it is our job to run after them or take care of them in their twilight years. It’s a 2 way street. If you want your kids to love and respect you then they must do the same, no matter how they have turned out. You need to cut ties with her, even if it is just for the short term.
Sounds like a very rude person, which makesme think shes very unhappy. But she can change ans you shouldtry to enforce basic manners towards your kids if youre going to put yourself out to help her.
Sadly some people aren't meant to be parents. It's just not IN some people to be nurturing and caring for others.
I'm sorry your mum is one of these people.
You cannot be in a relationship that's making you so miserable and expect the other person to change. Stop doing everything for her, stop seeing her, cut her off OR accept that this is the way she is. She won't offer to look after your kids. She won't speak to them nicely or appreciate that she gets a relationship with them. She won't change.
You have to decide if you can continue having someone treat you and your kids like this, or not. I know what I would do.
Sounds like my nan and she was cut from my life. Never missed her and she never tried to contact me
Highly recommend “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.”
It’s a book by Karyl McBride.
It has literally changed my life and the way I deal with my mother.
You’re definitely not alone, I have an extremely strained relationship with my mother.
You can tell your mother how you feel then it's up to her if she listens and changes her behaviour. You can't continue wishing for a good mother, or the type of mother you wanted, if that's never going to happen. You have to let that go at some stage, and you might need to let her go.
You have all that you need in your MIL, cherish that relationship, and reduce the amount of time around grumpy guts.
It's heartbreaking to be continuosly disappointed by a person, but at some point you have to stop and look at yourself, and realise no matter what you say or do, they are the same negative mean rude person they've always been. The decision is yours, you continue and put up with their shit, or you say no more, I will no longer put me or my kids in that predicament again.
Look up Jeff Brown (author) on FB, he writes a lot about toxic parents. Might also be worth seeing a psychologist and working on your own childhood triggers, so you can stop seeking your mother's love and approval
My Mother is the same except I certainly wouldn't say I have a relationship with her. I see her once a week if that & only with others present otherwise I'll respond to her negativity & we'll end up in a fight. I'm surprised you do so much for your Mother given the way she treats you! It's unacceptable for her to treat your children in that manner & when she does I would just leave!
NPD. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Google it. Then keep your kids the hell away from her if she ticks the boxs. They are toxic and damaging.