Very long winded sorry!!!
Iam desperately seeking advice on a very touchy subject. I have two children a boy 7 and a girl 5. I have been divorced from their father for a number of years now.
In the last 8 months he has found a new girlfriend and she has moved in with him. We share our kids week on week off and have an amicable relationship.
Recently his girlfriend has become increasingly aggresive towrads me and feels she has rights to my children like they are her own. Last week we had my daughters school interview that she intended on attending in place of my ex. When I raised my concerns with him and asked first why he wasn't attending this to start with and second that I found it uncomfortable that I attend this with his girlfriend (we don't really get along but are pleasant for the kids) I was met with a passive agressive msg from her stating that SHE is their stepmother and SHE wishes to attend. After calling my ex and speaking with him about this I was informed he has no idea she had sent me the msg ans it was settled that he would now attend. Thought that was the end of it! But no she then proceeded to call me after I assume my ex confronted her about the text! I didn't answer the call and she got the hint and stopped! At the end of this week I called to speak with the children to see how their week went, she answered the phone and after asking twice if I could please speak with them quickly as they were busy and going out I was told they would call me tomorrow and that was that! I finally got ahold of them 2 days later! !
Now my daughters birthday party is coming up, and my ex and I have organized what each of us will do inregards to the party, decorations, cake ect. It was settled that they would do the invites and cake and I would do decorations and party bags ect.. I have just collected my kids for my week and my son has informed my that she has bought all the party decorations, party bags, ballons you name it he rattled them off!! I am seriously at my wits end with this girl and have visions of choking her daily!! Its taking its toll on me and my partner to the point I have have anxiety constantly and cry at the drop of a hat. I know these things seem small and silly but these are my children and and I feel as though I am being brushed aside as their mother!! We have tried mediation NOTHING changed!! There are many other things I could list but I won't bore you all to much.
I guess my question is WHAT the hell do I do!! Please someone help me I am falling apart and my ex is doing nothing!! I fully understand and expect him to side with her, but I feel she has over stepped the boundaries and gone way to far!! Would love to hear from even a stepmum as it may give me an idea as to where she is coming from and how to handle this.. Thank you xx
10 Replies
First she sounds loopy. Way too much too soon. I would write it out and let your ex know this isnt going well and that its a shame your good coparenting relationship is going to shit because of her but youll need to draw new lines as she doesnt seem to be on the same page at all. Especially if shes going to hang up phone and not allow contact youll have to write up a contract and stick to it, which would be a shame as youve shown you can coparent well together before her.
8 months, far out, she sounds like a psycho, has she got kids of her own? Can you call the exs phone when you want to talk to kids? I would just try to avoid her and as you are, take up any issues with your ex. Good luck.
Tell her to get stuffed.. they are your babies and she needs to know when and where to step back what a joke .... Tell your ex to man up and talk some sense into that loon and if so remove your kids until she get a her head straight .. seems she has the green eyed monster lurking .. shocking that is I would personally be stepping in and saying get lost .. what a joke
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say that it just seems like she cares deeply about your kids, however misguided (which, believe me is much better than the alternative), she just doesn't seem to understand that she's crossing a line.
It does sound to me like she's new to this whole parenting thing and your ex has never really discussed boundaries with her.
If i we're you, I'd pick my battles. For example you should be able to contact your kids all times, not being able to contact them for days is unacceptable and I think you should talk to you ex about that, same goes for the parents teachers meetings. It's not appropriate or necessary for anyone other than you and/or your ex to attend these, any information that needs to be mentioned to other family members should be done so by the parents. But, if it's not particularly important I'd just let it go.
So I would talk to your ex about these issues but I'd also talk to her. I'd just say something along the lines of:
"I really appreciate what you do for my kids. I understand being a step parent is hard work but I feel a bit like you're stepping on my toes, I'm sure it's not intentional but I'd really like it if you could take a step back".
She may not be aware that she's doing it and she'll never know if you don't tell her it upsets you.
Firstly, you are their birth mother and nothing can change that. Saying that, she is tasked with the responsibility of raising the children every second week with their father and has taken on that role. As a step mother myself who has had the child for all but a week a year for the past 8 years, take a step back and ask yourself some questions. Are you kids happy? Are they being looked after? Are they loved? If the answer is yes, be happy that someone else is prepared to take on your children and love them like a parent should.
I understand your frustration in her apparent taking over with the party and your son telling you what she has purchased. What did your daughter say? Perhaps she asked for her to buy them while they were out. Perhaps she was trying to save you some work. You will never know if you don't talk about it. Also, children can be manipulative little beings and your daughter could be trying to make the most of being fussed over. Not all step mothers are evil and have bad intentions. Never undersestimate the role your children step mother is taking on. You expect her to raise and care for your children but don't want to allow her any of the joy that goes with it.
So i am a step mother. I met my husband near 5 years ago and he has two girls who were 5 and 3 when i met them. Me and my husband were serious from get go. We were pregnant by 6 months with twins and engaged by 8 lol
This is tricky. Cause i see where u are coming from cause i had a daughter previously and then i see where ur exs mrs is coming from. Personally she is a little over the top. Especially for 8 months in.
I was there for my step kids but in my eyes they had a mum and i eas just a friend. Id buy them clothes, id take interest in school and make sure they were ok. Id never force the idea to be at everything that affected then. Especially cause my husband and his ex arent on good terms at all. So it was more non stop bickering then parenting. (She hated me from get go aswell cause i stole her man and she was jealous).
But see. Its hard to have to look after another womans kids and have no say and involvment. I have put up with alot of shit in 5 years coming from an angry ex, a craxy bunch of in laws and my husband who just shrugs his shoulders. I deserve to have involvment in kids lives who come into my home who are around ne and my kids. I dont expect every detail or every event to go to. But cause i help raise them, spend money on them and put up with this crap, its nice to be told stuff.
Mind you i have pretty much no involvment in my step kids lives now. It got so bad and i got so shut down that i changed things. No one included me. My kids get left out of everything cause my step kids are all that matters. My mothet in law does nothing but give me shit. So my husband sees the girls when its his weekends (we live 1.5 hours away) and i just let them have their life and their time with him.
I think you need to meet this woman and have a coffee and a chat. Tell her if your ex and her are seroous then you want to lay some rules and boundaries. Make sure u and her can communicate cause its needed wiyh thr kids. You inform each other of things and both be included in what u need to be. Been with my husband 5 years and ive met the ex once. Spoken twice over text and i am not even allowed to have her number. And it sucks!
Why are you caring for them? That's your husbands job!
Why are you caring for them? That's your husbands job!
You need to speak to their dad. Clearly you two can not get along because she doesnt understand boundaries. I would be explaining to their father that you do not wish to communicate with her as communication gets lost and it makes the situation awkward. Regarding the party bags etc you have 2 options.. still do them and really shes the only one that will look silly bringing them.. or mention it to dad. :)
Ok so this sounds so much like me when I first got together with my partner ie just after first 12mths. However all I wanted to do was help I didn't realise at the time that I was being overbearing and stepping over the line mostly because I didn't know where the line was. She also stepped over the line and was telling my partner what he could and couldn't do in regards to me with his children in his time. Ie me not spending one on one time with them and trying to bond etc. I hope for the children's sake that you sort out your differences my step kids ended up in the middle of it because they could just pick up on the tension. Please sit down and put some boundaries in place. If it's to much then don't do joint parties birthdays etc each separate family can do there own thing. However the whole not letting them talk to u that to me is a red not good enough you are there mother and come before she does. Before I had my little one I was constantly told I couldn't possibly know how it feels to love my step kids like a mum does but you know what there wrong because I don't love them any different to my own I have a different bond with my child to them but that's it. Chances are her anxiety is just as high as yours. Please talk it out see a councillor and don't let it affect your kids good luck it's a hard situation xoxo