We are having trouble with our almost 4 year old daughter being violent towards her dad and I. She punches and kicks us multiple times a day. She can be the sweetest, loving girl, has absolutely no issues at day care or when out in public. But when it's just us at home things can quickly go from laughing and playing to being aggressive very quickly. Sometimes the trigger is obvious I.e. jealousy over baby sister or not getting her way, but other times it just comes out of nowhere. She is given time out every time this occurs. We take her to her room where she'll continue to hit and kick us or the door. We wait til she calms down, which can take honestly up to an hour or even more, then make her apologise, give us a cuddle, and explain what she did that was wrong. We have also tried taking valuable things away from her. There is no violence in her life, we don't smack her, her dad and I never fight, and we only ever yell at her when we've been driven to the extreme... but the same thing happens over and over, every single day. My husband and I are so stressed and don't know where to turn for help. I've tried talking about it with her when she's being sweet, and ask why she does it, but she says she doesn't know. Anyone else that knows her wouldn't believe us if we told them what she's like at home. Last night I broke down in huge sobs and she couldn't care less, all she did was try to blame me, call me horrible, says we're mean to her for always putting her in her room, and we should say sorry! Please, can someone point me in the right direction?! We can't go on like this! It's tearing my heart and soul apart. I love my little girl but don't know how to help her.
4 Replies
So youre talking about length of fuse -its very short so you dont have much time to catch it and diffuse before it blows up. And level of reaction - seems pretty extreme right now. Youre right you wont achieve anything during the storm, the work has to be done in the calm in between. Google strategies to help with those two things - building a longer fuse and working to stay calm and handle our emotions in other ways. Labeling emotions and talking about how they feel is a good start for a four year old.
Its ok to he angry - its not ok to hurt people. Give her alternatives. What can she hit? Or break? The aim is tobe calm and handle the issue but we justcant once its got to that stage so she needs help withwhat to dothenas well.
Teach her what to do instead. Eg model and act out what she could do to get your attention that's constructive. Reinforce and engage every time she gains your attention in a positive way. So if she sees you playing or fussing with the baby, and she is getting jealous, teach her to get what she wants.
Children don't have the insight that adults and are extremely ego-centric so dont take her reaction to heart. She can't see this from an adult view point yet. I can guarantee you have done the same thing to your parents at least once in your childhood.
Please don't take advice about this from people on line. I know you're having a hard time and you want to help her, please believe me that I know this better than anyone. People here have the best intentions but can give some horribly wrong advice.
Time outs don't work, please don't leave her alone in her room. Book into a child psychiatrist and work closely with a professional. There could be an underlying issue she needs help with.
I just want to validate what you are feeling, at 4 the tantrums should be very rare and definitely not extreme or violent. Please please make an appointment today and in the meantime just look to minimise the chance of a meltdown happening until you can get some personal and professional advice.
My eldest was like this at 4 I put him into counciling they put him in angery mangament program. Id lock him in his room and let him destroy that instead of the rest of the house all I had to say was no to set him off. I put a recorder out side and taped everything he yelled while he raged. I cried a lot things did get better slowly with outside help please go get some