Hello everyone,
I'm not a mom but I am looking for some good advice and this seems like a good place to start! I'll try to keep this short as it has the potential to be very lengthy. I am 20, my boyfriend is 26, we have been seeing each other for between 4/5 months now, so not long. He is in the military but not deployed, only signed up just under 2 years ago so he is still in training. He is a great guy, really nice, but he is also a very very quiet guy so I have difficulty knowing what he is feeling sometimes. I try to ask him questions about himself but I find it hard to keep up a conversation with him as he keeps his answers short and very rarely asks me any questions at all about myself... In the time that we have been seeing each other, he has never called me his girlfriend or even told me he cares about me... he did buy me a small birthday present, but other than that he hasn't shown much indication that he cares for me at all... He has only called me beautiful once in a joking way, and I think pretty once, he has complimented my outfit once. That's over the course of 4-5 months! It just seams odd to me. He never initiates any intimacy at all although he is into it once I get things started and its very good... I guess my real question is what to do? I try to be so affectionate with him but he just doesn't seem like that type of person... for example he went on tasking out of town today and he'll be gone for a month... he was over yesterday and had to go play hockey at 9:30 he could have stayed at my place until 8:30, gone and played then come back and spent the night before leaving in the morning but instead, he left at 6 for hockey and did not come back to spend the night. All he did was give me a kiss and say bye. No "I'll miss you" no "this sucks I wish you could be there with me" nothing just "bye"....I just don't know what to do... I know talking to him about how I feel would probably be best, but he is just so awkward and he never shows how he feels in anyway so it just seems like it would be an awkward unsuccessful half finished conversation... the fact that he is gone for a month doesn't help either considering I wont even be able to talk to him for a month and if i spring this conversation on him right when he gets back he'll probably say something like "I've been gone for a month how could I have been affectionate".... also if this conversation is the route you guys suggest, how would you suggest going about it? How do I bring something up like this to him without it being awkward?
**EDIT**
Last weekend he was asked by my sisters/my friend if he was the guy dating me and he did say yes...
Also he does spend quite a few nights a week at my house even though he has to get up at like 6 am to leave for work and the people around us say he seems to care about me... its just so hard to tell when he is so quiet!
12 Replies
Firstly big hugs to you, I'm pretty sure I've dated someone exactly like this. I felt like I was the only person in the relationship! It didn't work out for me no matter how I tried to develop a bit more intimacy from him it was not forthcoming. I realised it was time to move on. I had a conversation with him a few years later and basically he told me that he just wasn't that interested in me! So as long as I was prepared to do all the work he would have gone along for the ride but not given anything. OUCH lol I really hope your situation is different and you can get what your looking for.
I do think he's interested in me, and everyone i know says they think he really really likes me, and one thing i forgot to mention in the post was last weekend a friend of my sisters asked him if he was my boyfriend and he did say yes... he is just so quiet its always so hard to tell how he's feeling
I thought at the time my guy was interested in me too. My friends also thought so. I kept justifying his behaviour as shy, or scared etc. At the end of the day it was very lonely, having one sided conversations was exhausting.
this early on you should be in honeymoon phase, if not, theres a reason and its much better not to waste your time, you cant force something thats just not quite right. it sounds like hes not really interested and you arejust available & yes there are people who will play that, saying just barely enough to keep you right there, without shame.
id advise you to move on, find happiness, and if this guy is interested let him do the work & prove it.
Firstly, it's hard to say without knowing either of you whether this is just his personality or if he's just not as interested in you as you are him. The saying "treat me mean, keep em keen" sprang to mind when I read this and I feel that's what he is doing to you in a way. I'm so sorry that you're going through this but I think the relationship is very much one sided. No girl should have to wait and wonder, or feel like the way you do, in a relationship. My advice is to let him go and let the man of your dreams come to you. You deserve the best honey, and nothing less than that. I have been in relationships like this and in the end I was so paranoid and pushy with talking about feelings that it drove the boyfriend away. So hold your head high and know that you're worth way more than he could ever give you. Good luck, I hope you get the answers you're searching for xx
I do honestly believe he does care for me, i think it is majorly his personality, its just so hard to tell with him because he doesn't really express himself which in turn just makes it harder to talk to him about it!
Well the ladies above have given their advice but you do seem pretty set to hang onto this even after all they have said abouit it being obviously one sided. I also agree, if hes not willing to make any effort, dont waste your time, you will find someone who actually cares for you and is willing to be there for you, dont settle for second best just because you are afraid he wont come along
Or think of it this way, if you think its his personality, will you be happy in a relationship where you feel like you never really know, where he doesnt tell you, doesnt communcate, you cant talk to him, he doesnt make you feel special or make a big deal where you would expect it. Can you see yourself being happy with a man like that?
If it is in fact his personality then you need to ask yourself whether this is what you want for the rest of your life. My husband grew up with a cold cold mother who rarely told the kids or her husband that she loved them. He thought it was very strange that my mum and dad said they loved me, and each other, every day!!! But he likes it now and makes sure to tell our kids and me all the time how much he loves and cares for us.
You are way to young to settle for someone who has no interest in being emotionally there for you. I personally would say I need you to be emotionally in this relationship or it wont work. Ask him directly then make it known to him you need him to show it. Actions speak louder than words.
Even if he is genuinely interested and carers, if he's not showing it now, chances are that asking/telling him to wont change anything. If that's the kind of person he is, you can't change him. And asking him to will probably turn him away.
Life is too short! Dont spend anymore time wondering. As someone said, you should still be in the honeymoon phase. If I were you, I would be moving on. There are plenty more fish in the sea. Fish that will compliment you and tell you you're beautiful and pretty all of the time! I personally think you deserve more than what he is giving, it seems very one sided and you will soon become tired of it. Good luck! x