This morning I suggested to my husband that we go and see a relationship counselor as I had been reading about relationships between a narcissist and a sacrificial self/co-dependent. Reading it and doing the 100 point check list I felt like it was describing my life and exactly how I felt. We have been together going on five years and due to his excessive lying and deceitfulness about both big and small things it was a very rocky start. After allot of hard work we got through all of the mistrust and recently got married. (we also have one child together) anyway my husband (from what he has told me and what I have witnessed since I have known him) grew up with an abusive father, physical but mostly emotionally (again only going off what he has told me from his childhood) because of this I have always been understanding of his sometimes cruel treatment of me. Every now and then (usually after I have expressed some emotion or need for support in something) he has a meltdown, threatens to leave me, tells me that he doesn't love me, that I make him miserable etc etc. Its happened so many times now that I cant even count.Anyway last night I was feeling down after a particularly hard week and as usual I was getting the cold shoulder from him so I got upset and cried myself to sleep on the couch. (I do this as he will usually get angry if he hears me lying in the bed "sooking") I did some googling, found the site with the info on "are you in a narcissistic relationship and felt immediately sick it sounded so familiar. I am starting to feel very confused when we have these fights. Am I wrong to think I shouldn't be treated this way? I wrote a little list after he told me today that our marriage was over and he wanted to get a divorce just in case he changed his mind as he always does, I didn't want to forget this time. Just a few things that he said to me...He told me that I am not the person he wants to be with and that he would rather start again and find someone who likes to do the same things he does, someone who will sit on the couch with him and watch tv and not lie in bed to relax. He said he always thinks about not being with me and that he made a mistake marrying me and that he should have listened to his parents and not married me (they never liked me due to cultural differences), he said that he has no respect for me and this is why he never really listens to anything that I say and often doesn't bother responding to me when I speak, He said that he doesn't care about any of my hopes for the future/business ventures as he has no respect for me, he says he doesn't want the same future as me and doesn't want to waste money buying a house with me for me to just hang out in my room or trash the house (I far from trash the house, I do most of the cleaning etc but we have a toddler so there are days when I don't stay on top of it) He says that he hasn't loved me for a long time and is only with me because of our child, he tells me that everything bad in his life is because of me and I am poison....I know I am not perfect, I get tired and cranky sometimes like everyone else, I can identify with several traits of a co-dependent person but I am also a caring person, I am empathetic, I do anything I can think of to make him happy. I'm ashamed to admit that I always try and do much more to try and smooth things over after one of his outbursts which is probably insane as they usually start because I try to calmly tell him something that has been bothering me. anyway this is going on and on and frankly I could go on and on for hours :) what I basically want to know does anyone have an experience with a person like this? does it sound like a narcissistic personality disorder? Does it sound like maybe I'm the one who is delusional about how a marriage should be? Most of the time he is a loving, wonderful partner, we have allot of fun together, we laugh, we have allot in common and I am happy but then there are the times like this when I just look at him and think who the hell are you???
also after ignoring my existence all afternoon while i lay on the couch watching a movie in between my crying (thankfully this all happened during toddler naptime) he came up to me to inform me that his friend was on the way over to watch the footy. I was shocked, asked him if he was serious and told him that after being told that my marriage was over I didn't really want to have guests over. He thought I was being completely unreasonable...
13 Replies
I don't know if he is a narcissist, psychological labels get thrown around these days without understanding the true meaning but he certainly sounds emotionally abusive. Get yourself some counselling, even if he won't go so you can make a decision about your future. I was with a guy like this for 12 months, luckily I got out after I saw what a mess he made (and was still making) of his ex's life. It took me years to recover and be back to myself. Don't make excuses for him, lots of people have come from abusive backgrounds and don't go on to be abusive themselves. Nothing you do could make him happy. You need to make yourself happy.
Not sure about narcissistic but that is emotional abuse. Seems to be a couple of red flags I read here. Personally having been in an emotionally abusive relationship before I would leave and not give him the choice of where your marriage heads from here! Make the decision yourself on what you want in a husband and how you deserve to be treated. Sadly my ex husband did not stick with counselling or do anything to improve our marriage and being the person I am I fought 100% solo and exhausted every avenue of making my marriage work. Doesn't sound like he is willing to make any changes at all and it's his problem to fix - not yours. Believe me when I say emotional abuse can leave the strongest person broken. Look after yourself mumma!
Some ppl have to put others down to feel good about themselves. This sounds like a behaviour he has learnt from his father. I would sit down and think long and hard about if you want to let history to continue to repeat itself with your child aswell. Personally I would start to prepare to leave. As a parent you have the responsibility to have a safe environment for your child from your post it doesn't sound like you or your child are in a safe environment, what's to say his next outburst won't be directed at your child ?? My MIL was in a similar situation when hubby was a child and she packed up and left all hubby memories of his bio dad as a child is of him verbally or physically abusive toward anyone or anything. He is so thankful she left as hard as it was for them as a single family they are a lot better ppl for it.
From the sounds of things, you are holding onto the tiny parts of good in your relationship. Things like being able to laugh together(while important) is no where near enough to what you need in a healthy relationship. A partner is able to talk through any issues or problems maturely. All couple's have arguments but never should those things be said. That is a disgusting way to talk to a woman. If he does have an issue he needs to address with you, there is an adult way to go about it. They should NEVER put you down the way your husband has. Your partner should be the one person you can go to with your feelings or thoughts and know that they will be understood and accepted.
He is emotionally abusing you, which is just as bad as any kind of abuse. You sound like a very smart, caring woman and he will eventually break you down til there is nothing left.
Try couples counselling, it worked well for my husband and I.
Expect the worst but hope for the best.
Great advice given, also dont like labels or google diagnosis but my husband also ticks plenty of those boxes and acted quite similar to yours. its quite good to recognise because this means you can look at it from your perspective and see what this relationship will do to you. Love what was said above that an abusive relationship will destroy the strongest of people. Its a complete mindf'&k, and it will tear you apart. Its extremely hard to cope when someone is playing word games, twisting things, practically screwing with your reality...you start to doubt everything, especially how bad it is, youre even asking here if its you! It not you!
we, as humans, definitely cherrypick the good parts and look on the bright side. Keeping a diary is a great idea. It will help you realise just what is happening and how often.
Ps my husband recently admtted to cheating on me (lots) only then did it all really become clear to me.
All i know is that you cant save omeone, and youll get destroyed trying. I came out of this an emotional wreck, i feel like ive come out of a traumatic event, i was crushed and exhausted, im still working with a psycholoist to get my old self back. Absolutely take care of yourself. Id also advise you take. Break, even a little weekender, and go back with a resolve that his unacceptable behaviour will no longer be tolerated. Thats any name calling, disrespect, blaming, negativity at you, aggression. Anything. And stick to it. We all deserve love, respect and happiness in our own homes.
It's all because of his childhood. All of it. I don't think he has a personality disorder My husband and I went through similar things. And like you, because of his childhood (alcoholic parents. Broken home. Abusive step father, etc etc) I was always very understanding of his nature. And like you, I often played into them and rather than treating hi m how he treated me, I would try to smooth things over to 'keep the peace' because I guess, deep down, I pitied him. My husband never went as far as saying he didn't love me or wished he didn't marry me, but if we ever got into a fight over anything he did wrong, he would always start listing off all my faults. EVERYTHING was my fault. And he would go straight for the jugular. Whatever was going to hurt me most, he would say. My weight (not fat at all, but I've always had body image issues), the fact I don't really have many friends - you name it. The most hurtful stuff. Then a couple of hours later... or days later... whatever.. He would apologise and tell me he loved me. I eventually figured out that I was allowing this behaviour from him. He's not a child, of course. But I was saying it was OK to treat me like this. He was a little 'broken' from how he was brought up. He didn't grow up surrounded by love and he didn't have learn HOW to love, so I did understand him, still. But by going to him to 'clear things up' before he came to me, I was effectively saying "What you said was OK. What you did was OK". It wasn't. And the funny thing was, I had to change my behaviour before he changed his. I stopped 'fixing' things. I told him if it's going to end, then pack your bags now. Get out. I got tough. It wasn't a tactic. I'd genuinely had enough. I spoke to him at length about how much his words hurt me, but that I wasn't going to spend my life like this. That he was an example for his kids etc etc. He HATED it. Always got me. But it DID get through. We've been together 10 years now and he is a changed man. He is. People say that men don't change. But I believe they can. He's far from perfect. But he does love me. Your husband also probably loves you deeply, too. He just doesn't know 'how' to love. You can only change you. You can't change him. Only he can do that. But if you don't 'take' his nonsense, he will have no other choice. Don't fight back. Walk away. Give him nothing when he treats you badly. Tell him clearly that if your relationship ends it will be HIS fault. People are products of their upbringing. I firmly believe that. Counselling is probably a good idea if you can't figure this out. And at the end of the day, if he DOESN'T change, then you do have to think of your own well being and mental state. You have to look after yourself and your kids first.
youve describedexactly how it was in my relationship, its uncanny. and yes, he also had a terrible upbringing & trauma.
loves you but just doesnt know HOW to love thats exactly it. interesting that yours could change.
He really has. He's not perfect, like I said. But he stops himself now. And I see it. He's grown an amazing compassion for people that he credits to my understanding of him and his upbringing. He's intelligent. Which I think has helped his cause. He was able to step outside himself and reflect on who he was. He tells the world that he's the man he is now because of me. We have a genuine deep love for each other and I am very proud of who he is now. But yes, if you enable someone who believes this is how you treat people, they will continue to treat you that way. Not everyone would react the same way my husband did. And trust me, we've had many, many fights about it. But noone is perfect. And I believe my empathy for him, brought out the best in him.
If he's really got NPD he won't be a nice man to be with until he seeks professional help. My ex and biological father of my daughter has it and will never do anything about it. He's just done exactly the same abuse to his now ex partner. She became friend with me after so much domestic violence and she now understand all the horrible stuff I've been through.
A NPD person is manipulative and lies that will make you question your own sanity. Knowing what i know now i tell you, if he doesn't want to have counselling ... run away lady because your life will not get better with him.
I believe my ex is a narc, there's alot of information. My ex did the same types of things you describe then would deny saying things whole conversations. I voice record those types of conversations & he then gets abusive. If you are considering leaving a narc just prepare, read up on things as it can be harder after you leave. It was like living with a Jekyll & Hyde, when it's good it was wonderful but when it's bad it's hell & of course all your fault as far as they are concerned.
Hunny. Whether his behaviour has a label or not doesn't change it.
I feel your pain. I was there. He left. I repeat he left. I think he is still holding it against me I didn't chase. We've 2 small children ( I was preg at the time). We are goin through court custody, Oh, he doesn't want them, he just doesn't want me to have them.
My god, his affidavit contain lie after lie after lie. It's amazing how he priced everything together. Thankfully it's all how it's affected him and not about the children.
Yes, get out . Get out while your child won't remember - cause believe me it will get a hell of a lot worse after you split, I'm still waiting for it to get better.
So glad I came across this, my husband does similar ... Not as emotionally abusive but still spits acid & ends our marriage Everytime I say something he doesn't like. He has issues from a past reslationship, which I understand & will stand by him if he gets the help he needs to recover from it, but I don't know how long I can hold on to being told I'll do what she did, or I'm to blame for everything that's wrong etc etc. just glad to know there are others out there & hopefully some ways to either change the behavior (mine of always trying to fix it instead of hold him accountable) or get the strength to just walk away.
To be blunt - get out now. I ended a relationship to a narc 2 years ago after going through almost exactly what you have described in your post. I have spent a year educating myself on Narcissistic Personality Disorder after stumbling across an article about it and thinking literally being able to cross off almost every box on the checklist. It's true that having a label doesn't change anything BUT it does allow you to see that it is not you - all the times you feel like you have done something wrong, that you are going crazy when he tells you he never did this, or said that. NPDs can't be treated and they never get better. In an ideal world (and if you did not have children together) you would go no contact after separation, however, that is just not possible when children our involved.
Educate yourself as much as you can about NPD and how to communicate with them, including setting boundaries, avoiding conflict etc. Also, have a look at One Moms Battle Facebook. An American lady started the page (and she has a blog) after divorcing and going through an horrendous custody battle with her Narc Ex.
Sorry if my reply is blunt - I have literally just finished a custody battle with my NPD ex and I am completely exhausted and trying to rebuild my life with my daughter.
All the best and stay strong.