I'm absolutely terrified right now. My partner and I separated after 7 and a half years and 1 beautiful child together. Our relationship was toxic and sometimes involved domestic violence. Surprisingly, he has been as ok about it all as he can be and offerd as much support as he can. I was offered a new place to live today. It's lovely and small and cosy, perfect for my son and I but I am so scared. I'm scared of doing it on my own, I'm scared of not being with him, I'm afraid of being lonely and I'm afraid of letting go. I've never in my life been on my own. I'm frightened by the thought of night time, will I be enough to protect my son and I if anything were to happen? How am I going to get everything we need? There is so much that is unknown and I know this is ridiculously muddled so I apologise and thank you for reading this far but single mummas, how do you do it?
2 Replies
Scared is normal but don't let fear hold you in a bad place, let it be the catalyst to a new life.
There are men and women all over the world doing it on their own.
You're scared of not being with him? Use this time to get to know yourself, I won't lie loneliness is real but you find something to take your mind off it ( depending on your budget join an online forum for something you're interested in, join a class for art/photography/crafts/health, join a bookclub or take up a sport etc).
Have security screens and remember religiously to lock up. Be a part of your neighbourhood so others are watching out for you. Honestly if something so terrible was going to happen that you'd need to be the protector - it wouldn't matter if you were 6 foot and built like a brick shit-house, for peace of mind take up a martial art and as I said, make sure you have security as a deterrent.
How will you get everything you need? The same way as everyone else, define needs vs wants and make sure the true needs are covered, anything else is a want and if you can't afford it you don't have it. Pay bills when you get paid instead of in a lump sum, if your power is $300 per quarter pay $25 per week etc. Have a small account for school stuff that pops up like excursions, camps, fees and drop $10-20 a week into it too.
It's normal to be scared and nervous at the start. Especially when you've been psychologically knocked around in a DV situation.
Some things to be aware of, it's important to understand the cycle of DV and toxic relationships. You might actually find yourself craving or trying to get yourself into toxic situations because toxic becomes your normal so you start to seek it. So don't be afraid to get some counselling to really help you break those cycles.
The chances of something bad happening in your home are extremely low. In 24 years of living alone, NOTHING has happened, ever. In fact I think you were in much bigger danger living with your ex. The evidence is clear, people are harmed by people they know, in the vast majority of cases.
You will be fine financially. You don't have to have all the household goods at once. You get bits and pieces as you can afford them. You upgrade and get more as you can. Buy second hand where reasonable. People don't need as much as we think you do so there will probably be compromises at the start. You could also talk to a DV organisation as they have links to be able to help you get back on your feet.