I have felt like ive been letting my partner down in bed latley. We use to have sex at least 3 to 4 times a week. But latley with having sick kids and other things going on in life i just dont feel like having sex. I get up at 5.30 and dont get into bed to 11.30 that night. Last night my partner really wanted sex but i feel asleep before he got out of the shower. He was really rude when he got into bed. Waking me up by nudging me with his leg saying ha well good night then, then sort of had a little go at me for falling asleep. Well last night i was sleeping on my side with my knees bent like i always do, it would of been very early morning when i woke i jumped to the other side of the bed i was terrified. He had my pants pulled down just enough and his penis in between my butt cheaks. He was mastibating i guess using my bum. When i pulled away he rolled onto his stomach so quick and pretended to be asleep. I lied there to the kids woke so confused with what had happened. What did happen. I feel confused right now. Did my own partner assult me? Or was he just really horny. Ive been trying to get my head around it all day. I havnt spoken to him about it. He got up this morning and didnt even say good morning just got dressed and put his cheak out for me to kiss and walked out the door. What do i say to him. I feel like im not coping to well right now. I feel odd weird. Like ive just been degraded. Please tell me it's nothing..
Felling degraded by partner
Felling degraded by partner
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Self Care, Health & Wellbeing, Behaviour
16 Replies
I think it comes down to your personal morals and agreement with him. My partner and I have discussed that happening and I've told him it's okay to do similar without my consent but if it makes you uncomfortable by all means it isn't okay!
I think he was just super horny... its a bit weird...
I would consider this sexual assault without a doubt. If he was horny he could have masturbated without pulling your pants down or putting his penis in your body. Absolutely not on at all!!!!
If he is using your body he is not masturbating
I guess if your not cool with it, you're not cool with it.
I personally love being woken up by my partner touching me and being all eager to shag me and I have 3 kids and am pregnant with my 4th. In fact I was falling asleep last Friday after a round and he was still keen and I was woken by a hand between my legs and almost at orgasm peak. I don't care how tired I am I'll have sex. But that's me. He and I have an agreement that we both trust each other enough to let the other have sex whilst either of us are asleep. We've discussed it, it doesn't make me feel used or abused and vice versa his ultimate fantasy is to wake up with me riding him or having ridden him.
Each to their own.,have a discussion you need to have good communication for a relationship to work.
I guess it depends on what your boundaries are. My partner has a super low sex drive so I would be in heaven being woken up like that. But if it bothers you, let him know and set some boundaries. He may not realised it would have upset you.
I had similar with an ex boyfriend. I woke up to him having a tug with his hand down my shirt. It was odd and weird and I very much didn't like it.
But then I've also had my partner make a move on me (he was on top of me and pulling my pants down) while we were both sleeping and when I said "hey what are you doing?", he woke up and freaked the fuck out too.
I would talk to your partner about it in case he doesn't remember it haha
I think he knew he was doing something you wouldn't like, why else would he pretend he was asleep?
Yes he took advantage of your body while you were unconscious and at a time he knew you were unwilling if you were awake , for his own sexual wants.
How you handle it is up to you. Anything from a serious talk telling him very clearly that what hw did is abuse ans you feel violated and you wont have it happen again.
On a separate note, this will not be the end of his horniness though... hes desperate so hes just going to go do something else devious. You need a much bigger talk about whata going on there. And yes i get it, youre not feeling like giving anything right now. But right now getting back there only needs to be the goal, tell him if thats what you want and what he has to do.
I don't mind being woken for sex with it already half started and what you described is part of our foreplay, just penis in between butt cheeks gently moving in and out (with lube to make it all a bit smoother), it feels good to me and I know it feels good for him especially when I wiggle my ass at him. Just so you know, the act of what he was doing isn't unusual, or kinky, or wrong.
You can't help how you feel so if you don't like it, you don't like it. You need to communicate with him. If while you're asleep is out of bounds then say so and make it a relationship rule. I think you'll find that his behaviour afterwards could be explained by a mixture of embarrassment and a little anger. Embarrassment that maybe he thought he could get you in the mood and it backfired, anger that he tried to get you in the mood and you rejected him again. If the two of you have trouble communicating honestly with each other I'd recommend you seek some relationship counselling together.
Being woken by your partner is one thing. Your partner using your body while you sleep is very different.
If he'd planned on you waking he'd have been using cues the two of you normally use to initiate sex. Not just pleasing himself. There was no consideration for you in what he was doing. Then freaking out when you did wake? I'm pretty sure even he knew he was in the wrong by his reaction.
Also, waking you to let you know he was pissed he couldn't have sex? Wtf? You're exhausted. He's not blind! Where is the respect for you & what you need right now?
I lived with someone who did these things regularly. I would then clearly let him know I wasn't happy, but he never gave a shit. I have been single nearly 6 years because I fear my reaction if someone touched me in my sleep even now. I still have nightmares about it. The feeling of my pants being taken down in my sleep makes me want to vomit.
Please ignore the rape culture happening on the Facebook page 😢 You deserve the respect of being allowed to sleep when you're tired.
It's fucking appalling isn't it!?!! I had to stop reading, and there's one who keeps on trying to push her patriarchal 1950s views onto every one who suggests anything different to her "he's just horny, don't be a prude" type attitude. It makes me sick
I'm so disgusted that so many women are all for laying back & shutting your mouth to please him & stop him straying 😞
I was told this was the reason my husband cheated - only when he did I was pregnant & hormones had me wanting more than ever.
He cheated because he's a narcissistic pig, not because I wouldn't put out!
My partner use to try wake me up like this for sex, maybe he was doing the same? Personally I use to love be waken up during the night for sex, I would say he is just really horney as you said it's gone from several times a week to nothing. Like I mentioned I would say he was more then likely just trying to wake you in the mood, not so much masturbating with your butt...i wouldn't look to much into it if I was in your shoes, just talk to him and explain how you feel.
There is a big difference between being woken up for sex and someone using your body for assault.
The difference being
1. Waking someone up you use less invasive physical actions to wake the person and wait for the physical green light to continue before continuing.
2. Assault you don't care/wait for the physical or verbal cues that it's ok to proceed and just go for it.
In this case he didn't wait for any clues, he just went for it. There was no consent given in this.
Just because a man or woman feels horny and is married doesn't entitle them to use your body at will. This has nothing to do with feminism but basic decency.
If as a couple you've negotiated that it's ok to penetrate each other while the other is asleep and not showing any interest (asleep) then that's your relationship. That's clearly not what has been negotiated/discussed in this relationship.
Omg so many ignorant comments are making my blood boil 😡😤😒
Patriarchal is alive and well on this page of women FFS!
Dear OP
Your feelings are valid. You know what happened, what his intentions were and that is why you feel degraded.
All these commenters telling you to talk to him, how about he talk to you!?! He needs to ask what's going on for you, and what can he do to help, you know, figuring out why you're so tired and lost interest in sex, PRIOR to helping himself!!!!
Waking each other up for sex is one thing, and even in a sleepy state we either respond enthusiastically (ie consent) or we don't. Waking up to the other person participating in a sex act, utilising your body without your knowledge or consent is assault in my eyes.
I don't see anything wrong with speaking to a counselor before you speak to him. I often speak to a counselor or trusted friend to get my head around something, to bounce ideas off them, before approaching the person, so I can be clear and concise in communicating my thoughts and feelings. I always apply my "24 hour rule" so I have time to calm down and process the situation before responding. "Respond don't react" is what one of my therapists taught me.
I'm also imagining that if you have been sexually assaulted or raped in the past that this would, quite rightly, be a massive trigger for you. Another scenario is that not every one remembers their past, a situation from childhood can resurface years later, in a situation like this.
I hope you can reach out and get the help and support you need, and that your partner is able to understand, show remorse and agrees to counselling.