Hello IM's. Needing advice. I have a 13 year old boy in year 7 this year. He's always been a ratbag in class. He goes to school to socialise. Grade 6 he mucked around a lot which led to getting into trouble a lot. Year 7 has been hell at school and at home and there's only so much I can blame on hormones. Well, the school phoned again today. He got himself an after school detention for slacking off and disrupting his maths class & giving the teacher attitude when they tried to dicipline him. At home he's the same whenever we say no or enforce rules etc. he carries on like a pork chop. Thows his things around and slams doors. But today when his father and I confronted him about his behaviour today he went off his head. He went to his room and a few minutes later I heard an almighty bang. I went in & yelled at him to cut it out and realised he was bleeding from his hand. The bang was him punching the mirror on the inside of his wardrobe door. It smashed and sliced his hand open. I don't know how else to discipline him. He's so disrespectful towards any adult that tries. I've taken his things away ie phone, Playstation. I've given him extra chores. I've tried bribing him to do better. I've stopped him from going out with his friends. Then he guilts me that he's so hard done by. Im stuck! I don't know what else to do. I'm at the point where I would rather be at work so I don't have to deal with him.
4 Replies
Has he ever been assessed for ADHD or any other disorder by a peadiatrician? I'd also be looking to get outside supports involved.
Sometimes it's actually they can't behave or concentrate. It's not that they are being deliberately disruptive.
I'd be asking for a full work up.
I was going to suggest the same thing.
My brother was exactly as you've described your son, was always described as a 'highly spirited' child and a bit of a ratbag but none of the signs you'd typically associate with ADHD, he was diagnosed at 13.
I think puberty probably had a huge impact on my brother. Suddenly he wasn't a spirited child anymore, he was a troubled teen and 'that kid'.
I'd definitely get a professional opinion
I would be stripping his room while he is at school and leaving his bed and a few clothes in there.... thats it.... take the door, take the wardrobe door... make him earn it back.
You are the parent, he is playing you by making you feel bad... he is the kid. If he behaves badly then there.is consequences.
This includes any technology he has in his room.
You and your hubby need to be on the same page.
Spend time with your kid. Get to know him. Build up trust and respect. Stop with the punishment model. Read up
on alternatives. Talk to him, and really listen. Perhaps family counseling is in order. This problem is not on his shoulders alone. You need to learn a new way of communicating. Create new family dynamics. And understand that anything new takes time, so if he starts to trust you, and starts to open up, don't push it, and be prepared to continue the conversation over a period of time. It's purely about starting the conversation. And seeking resources to assist you, and the family. Doing a youth mental health first aid course would be helpful. Doing any type of parenting course that focuses on connection and communication, also good. Not being afraid of the truth, asking the right questions, and being there for him, no matter how big his feelings are. Look up Nurtured Heart Approach.
Loving your kid through it all is vital. Yes it's bloody hard, but please don't give up, don't bury your head in the proverbial sand i.e. go to work. Now is the time to cut back on work, be there for him more, not less. Put supports in place, talk to the school counselor, talk to your GP, talk to other parents who are accessing services. I'd be getting a mental health care plan and find him a psychologist, or a good youth counselor. There is help and support available, you just gotta keep asking and searching, and don't let anyone fob you off, or downplay this as typical. Your kid deserves better, and not to be labeled a trouble maker