Hi IM's
This will probably end up longer than I intend.
Hubby and I have been together for quite a few years. I thought I knew him well enough, but turns out I don't.
Last night we were both laying in bed and our son (3mo) started hysterically crying. I attempted to breastfeed him but due to recent issues it was taking longer than normal.
This woke hubby who was then saying "do you want me to get him a bottle?", I said "no, just let me calm him first". Hubby then came around and was holding him, he calmed & I tried to re-latch which resulted in him crying again.
The argument then got heated and hubby kept going on about a bottle, then me saying no... then hubby was blocking his ears, getting really annoyed. I then said "just get a bottle then if you think it will help" (which I didn't, I just needed to relax him enough to feed) then hubby said "no, don't worry about it". Bit of back at forth and then us yelling at each other (sitting next to each other in bed). Resulted in hubby getting out of bed, slapping me across the face and walking out.
It hurt, I'll admit, but more the shock than anything else. He then went and slept in the spare room.
Needless to say I calmed bubs down and bf him, I just couldn't concentrate with bubby crying in one ear and hubby in the other.
This morning he just stayed in bed whilst I got up to the 3 kids (all under 3). When he finally got up, nothing was said. I brought it up and said "Do you want to talk about last night?", wit her the response "No". I said "You shouldn't have hit me, that was wrong." Response: "You deserved it".
I tried to bring it up again and he just said he isn't sorry and I was screaming in his ear. I said no matter how verbal we get, physical violence isn't the answer. I said I want to pack up the kids & go to my mums (which is 6 hours away) because I don't want to be around him. He said he didn't care & even if he admitted that what he did was wrong it wouldn't change anything now (I don't really know what he means by this).
I love him. Am I naive that if he has done this, then it'll happen again (especially if he is showing no remorse?). Am I stupid staying with him & having him around the kids? Or am I overreacting? I thought I knew him, maybe I did yell/scream too much and I did deserve it. I don't know. Can somebody really do this as a once odd and never again?
I wish we had family/friends where we are living to confide in. I don't even feel comfortable telling family/friends, as I know they will judge him.
I really don't know what to do. Do I pack up and go? Do I ask him to leave? (Which I doubt he will).
Sorry, just needed to get it all out. :(
33 Replies
Nope, not forgivable in my opinion.
It's one slap now, next time it might be a punch, the time after that might be a broken nose or a cracked skull. Violence is violence!
And to get so worked up over something so trivial (I get he was probably frustrated and tired - still totally unacceptable), it sounds like he's got some underlying anger issues.
You don't have to leave, you report it to the police. They will place a FVO on him and remove him.
Don't worry about your friends/family judging him, your safety is the most important thing here!
Or just another slap, a broken tv, kicking things at you while you bath your baby, slamming doors on you, telling you you deserve it, it goes on and on and it destroys who you are. And it breaks your children. No matter how bad each singular incident seems.
Absolutely!
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you put up with abuse.
You wouldn't tolerate a stranger slapping you or a colleague. Don't tolerate it from someone who is supposed to love you!
From poster:
You are all right. I feel like it was a once off.. but I suppose everybody feels that way initially?
He definitely has some anger issues, and our current situation (financial difficulties & massive sleep deprivation) doesn't help the situation.
I have asked him to leave & as he said "Where would I go?". I don't want something like this to ruin us, or do our kids to think 'daddy is violent', because generally he isn't.
You are right, everyone thinks it's a once off, until it isn't.
Plenty of people go through crap times, exactly as stated, and worse, but they don't hit there partner. It's so common to want to excuse or look for a reason for the behaviour. There is no excuse and there should never be a reason.
Anger issues are not acceptable, I think you've probably been making excuses for other behaviours too.
Where would he go? He can find a share house, he can find a spare room or couch somewhere, and really that isn't your problem.
He needs to go, or you need to.
Yes there will be another time if you don't draw the line in the sand.
I say this in the most respectful way but you need to stop making excuses for him. I don't mean to be dramatic but people are assaulted/injured or worse all the time by people who aren't 'generally violent'. One violent outburst is enough to prove he's capable of doing it again but next time it may have a worse outcome.
Personally, there are too many "what ifs". What if next time he knocks you out? What if next time he snaps and lays into the kids? It's not worth the risk
Yes, you cannot say he isnt ' generally' violent after what hes done. I think you need to speak to dv councellors. Because this is hugely emotional and paychological for you, and youre thinking is exactly what we all think, and its wrong. Its what keeps us there and makes it worse.
If he can do it once, he has given himself permission to do it. So it wont be once. And e fear, and you blaming stress etc, will change your behaviour. Its a situation you cant excuse and just put behind you. You need to understand that dv is very largely psychological, and what happens in between incidents is what will break you.
If being slapped while breastfeeding is not your limit, then what is?
How many times does he need to do it for you to realise this isnt the relationship you want out of life? Please understand that each time it gets harder and harder for you, so if not now, when?
Yes where he goes is not your concern. You having a safe place to deal with what happened. Your babies having a safe place IS your concern. He is not welcome to be a part of that home while hes carrying on and behaving that way. He becomes none of your concern. He sounds very abusive, saying things like that.
Nope, not forgiveable. He hit you while you were holding a baby and now says you deserved it!
I think if you stay there will be more hits to come.
I think you are under reacting. I'd be surprised if there wasn't some other types of abuse going on in your relationship, verbal/psychological etc. someone who wasn't already beat down emotionally would have left in the middle of the night.
Please leave while you have the strength to do so.
Agree I think she has been worn down by him lately that this wasnt a completely shocking, unforgivable moment for her.
No way would i be hanging around. Pack your things and go to your mums. It just opens you up and makes him think its ok and u will accept him hitting you next time.
Is one hit forgivable?
In the heat of the moment, things get said and done. Some people have a bad day, week, month, year... and finally end up snapping. Once the greater issues are resolved, maybe some anger management techniques learnt; yeah, one hit can be forgivable.
Is what your husband did forgivable?
No.
He got out of bed and walked over to you. He planned on hitting you. It wasn't just an heat of the moment response to an insult (which is still extremely wrong, just to clarify).
To then not only walk out, but to tell you that you deserved it the next day... no remorse!
And this all happening in front of a baby. Likely whilst you were nursing. What if he missed and hit him? What if you dropped him out of shock? What if next time its more serious ans either you or one of your children gets seriously injured - or worse?
Because there will be a next time if you forgive him, as forgiving him is basically saying that what he did was acceptable.
And honestly, he sounds like he's been abusive for a while and you just haven't noticed.
You deserve better.
As someone that has been where you are. I wish someone had said to me, this is the start. You are now in a dv relationship. What you do now is very improtant. Your mind and heart doesnt want to make a big deal out of it, you want to excuse it or believe him - thats part of the cycle. Its part of what will make you keep staying, as his behaviours repeat. 'Its not that bad, maybe i did deserve it, he didnt mean it' etc etc etc. you make your own bed, until youre so far in that you dont even remember how you get there, youre just holding on and waiting for it to stop.
He hit you, in the face, while you were holding your baby.
Let that really sink in.
He has no remorse. You did NOT deserve it.
Pack up and leave or put him out. You need to avoid him in coming days as he will be a roller coaster of emotion and it will affect you. You need to stay strong and not hear it, you cant argue and plead an apology out of him now, thats meaningless.
Go. Make the point very clearly that you will not tolerate this. Your children will not grow up like this. And if you end up back with him, and he does it again, no matter how minor - you have got to leave him. It is domestic abuse. Do not get sucked into it.
Only you can decide what you choose to do. But maybe this will open your eyes to other issues with in your relationship to see that this may not be the first time.
In cases of DV the first time they put hands on you isn't usually the first time they've been abusive. His actions before & after the slap are also unacceptable.
I feel you need to take a step back and reassess everything. Not just the relationship between you & him, but between him & your children. You were holding your child. Your baby might be very young, but he was just exposed to family violence.
No one deserves physical violence. Ever. Don't you dare allow him to make you question your rights as a person, like having support & an opinion & a safe, supportive home.
This will escalate. He's already excused his behaviour. He is guilty, yet you're the one questioning yourself. No.
If you stay then you're saying I accept what you did to me, I deserved it and you know you didn't. I don't care how much you were yelling you did not deserve to be slapped. This is how the abuse cycle starts. If you stay and don't expect him to see a counsellor for anger management or anything to that point you are allowing him to do it again. He's already admitted he doesn't regret it, he hasn't admitted that what he did was wrong, he hasn't said sorry to me that's unforgiveable.
It does sound like your used to how he treats you already. It also sounds like he's at the end of his teather, tired, grumpy angry which is still no excuse to slap you.
If it was me I'd be getting up to feed the baby and leave hubby sleeping especially if he's the one in the house working full time. I plan on having my rocking chair in the lounge room when I have my baby at the end of the year where the heating/cooling is. I don't know if the two of you will work this out and maybe you can and maybe you won't. But if you do decide to stick around I suggest you see a counsellor or ensure he sees someone for anger management and make sure he understands if he hits you again he will loose it all.
Thank you. Generally I do feed the baby elsewhere, however we have 3 young kids who continually wake during the night. It's impractical for him to get a decent (or anybody really) nights sleep. I'd argue that being at home with the 3 kids is possibly more tiring than his full time work.
Poster:
I sent him this (whilst he was in the lounge room. He won't talk to me at all).
I didn't want it to be like this. I'm sitting here crying thinking what have I done wrong? Where did it all go so bad? I know everyone of those answers you will blame me. You will say 'you did this' 'you did that' 'you're the psycho'. The list goes on.
What you did to be. Hitting me. Was completely and utterly unacceptable. Not only did you hurt me. I was holding our son. Who knows what would have happened to him.
Is this the start? Is violence the answer? What happens from here? Do you react this way every time you are angry?
I apologised for yelling. I am sorry I did. However, I would never raise my hand to you or the kids.
I am scared. Scared of what's to come. More so scared that you didn't see what you did as wrong, that I deserved it. I shutter to think what else happens when there is another argument.
I get you don't think you have anywhere to go, so that leaves me with no choice but to take the kids to mums. I can't stay here and I wouldn't be a decent mother if I left our children in this toxic environment.
I can already see in my head what you will respond. So I don't want you to. I just want you to know how I am feeling. I love you. But this, this isn't right. And until you can see that, then we are not a family.
His response:
If you slapped me in the face it would be fine. Fuck that, fuck this. I love my kids, I don't love you
Mine:
It wouldn't be fine if I slapped you in the face.
His:
Yes it would and you know it, society knows it. I will leave today I'll sleep in the car, I don't give a fuck I just don't want to deal with you
He has no accountability at all, he's still trying to deflect the blame onto you. Stand your ground, you shouldn't have to be on the receiving end if his violence or vitriolic anger.
I hope you stay strong. This is ringing lots of bells for me, especially the dont love you part. Believe that. When hes calm, and wants to make it work and after realising 'youre going to be a problem about it' he will eventually make peomises for it to work, might even cry and promise to see someone. And it will be convincing. But what they do in the heat of the moment, hating you. Thats real. And you dont deserve it. And you cant fix it. You cant fix them. Move on from him. Go and find someone who loves you entirely.
His responses say it all. He will never take responsibility for this and an abuser is what he is at his core.
Make sure you speak to a DV support group for support.
Let your family and friends know what happened. Keeping this 'secret' is never a good idea. If he doesn't leave, call the police.
And just to add, its not even about 'what could have happened to the baby'. Its what did happen to the baby. Hormones would have flooded your body, and they wouls have flooded the babys too. This changes the baby, changes who they are and how they grow up.
Yes physical harm is bad but even before that, emotional damage is terrible. Do not underestimate it. For yourself, and for your children. Its just not ok to go through that in what should be the safety of your own home and the safety of loved ones.
I think everyone else has said it all. I just wanted to say I wish I could give you a hug and help you
In my opinion, it is forgivable pending the circumstances. And in the ones in your OP, I'd say forgivable. You're both tired, frustrated and emotional after welcoming a new baby and some people deal with emotions in different ways.
You weren't respecting that he wanted to feed via a bottle and he wasn't respecting that you wanted to BF. There needs to be compromise somewhere in there or you need to remove yourself from the situation to healthily feed your baby. Your baby won't calm down with the arguing and stress he was providing you, but you also were biting back which escalated the situation.
His responses to your text and saying he doesn't love you should be enough though to end it! Who cares where he goes, he can f*** off with a response like that!
Theres absolutely no blame on you in this situation. Please dont analyse it. You are breastfeeding an infant in the middle of the night, as if thats not hard enough, you also have a man pressuring the situation and slapping you.
There is no excuse. No you wont find any women who have had this happen to them, as a one off, and ignored it to go on to have a great relationship. It just doesnt happen that way. Its not an accident, it is dv. You do not have any blame in pushing him. None.
You were right when you said 'You shouldn't have hit me that was wrong' Because it is wrong.
You are also right when you said ' No matter how verbal we get, physical violence isn't the answer' Because physical violence is not the answer....regardless. it's NEVER ok.
Him saying 'You deserved it' .............NO...you didn't deserve it. Noone deserves it!
If my husband did that to me..I would not be able to forgive him. I would leave him.
Don't you ever feel bad for leaving to protect yourself and your children. I would pack up and go to your mums for a while until you can sort things out with what you want to do..I would report it to police also.
A cheetah's spots never change. Most of all stay safe and big hugs to you!
I really think going to your mums is your best answer and I hope you did that ! Give yourself space give yourself some help and hopefully rest . Share what has
Happened with your family so they know the depth of the grief you will feel! And can help yuh sort emotion from thoughts and fact .
It's true that during times of great stress is where D.V can begin ... having 3 small children is so stressful and it isn't going to get any easier for a a few years yet !!! In fact it will get harder for a while
As they all go through attitude changes and terrible twos fearsome threes and f'd up fours ;) you need to be able to trust each other .
Despite the lack of sleep despite the stress and despite the chaos.
By slapping you and telling you he doesn't love you he's broken that and taken it to a level that can not be taken back .
In saying that you should go to your Mums you will in the long term need to make arrangements closer to home so the kids can still be around dad and what you do with your relationship
From there is up to you no
One can tell you either way . But having some space might help give you some clarity and him too .
Hell no. That is disgusting behaviour. Walk away. I believe if you are big enough to hit you are big enough to be hit. This however is not on at all. He hit you while trying to feed your baby. If it was that bad there is the couch if he wanted to chuck a tantrum. Just read your messages to and from. Leave. He will do it again.
it is not forgivable. it doesn't get better it gets worse.
my ex was first angry and smashed things when I came home with our eldest. it slowly turned into constant yelling we seperated for a while but I let it go. it quickly turned into constant yelling and then locking me outside in the sun while daughter was inside. every time i let him tell me it was my fault and let it go.then the throwing things at me started I put up with it let him tell me it was my fault. after 8.5 yrs together old had enough of him slamming doors in my face locking me out calling me nasty things and not letting me get inside to my daughters. he moved out at first I aimed to improve things and get back together however after 6mths apart I have realised it wasn't me. even now if we try to have a conversation about it some how its still my fault each time i said something I did something.
it won't change expecially as he has shown he does not see how it was wrong and he is blaming you. please think if yours and the kids safety. I spent far to long miserable and I hope that nobody else does that. it's not your fault and its not ok.
get out for all of your sakes
Original Poster:
I just saw this posted on Facebook and wanted to give an update.
Since writing this, I had a big breakdown (on the same day). I cried, cried and cried. He walked past me and didn't flinch. Not a "Are you ok?".. nothing.
I asked him to leave. He did. We spoke via text, nothing was sorted.
I had a horrible night with the kids (I was up all night) and he completely ignored me. Text the next morning saying his phone was on silent & he was sorry (for not ignoring me).
Then we texted again whilst he was working. Decided he would come home that night and help out with the kids, that I was going to get some rest & head to see my mum the next day with the kids.
When he came home, it didn't take long for him to go back to his angry/cranky self within minutes of them not going to sleep/doing as they are told (toddler being toddlers).
He told me he had spoke to his mother & I didn't something I shouldn't have, I read their texts between each other. He told her that he slapped me & how wrong it was etc. Her response was along the lines of 'She must have really pushed you, I've never seen you like that" (I cannot remember the exact words) and 'I hope the kids didn't see it'.. not so much "you never should have done that.. etc etc". She also said he better be careful (I am assuming I'm the sense of if he 'snaps' again, I'll leave?.. I don't know).
I have seen him angry before. I have seem him when I believe he is about to snap and I've asked him to walk away. Ie. getting frustrated with the kids or similar.
I do think he is suffering from depression or some form of PND.
I have since come to my mums. Not that I didn't feel safe, but more I didn't want to be in such a volatile situation.
We have spoken via text again and he believes he needs to see something about how he is feeling, his anger issues.
He has said he is scared of who he has become since the kids. That he never knew he was like this..
I don't know what to do. Gut says run. Things are only going to escalate. He clearly has a nasty streak & I shouldn't put my children in a situation for it to happen to them. My heart? I love him. I want to be with him, he is a beautiful father.
I am so tired I have lost my train of thought.
I'm sorry. Don't delude yourself. He is not a beautiful father FFS. Please don't make excuses for him, and do not believe the type of BS his mother wrote! Obviously she doesn't want to acknowledge she's raised a wife beater. Victim blaming, it's shit, but it happens, and from other women no less.
Stay away for awhile, leave him to sort his shit out. You've got 3 little ones to care for
How can he be a beautiful father? He has a short temper with his kids, hits there mother and thinks she deserved it.
I think we need to redefine what a good father is.
No. Never ok to hit anyone. And never ok to be screaming and yelling around kids either.
Leave. Go to your mum. And tell people. Don't keep his dirty little secret. The shame of DV is on him. Not you. Get help and support from your friends and family. Have time out at mum's and then work out your next move
If you have been together for tears and this is out of character, it appears to me that you are both under a lot of stress and both having difficulty controlling your actions. Let him calm down and talk to each other then. No one is perfect.