I have 2 daughters. A sweet and loving 5 yr old that is polite and respectful. My 2nd is almost 3 years old. They're both very intelligent and I love each of them but in all honesty I'm finding my 2nd really really hard. I'm a behaviour teacher so I certainly don't let kids walk all over me. I'm big on showing respect in modelling and having it returned. Husband however is a very soft and loving man and lets kids get away with a lot. She goes to kindy 3 days a week as I work part time. Her dad works literally 7 days a week every single week and long hours. She just adores her dad which is great, but says to me (with no reason) "I don't like you, get away from me." I originally used to try to talk to her about why? Etc but would get screamed at. I have always just ignored her or if it was a moment that pissed me off at such rudeness I'd tell her to leave the room/apologise or remind her who looks after her needs and wants etc.
All result in same response. Yelling and screaming.
The other morning I was in bed (about 4am) and her dad was just waking up for work when she woke up and came in to bed. After a short while she said to me "get out" husband asked her to say sorry to mummy but she refused. I just pretended I was asleep and ignored her. She then pushed me and said "you're yucky, get out!" Husband went to work. After about 15 mins she asked for "dinner" even though she'd had dinner before bed. I was so tired and so over her rudeness but didn't want her to be hungry so made her some fruit and went back to sleep while she sat next to me eating. After eating she went back to sleep and woke up at 5:30am. I got up and made both kids breakfast and she starts her screaming over nothing and her big sister went to give her a cuddle. She pushed her big sis away and yelled "GET AWAY FROM ME!" She was then told to ignore her rude behaviour. I said to the younger one: "I am sick of your rudeness. I give you everything you need. No one else does these things for you. When you call me yucky it hurts my feelings." She said crying "but you are a yucky mummy." I asked her why and she said because you aren't my mummy. Daddy my mummy, not you. You her mum" pointing at big sister. I said I am your mummy and daddy is your daddy. She screamed again and threw herself to the floor. I always ignore this behaviour so walked away.
She finally stopped crying (about a minute) and was quiet then walked to her sisters room and cried in there before coming back out and said "I don't like you. I just only love my Daddy!" I said "OK well you know what. No party for turning 3, no more special presents, no more anything special anymore. Does daddy get up and get you 'dinner' when you're still hungry? ("No") does daddy help you when you've accidentally wet the bed? ("No you does it") Who picks you up from kindy? ("I want daddy do") I said well I'm sick of you treating me the way you are. No party, no special things anymore, no more dance classes until you are respectful and that means being nice to me and use kind words towards me." She said "yes dancing!" I said "only dancing if you are nice to me." She wailed and cried. She's gotten slightly better but I really don't understand where I went wrong with this one and while I love her, we're already drifting apart further and further from each other.
She begins every day crying/wailing and it seems to be over nothing!
2 yr old
2 yr old
Posted in:
Kids
12 Replies
Hard to comment without knowing you both, but something that stood out was, husband is loving and soft whilst you like to model respect and ignore her when she is having a tanty and upset. Maybe she's not feeling loved by you? Could it be you are a little military style with your parenting and she responds better to love/softness. Does she get affection from you? The fact she said that you are her sisters mum is a 2 year olds way of saying, you love her and not me? By ignoring her when she is upset, maybe she feels unloved and supported? Maybe your professional background makes you more clinical with her behaviour and less motherly? As I said, I could be completely off the mark with this as I don't know you and are jut commenting on a snippet of info. No matter what's happening, I would start spending some one on one time with her doing fun things and trying to bond and connect with her and see how that goes.
Ok I see 2 issues here:
You and hubby aren't on the same page when it comes to parenting
&
You don't seem to have a lot of patience for your younger daughter (Though, I do understand that's not without reason).
Firstly, I think you and hubby need to have a good discussion in regards to parenting. You both need to be willing to compromise. Hubby could probably stand to be a bit more firm and you probably need to relax a bit. Find a happy medium. Some 3 year olds are dificult, you also may need to adjust your parenting style for each girl. Things that work for one may not work for the other.
Secondly, I don't think ignoring rude behavior is the right approach, she needs to have a consistent consequence for this behavior to learn that saying hurtful things are unacceptable but punishment alone won't work either.
Have you tried to understand why she's saying these things? Kids this age struggle to articulate their feelings at this age, perhaps she's trying to communicate something more complex with you that she doesn't quite understand her self.
It sounds to me like she's picking up on the fact that your relationship with your older daughter is easier, you probably (unintentionally) show more patience with your older daughter.
I think if you address these issues you will see some improvement.
Just to add, I think picking your battles will help too, if she's getting into trouble or being ignored every time she's done something wrong, she probably feels like you're always at her.
Honestly I think the key here is patience, patience & more patience.
Good luck
Sounds like shes got a bond or an idea or even a yearning about her daddy being there more.
Shes too little to communicate it and sort out big emotions.
you need to stop worrying about behaviour control and suport her emotions (sadness) and push through to build a loving relationship. You might need help. Start by telling her all the great things she does and how wonderful she is and how much you love her and its important to support her love for her dad. Help her do special paintings for him and make things for him and get excited about what you can do together for when he comes home.
Also youll find with kids, someone recently said they find the gap and take it, and its so true. So if you have a sweet loving polite respectful five year old, child number two is going to find her own spot and it seems that shes decides she'll find her special place with daddy.
I'm the poster and yes I probably am too strict but I am always telling her I love her or overly celebrating little things she does but 99% of the time I just get a scowl from her and looks away defiantly.
I love that she loves her dad but I get hurt when she shows such strong dislike. I try to sit with her and give her affection but she doesn't want to be cuddled by me and runs off to dance or run around. Yet dinner time she will be held by dad as he eats dinner and will yell at me if I look at them-???! Husband gets frustrated by her constant whinging when he's home and picks her up even after saying no. So she knows how to get what she wants with Dad but I'm of the approach if I've said no it's not changing.
I think you need to realise somethings broken for this little girl now. Shes decided you mum her sister and she will be able to please dad. It could be a personality thing, not all kids can handle the same treatment, it seems she really hasnt responded well to it.
I get that its annoying she adores him blindly while you do everything, and that she isnt coming to the party when you offer love, but shes two, so you have to put your mummy pants on and love her through it.
I think your partner can help this too by not letting her be rude to you, not by harshness, by role modeling his love for you and encouraging her love for you, he can influence her. You two could work together to bring you into their little thing, but I think youre going to need a different tactic to build a relationship with this one.
Maybe it's your reaction, maybe she sees it in youreyes that she hurts you. Two year olds can be quite manipulative and maybe she feels she has this power, that she knows she can push your buttons. Maybe she is loving the power she has over you?
This sounds soo much like my youngest daughter! She's the middle child too, eldest daughter is 6, she's 4 and youngest boy is 2...i feel a few things impacted our relationship, I had pnd with her, she was a VERY hard baby and it was also a shitty time in my life when she was born, then I made her wean from breastfeeding when I was pregnant with her brother which was just awful and she changed from a cuddly loving girl to a tantrum throwing nightmare lol
She can still be so loving and cuddly but its definitely on her terms. She is often mean to me and her sister, saying things like she doesn't love us or she only loves daddy. It does hurt but I just tell her it's not nice to speak to us like that and we love her.
Their dad works away a lot so it's mainly me here doing everything but when he's home he's tired or can't be bothered and her bahaviour is 1000 times worse! She wants dad to do everything and he won't so I have to do while she's screaming at me that she wants him :( it's so frustrating! And while I do try to explain/pull her up on her rudeness to me, I understand that she just misses her dad and it's hard for her.
My eldest is so much like me and so loving, kind and helpful to everyone, I feel like I just relate to her better as we are so similar and my second probably just picks up on that too.
It's hard but probably not something you've done, I think it's just personality clashes that don't work as well as others. I'd try to have more one on one time with her if you can and always be kind even when she's not. xx
Look into The Nurtured Heart Approach.
Do you think she's picking up on the fact that you prefer her older sister?
Sounds like you expect her to be just like her perfect older sister. She is a different child and number 2 is often much more difficult. She is having feelings that she can't understand or express. She misses and wants more time with her dad and this is the only way for her to tell you. Don't argue and definitely don't punish her for having feelings. Acknowledge the feeling 'you miss dad and wish he was around more don't you?' 'I understand, but saying mean things to mummy won't make that happen and hurts my feelings' 'Let's do something special together this morning'. She's only 2, don't crush her feelings, it invalidates her and will cause big problems later. Tell her you love her all the time and try to find a way for your husband to spend more time with her. She is crying out (literally) to be heard and understood
Hi
I think asking what your husbnd does that you don't is your answer. What is going to make her feeled loved by you? 2yo kids are hard work and have no idea as a mum what we do for them.
Stop focusing on this. All i heard from my narcissistic mother is what she did for me and if she had her time over she would have never had kids..... it just builds resentment.
Work out what makes your daughter tick. Find out what her love language is (5 languages of love ) and work on meeting it. She maybe word of affirmation? Or she knows that is your love language and knows what she is saying is pressing your buttons/hurting your feelings?
Stop punishing her by taking away her fun. It will only add fuel to the fire.
Discipline for her rude behaviour and don't give into her demands.
I completely understand having a child who clearly loves your partner more then you after everything we do for them. But my partner would never allow our child to speak like that to me and if she refused to apologise for it. There would be consequences and he would be the one to follow it through. One thing would be is she wouldn't be allowed in our bed while chosing to behave in such a way. He would have removed her and let her know she was welcome to come back in when she apologised.
My daughter would constantly be wanting her dad. But the simple truth was her love language is word of affirmation and I would never praise her like i should have been or like her dad did. Once I realised what I was needing to do to meet her needs. Our bond has become extremely strong. The thought of never discovering the the 5 languages of love to bond with my daughter is frightening.