I am a non-smacker at heart, I am still recovering from a childhood of abuse (sexual, emotional, extreme smacking, witnessing physical violence against mother and siblings) and I have seen multiple studies with evidence of smacking being negative and not helpful, I fully agree with these (not going to debate the people who were "smacked as a child and turned out fine"), however I have found myself so burnt out and stressed that I have resorted to smacking fingers and legs (not hard, so I do not consider it abuse, but I do consider it bad). I have no support network and the people who I do have near to "help" are all very "pro-smacking" including my partner. I would really love some links, tips etc on genuinely effective forms of discipline that don't involve violence or manipulation, that do breed respect and empathy.
Discipline and patience
Discipline and patience
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Mental Health, Parenthood Guilt, Health & Wellbeing, Education, Behaviour, Baby & Toddler, Kids
5 Replies
Look into the TripleP parenting program. It's evidence based, I raised my now adult son using the principles and it was awesome! My son has a disability often associated with behavioural problems and it really stood the test.
Its cognitive behaviour therapy. Change the mindset (the burnt out, stressed) and your behaviour will change, or if you cant and are just too short tempered, you can do the opposite, change the behaviour and your mindset will change.
So when you go to smack, gently grab and hold instead and say, mummy doesnt like that, then give a cuddle and divert. You will enjoy it and feel better about yourself so will continue to do it. Its a cycle, the first step is the hardest.
I find when im really struggling myself and cant engage my parenting sucks, im lazy then shitty, its not about changing being shitty, its about going right back to changing the whole day and not engaging right from the start.
Your example of parenting as a child was violent. So when pushed your go-to wants to be 'smack'. I had a violent upbringing and vowed never to touch my children. I managed to never hit them (they're grown up now), but I had to develop strategies and also the skill to recognise the triggers. When I was younger I use to think being hit didn't effect me as an adult. But as I've got older and more aware of my 'issues', most of them come from never being good enough and being harshly punished constantly. Good on you for sticking to your beliefs and not letting others sway you.
A couple of things I did when it got to 'trigger' time:
* Tickle or kiss them to death when they were tantruming on the floor (at home)
* Tantrums or poor behaviour at shops - walked away from the loaded trolly in the supermarket, or out of the shop or restaurant, and just went straight to the car and home (Woolies will put it all back on the shelf)
* Take them to their room and close the door and tell them they can come out when they're happy. Lrt them choose when that is (no technology in their room)
* Take myself to my room and lock myself in and come out when I had myself under control (I think the kids respected this as it was the same treatment they got - come out when you're happy...)
* Turn the battle into a game - swearing - used to make them spell it; making big messes - clean up together, etc
Mine did not have any health or underlying issues and just needed normal parenting. I was a single mum. Ex had mental health and anger issues - the kids worked out how to avoid dad's tantrums at his place. Luckily he never hit them but he yelled a lot...
See a psychologist to work on your trauma.
Look into conscious/gentle parenting techniques and Nurtured Heart Approach program
Time out chair for sure. I snapped back to reality when my then 2 year old hit me on the hand when I wouldn't allow him to eat sugar out of the sugar jar 😂 I laugh now but was absolutely mortified that he'd picked up on my behaviour so quickly. He sure showed me the error of my ways. The time out chair works for us, when he's calmed down after doing his time, we talk about why he ended up there, have a hug and say "friends again". It's working for the moment, but I'm sure he'll outsmart us soon 😊