A ramble... A cry... A motivational pep talk.

The hardest thing about depression isn't the depressed part...
It's the fighting.
The continuous fighting.
Of yourself
By yourself.
For yourself.
It's the forcing yourself to keep swimming no matter how tired you are,
How completely and utterly, whole body exhausted you've become...
that's hard.
Giving up...
that's easy.
Having to force yourself, every day to get up because you can't give in, even though you're just so done with the fighting, But you get up anyway... knowing that there's a good chance you wont actually win today... or any day.
Every day.
That's hard.
You can't give in because you know,
you know that you're the only one holding those shattered pieces together with a white knuckle grip, promising yourself you wont let go... that you can do this.
You know.
You know if you falter, tire and lose your grip on one piece, it'll have a domino effect and you wont be able to stem the flow.
You know.
You know you can't give in.
So you fight.
But yet sometimes, you entertain the idea.
You wonder what it would be like to not have to get up anymore.
To just not have to fight anymore.
To just not have to be anymore...
And then you stop...
Then you experience that odd, calming sensation as you imagine not having to fight anymore.
You get a 2 second reprieve as you daydream.
How quickly the inky, black numbness takes over you...
You faltered...
That's scary.
Then you reshuffle those pieces and prepare to carry them through another day.
Another month
Another year
Another life.
Why?
Because
You
just
have
to
keep
swimming.

Tomorrow, I will reshuffle my pieces.
Tomorrow, I will have a different game plan.
I will be ok.
I will always fight... or at least I hope I will always fight, with everything I have.
Tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow, I will keep swimming.

But for right now,
I'm drowning.