This is going to be long winded, so i apologise in advance.
I'm so confused, i need help trying to figure out where i'm at.
To look at, our life is perfect. Hubby has a well paid job, we bought our first house last year, we have a decent car, three beautiful children, i get to be a stay at home mum. I do have two (not profitable) business' that i'm trying to build.
On paper, we're screwed. Hubby's basic pay doesn't cover all our out goings, so he has to do heaps of overtime to keep us afloat. This is such a stress on him and I. I wouldn't say we have many unnecessary outgoings, though there's a credit card that needs paying off which would guve us back $100 per fortnight when done. My youngest starts school next year, so hopefully i'll be able to get a job and help financially. Ideally, my two business' would become profitable so i can still do all i do now, for my family. Untill then, we can't afford childcare.
I have a few health issues. I had them under control, but with finances being the way they are, i've cut back on many of my medications. I'm down to the bare minimum.
I have zero interest in sex. Like zero. I couldn't care less if i never did it again. I know this, in part, is due to my hormone issues, but at $120 per prescription, it's not happening!
My husband is feeling neglected, and unloved. I feel bad he feels this way, but i also cant find the energy, or motivation to even try to change it. It's been two months since we last had sex, and the longer it goes, the harder it gets! He's not on my case about it, but he says he feels i don't love him.
Got me thinking... do I??
Is it simply my hormones, and life stressors? Or do i just not love him any more?
I should want to make him happy. Want to make him feel loved. But i really, really, can't be bothered.
I don't want to hurt him. He's a really great guy, a great dad, but i'm just not feeling those feelings.
Date nights won't happen, we're broke. But when we've done them in the past, it feels awkward. Like we don't know who we are without the kids. Then i feel pressure to put out at the end of a date night, which makes me just shut down.
I don't know if this a question, or a vent.
I appreciate honesty, but please be kind. I'm on the edge.
Life stress, hormones, hubby feels unloved
Life stress, hormones, hubby feels unloved
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Self Care
12 Replies
Obviously I don't know everything about your situation, so just some thoughts.
You absolutely need to prioritise your medication without a doubt. Not because of your husband but because you can't look after everyone else, get a job and run businesses if you aren't on top of your health. You need to speak to your doctor. Sometimes there are alternatives. Or could you pay the debt off slower in order to get your medication.
If the businesses aren't profitable are they costing you money to run? If they are costing you money you can't afford to run them and need to divert those funds to medication etc.
They aren't costing me money, but any profit made goes right back into stock.
I have the minimum i need for medication, but i would certainly feel better with the rest. But when it's a toss up between meds, or fuel to get the kids to school... what do you do?
The sex thing is my partner and I but reversed. He is the one who "can't be bothered" which makes me feel like a piece of dog shit stuck on someone's shoe! I do heaps of stuff for the family no matter how I'm feeling or whether I can be bothered or not, I do it because I understand my family has needs...well I have needs too! I also feel very unloved, unwanted and unattractive and it has made my self esteem non existent. I am not saying this to make you feel bad, just letting you know what it may be like for him. I would suggest to schedule sex. Make a date where you PROMISE to do it, no matter what. No "I'm too tired", no "headaches". Just do it. A relationship without sex is not really a relationship, you're just roommates.
I actually had the 'do it day' idea, but thought he might feel shitty going for it when he knows i straight up don't want to?
Dont tell him. Just keep if to yourself that on xx day you do it with him.
Well just do it already!!
Can I ask why you think childcare is not affordable? I went back to work for 3 days a week and paid $33 per day for daycare after the rebates. I was making $130 per day so still taking $300 home at the end of the week.
Because we arent entitled to any centrelink ?
If it hasn't changed in the last few years, everyone is entitled to the 50 percent off up to 7500 per child per year? I'm pretty sure it would be worth it to work part time and also look into family daycare. Sorry to say, but if your businesses aren't profitable at this stage, you need to earn some money to help support your family, your hubby sounds like he is at full capacity. I have a business idea I am trying to develop, but I certainly won't be quitting my day job any time soon. Your husband sounds patient with the no sex thing, ive been on the other side and it's the worst feeling in the world. Work and getting your medication should be the priority at this point and I am sure everything will fall into place.
I would go through your entire budget. Shop round for cheaper insurances. See where you can streamline in groceries. Look at literally all of your expenses in your statements. You might be able to find some hidden savings somewhere. Maybe a financial adviser?
Have you registered for the Medicare thing where if your prescriptions go over a set figure they're free for the rest of the year?
I worked nights while my partner worked days. It was rough as hell but it reduced any time spent needing child care or baby sitters to the bare minimum. We're also not eligible for CL so luckily we got our hours to a 2 hour overlap, it was pretty easy to get family to cover two hours per day. Just an idea. I'd run one business in spare time and look at getting at least part time work.
Finally, only you know if you love him but it's normal to alternate between burning passion and barely housemates. It's true the less you get the less you want, at times we've gone MONTHS without. Now we're back to a few times a week and I wonder how we bloody survived not getting laid for 3-4 months at a time except the few times I put my big girl panties on (or is that took 'em off?) and took one for the team. Take the stress out of "date night". How awkward is it sitting in a restaurant thinking "what can I say that I didn't tell him this morning, I know, you didn't put the bins out this morning dickface". Don't do it to yourself. Curl up on the couch after the kids have gone to bed and watch a movie, take it in turns choosing and all importantly DON'T BITCH. I've had to watch Japanese zombie movies with no subtitles and the dodgiest Z grade horror movies ever, I've made my partner watch The Crow about 5 times and some pretty out there comedies. Just cuddle up and hang out together.
I wish I had the answers but I understand the way you feel. I can't stand the thought of being touched and feel guilty too. I'm questioning my feelings for my husband too and I'm not sure if it's my depression and anxiety that's causing it either. I also have massive body issues and hate the way I look too. You need to get medication sorted as this will help things become clearer for you and hopefully answer some of those questions. Would you feel better if you did some casual work rather than your husband working overtime. I know this made me feel more like a contributing household member and it gave me some more confidence. Good luck X