I'm concerned that my husband may have some paedophile tendencies.
He does not like changing our daughter's nappy particularly if there is a requirement to clean her thoroughly. He also refuses to bathe her. And if she's running around naked he gets an erection which he tries to hide.
Please only comment if you have experience in this or if you are a professional in this field. I'm an intelligent woman and am wanting to become more educated on this topic before making any accusations etc.
13 Replies
I haven't had any experience in this area but I have heard stories of men experiencing erections while nursing/ holding their baby/ child. From what I understand of this isn't not always a sexual thing but more a thing that they are over whelmed with their emotions of loving this child as a parent and can sometimes experience erections. Iam not saying he has this or saying his a paedophile. If he is experiencing this tho it may give u reasons for why his trying to avoid other things like changing her nappy or bathing cos he maybe just as freaked out as you. In all honesty I would investigate this further but it's a very touchy subject and an accusation like this could destroy ppl's lives. I would deff investigate and get to the bottom of it but also tread very lightly.
Ah good to know I've googled this topic but found nothing useful which is why I asked here.
I do not want to make accusations, rather would like to educate myself further.
I don't think he'd ever harm our little girl but want to make certain of it.
If you want a professional opinion please see a professional. Perhaps ask a organisation like brave hearts if they can point you in the right direction or asca could help too. If you can find a psychologist with experience with sexual abuse that would also be a good start.
My partner doesn't like changing our daughter's nappies either and he certainly doesn't like cleaning it thoroughly. He feels awkward about it and I assume most men would. He does bathe her but makes me clean her vagina, because like I said, he feels awkward and thinks it's wrong for a male to touch a child even just like that.
I can't help with anything else sorry, but as a previous poster suggested, Bravehearts would be a good place to start.
As a victim of child abuse by my own father, I would suggest you do investigate it further. Fair enough if he doesn't feel comfortable changing nappies and bathing as most men I know don't feel comfortable doing it but as for the erection while she is naked that's the concerning part. And I would suggest that you avoid having her naked around him.
try seeking some more info from a professional
I hope for your sake tho that's there's another explanation as it's a very hard thing to have to deal with
PLEASE seek professional advice. My daughter has been sexually assaulted by my ex-husband who is a pedophile. I have also sought counselling. My ex-husband was the same about changing my daughters nappies and bathing her. According to my counsellor this was part of his grooming process, making me believe that he would never touch her inappropriately. Please seek professional advice and until you do, do not leave your child with him unsupervised.
To be honest, you need to talk to him. Let know you have noticed. Then seek counselling together. It maybe a emotional thing, but it maybe sexual. There is things that can be done to help him. I personally have been through as a support person, a help program for this type of thing. My father inlaw was accused of sexually touching a young girl. I won't go into detail, but there is always more to it then what meets the eye.
As a child abuse victim this is my opinion only.
Firstly. I was abused by my non biological father when I was 10. I told my mother and she confronted both of us. He lied. She believed him.
He never touched me again but went on to abuse two of my sisters. One of them was his biological daughter. It's not something to ignore.
It is at least a positive sign that he is trying to limit the risk for him to do anything. He's obviously aware of his issue.
I'd confront him about it. Tell him to get help.
I know your daughter is young but start educating about who can touch certain parts of the body ASAP. It's usually people the kids trust that do it. NO ONE is allowed to. I was extremely paranoid when it came to my own kids. I had to have faith that they could defend themselves and that they would tell me if anything happened.
Best of luck with it all.
Sorry to hear you have found yourself and your daughter in this situation. As others have said, my husband too avoids nappy changes but the erections when she is naked are concerning.
The fact he is avoiding these situations suggests he is aware of the inappropriateness of his feelings and suggests he is attempting to control them by not putting himself in a situation he may find tempting. That's a positive sign (provided he hasn't ever acted on these feelings).
Despite what some other posters have said, rehabilitation may be an option, especially if he has never acted on these feelings. I have studied rehabilitating offenders and depending on the individual it may be viable.
Speak to the professionals and take it a day at a time, but if you think he is capable of acting on these feelings then please remove your daughter from the situation all together!
As a child abused victim
Also from a family member I would suggest that u try to read up as much info as u can on the first signs of acting out as a paedophile. It's alarming at the issue of erections while your child is naked that there doesn't sound right { he's trying to hide it too, so that there raises the issues that he then knows how nakedness is making him feel} you don't want to throw around accusations yet as u don't know 100% but then u also don't know for sure he hasn't already acted on it { which I'm hoping isn't the case} you should try to suss out as much as u can to get to the bottom of it to protect your daughter from
Any harm.. Untill u know for sure he doesn't have those tendencies I wouldn't leave her with him unsupervised and always keep a close eye.
Like others have mentioned it's something that's unfortunately too common that it's a close person to the victim. avoid him seeing her naked from now on until u know that he doesn't have tendencies. the person who abused me would be sly about it , he would do things like pretend to scratch my back but then his hand get touchy feely to my chest, or say he would take me for driving lessons by sitting on his lap in the car etc... Things that kids are obvlivious to situations like that, try also educating your daughter that it's never ok for people to touch her private areas and that it's okay to tell u if something makes her uncomfortable
Ask yourself this:
How would YOU FEEL IF:
Your Mum said to you when you were older:
So Hunny, there is something I need to tell you. When you were an Infant, Daddy use to get an erection when he would see you naked.
I didn't want to confront him on it, so I thought, I'll just see how it pans out.....
IMAGINE IF YOU HAD OF BEEN MOLESTED OR RAPED BY YOUR FATHER and your Mother told you this!
I cannot even believe that you are asking for advise, you have a baby that you are willing to put AT RISK for the rest of her life, what about future sibilings? Because you don't want to 'Make Accusations' are you SERIOUS?
My suggestion to you is, Grow up and be a PARENT to this little girl and leave. Or may I also suggest that you read some true stories of Children that have grown up being Molested and Raped by their Parent/s and see how they found it.
Ask yourself this:
How would YOU FEEL IF:
Your Mum said to you when you were older:
So Hunny, there is something I need to tell you. When you were an Infant, Daddy use to get an erection when he would see you naked.
I didn't want to confront him on it, so I thought, I'll just see how it pans out.....
IMAGINE IF YOU HAD OF BEEN MOLESTED OR RAPED BY YOUR FATHER and your Mother told you this!
I cannot even believe that you are asking for advise, you have a baby that you are willing to put AT RISK for the rest of her life, what about future sibilings? Because you don't want to 'Make Accusations' are you SERIOUS?
My suggestion to you is, Grow up and be a PARENT to this little girl and leave. Or may I also suggest that you read some true stories of Children that have grown up being Molested and Raped by their Parent/s and see how they found it.
My ex husband used to get an erection every time his daughter got into bed for a cuddle with him in the morning. He told me this as he was confused by it. He said she would bounce into the room and clamber on top of him , fighting for the best position with her 3 brothers, and he struggled to ensure she didnt touch this area. I think it was a combination of it being the morning and the bouncing around movement, but this was one of the contributory factors in me getting a divorce from him. He also had perverted sexual fantasies in the bedroom, although not involving children, he would fantasise about tying up a youngster and making them watch us have sex. He was a pillar of society too. he was a vicar and ran a youth group. I couldnt cope with his weirdness and needed to protect the children.