Before I met my partner, I was a single mum of three beautiful older kids (16, 12 &9) I never actually thought I could trust enough again to be in a relationship. Then I met him, we clicked straight away, spent every free moment together. Bliss. Things got rushed very quick as I found myself pregnant very early in the relationship. I had planned on having a termination and then due to a lot of reason I decided to continue with the pregnancy. Some of those reasons was because of the views of my now partner.
Things plodded along blissfully for a few months, living seperatly, really getting to know each other, sharing our joys and fears. Decided we would take the plunge and move in with each other. I put my house on the rental market, found new tenants and planned the move. However a week before the move into his place (6 months pregnant) my son was playing my partners phone and handed it too me because I message has come through. It was from his ex-wife, the mother of his children, I quickly opened it thinking it might have to do with the children. I was of the understanding that the relationship with her was strained and still quite bitter on both parties sides. I was so fucking wrong. In the weeks leading up to me finding this message, I found out he had Been going to her place to help with things around the house, sharing quite friendly text messages etc. Confused I kept scrolling... There they were, very sexual text messages exchanged between the two of them, dick pics etc. It happenes only one night from my research when he had been drinking.
Heartbroken, I confronted him. Humiliated, I allowed him to stay in my life. Loved up, I am trying to work through this with him.
My partner has told me it was a huge mistake, he loves me. He has some issues sexually because of medication and he was frustrated and was trying anything to finish the job. Clearly anything.
He said he didn't sleep with her, I believe him.
My ex-husband cheated on my constantly. Since separating from him, Ive been working really hard with my psychologist to define and determine what I deem as a healthy relationship. I thought and felt the relationship with my partner was healthy. It's not so much the sexual nature of the text messages (they kicked me in the guts) it's the lieing. I am still trying to figure out my own life sexually - are we meant to only have one partner etc. (My partner knows this, I've been monogamous relationship with him from day one, I haven't wanted to be with anyone else). But the betrayal I can't move on from. Will I be able to move on from it? A promise that I made to myself after my ex husband and I parted ways was that I would never allow myself in a relationship like that again. But here I am, seeing myself accept shitty behaviour towards our relationship and our family.
I think if I wasn't pregnant I could of pulled myself together a lot faster and found the kids and I somewhere new to live- and decided what the next move in our relationship is. But here I am living with him, replaying the text messages in my mind, everyday hoping they will be a distant memory.
I guess what I am asking is how do I move on from this? With him or without him? How do I raise my baby with someone who I love (for a lot of reasons) but can not be with for my owb well being?
7 Replies
I have no advice on what you should or shouldn't do, there's no easy or right answer, only you know this particular man, yourself and what you are capable of (forgiveness wise). What I will say is, this man is not your ex and I think you have to make your decisions going forward based on this relationship without considering old baggage from your last one. Focus on the current situation at hand and don't let old wounds sway you either way. Good luck, I really feel for you.
Excellent advice from the above poster. I don't think I could have said it better!
I agree with the first poster.
What I would do in your situation is set a time line.
Example; in 6months time if I'm still not sure I want to be with this man then I will leave. If this man is still giving me doubts, or I am unsure of my relationship, then I will leave. I will move my children to a happy place, where my soul can soar freely.
The thing I've learnt as I've gotten older, and I'm happy that I've learnt this is not to give people so many chances. When you see who they really are, believe it.
As to his excuse about medication, what medication causes you to sext your ex while you are seeing someone else? What causes you to lie to your knew partner about the quality of the relationship with the ex? Huge red flags. Please don't ignore them.
I totally agree, my husband has the same medication side effect, it does not cause him to go and seek sex elsewhere. He just deals with it. Hope you are okay xx
It's such a shame your psychologist during your counselling didn't tell you take your next relationship REALLY slow, take the time to get to know someone casually, not move in until you are absolutely sure of who he is (to protect your children and your own heart plus safety), take extra precautions to ensure you don't fall pregnant and even educate you on charming man syndrome (not saying this is the case). You could have avoided so much of this and made a decision not based on an unborn child but based on your own feelings and the welfare of the kids you already have. No advice, just sad you have found yourself in the exact same position, with the proposition of being a single mum again or settling for a man you don't trust. PLEASE continue your counselling, please get yourself well for yourself and your kids or history will repeat itself again.
Where were you the day he was sending sext messages ??
By that I mean was he trying to ask you to help him get off ?? That's where he should be ! With you .
I think the biggest red flag for me is the lie about their relationship being rocky ... he's obviously trying to cover something up . For that reason I'd assume he's groveling and making excuses because he's caught and feels bad ....
having dmsaid that though I do think people can work through this stuff . It will take a lot of will power on your part to choose over and over again to learn to trust . And it will take him realizing the damage he's caused and to continue to earn your trust back . If he can't acknowledge that he's damaged the trust and can't realize that it will take lots more f time and work to get that back then you won't get anywhere .... I found you want to make it work then I would be going to counseling together right away ! Don't wait and let it fester . I'd also be getting him to agree to strict boundaries with his ex . If he so much as crosses the line u drawer (e.g. If he must help with something at the house it is ONLY if it s for the kids and you have to be there ... OR when it's contact change over it happens publicly and maybe for a while u are present !? Or someone u trust ... all communication is to be written (so u can see it if you wish ) and u have free access to it ... stuff like that. An help it feel accountable ... obviously ah can't go away completely cos of kids but there can be boundaries . If he's serious about you he'll make it happen ... if not he'll tell you your being unreasonable or try make excuses or go behind ur back but you'll find out.... good luck mumma it's tricky