My 14 near 15 year old is having behaviour problems at high school. She is in Year 9 and has always (since daycare) been a distracted child. She has had ups and downs throughout high school so far and passes most subjects however since last term her behaviour towards teachers has been horrendous.
I separated from her father 2 years ago and that has been a difficult battle for her. I do everything I can to be a supportive co-parent as the fighting and arguing took a toll and I understood what that did to her.
Most recently (last term) her father kicked her out (as she kindly told him she was sick of the way he treated women) and then he moved to Perth, without saying goodbye. This destroyed her. Because of "aggressive mannerism" her father had spoken to her with I found since his departure she struggles to take any type of authority from males that are in her life. Teachers are becoming beyond frustrated and the school does help wherever they can and they do offer additional support for us both. But I understand there is only so much they can do. 80% of her teachers are males, something she hasn't had before. An the increase in school incidents (23 incidents since the start of the year) and all but 3 are with the male teachers. The other 3 with female teachers were out of classroom incidents. She has been suspended for her disruptive behaviour already last term.
Can anyone give advice on ways I can help her? The school offered to swap teachers to maybe balance the male and female ratio to see if that helps. Any suggestions to things I can do from home? Communication tools between myself and the school or ways to monitor and offer her the support she may need. She is an intelligent
child, very strong headed and a very caring and loving person. It breaks my heart that I feel she is struggling, and if there is anyway I can help her more so I want to try. At home she is well behaved and mostly sincere and shows no sign of the aggressive behaviour and or bad language.
Thanks IM!!
6 Replies
I don't think swapping teachers to balance out the ratio is worth it, because in real life once school is over where she has to work and earn for herself, there will be a lot of males being in authority or taking charge. Does she see a psychologist for her behaviour? Is there a reason that she behaves this way towards males? It seems like she may have something holding her back (not suggesting abuse as such, but something doesn't sound right).
Thanks for your reply :) I agree with the swapping teachers as it doesn't allow for her to develop the skills needed. She has seen a psychologist for approx 2 years (private and also at school)
She says in these sessions nothing is wrong with the teachers except in her words "they remind me of how my dad talks to me" and with her dad recently leaving and kicking hr out I think that is the leading cause of the behaviour. She refuses to return her dads call (he has been away for approx 2 months now)
Thanks for the further info! That's great she's seeing a psychologist, and good on you for wanting to help her out! I could understand that it would be contributing to the behaviour, if it reminds her of her dad and she is having such negative feelings towards him she wouldn't be liking the teachers telling her what to do. It would be a constant reminder to her.
Is school for her? Some people just aren't suited to school and whilst very bright, they may just not want to be there at the end of the day. Maybe have a chat to her and see how she is feeling, maybe even look into some VCAL programs that are hands on for her to do on specific days so it isn't always school, school authoritative type stuff (still there's teachers in VCAL but it's a lot more independent).
Time to get a full work up. Time for GP referral to mental health services like a psychologist and also peadiatrician to rule out any underlying missed disorders too. So often girls miss being diagnosed because they present differently to boys. She might not qualify for any diagnosis but getting these things ruled out is super important.
Definitely getting some on going support in the form of a psychologist would be my starting point.
It's one of those things you can talk about until you're blue in the face and until it clicks in her mind, won't make a lick of difference. She has to understand that as a kid (yes she is, maybe don't call her one but we all know she's still a kid) she's still learning and that involves being told. Told to do stuff, told when to do stuff, told how to do stuff. Add peer pressure and it becomes harder to change the behaviour. It'll sink in eventually. Maybe in the meantime you and the school look at tips and tricks that work for ODD kids, in particular changing how the teachers interact with her.
What about doing distance ed for a term or 2, give her time to process all the trauma whilst also accessing intensive family support/counselling?
Once she's feeling better, then start again. Either at a new school or transitioning slowly back into same school