About 2 mths ago I wrote in about a friend who was going back to a guy who has abused her. Its not physical yet but I'm sure it will soon. Even after him going to court for previous attacks on her home and her going to the police for other things he's done. Let's call her Betty.
Well she broke it off again and I was very pleased for her as she seemed very strong and sure.
So in March on an extremely hot day myself and my girl, betty, her daughter and another friend and daughter all went to the pool for a swim and a BBQ. Guess who showed up?? I told her how I felt and all she could say was I love him and I said love doesn't hurt you or thrown rocks through the windows. 4 days later it's over again...........she told me that he kept calling but she never talked just short answers. She even told me he came over the day before her birthday to tell her he got his motorcycle L's but she was on the phone to centerlink for 3 hrs so ignored him.
2 weeks ago I was told by another friend that it's back on again. She has gone out of her way not to tell me or her parents because we all know he is an asshat. As i live 2 houses away and have to walk past her house I saw his bike before they had the chance to put it in the carport which is what the other friend said they wanted to do to hide it. I also asked her to come with us to a large fair near by on the sat but she said she can't come as her back pain is bad. That day at school her daughter is telling people how on sat they're off to fasta pasta with the asshat.
Yesterday on fb she hid pics of him and her in a pile of pics of her daughter that she posted and today someone made a comment about she doesn't look happy with him. she says how happy she is because he's the only one helping her with the pain she is in. (Yes she does have chronic pain) she hasn't asked anyone for help. Myself and our other mum friend from school have told her that all she has to do is ask and we will help. This is what he does. The last time her car broke down and he convinced her that she can't take her daughter to school or do shopping or do anything without a car so she gave in.
I am absolutely pissed off that
1. she is lying about him to myself and to her family and
2. saying that no one is helping her but him. Implying that no one else gives a shit about her.
So for me that's really it. I'm done. I've stuck my head out and gone to the police with her, talked and listened when she cried, taken her daughter to school when she needed it (and i dont drive its all buses for me) and she thinks I'm so stupid that I wont know. I'm not saying a word about it till she brings it up to me herself and i will let her know that I don't have friends who lie to me and try and play me for a fool. I am a very loyal friend who will cut an asshat if needed. Jks but you get the drift. I am a true friend and now I feel betrayed.
Thanks for listening IM's I needed that.
2 Replies
Without meaning to sound horrible, I probably wouldn't want you knowing either. It sounds like physically you've been there to support her all along but not without it being a hassle to you. She probably feels like she can no longer approach you because you are all cut-throat get rid of him and constantly bagging him out/saying it how it is. Which may be true but she also probably doesn't want to hear that.
At the end of the day it sounds like you are both quite different people and for the friendship to work, you just have to be understanding of her situation and when it finally all blows up for good, will you be there for her even if it's in 5 years time and you haven't heard from her since? If not, it's better to just "end" the friendship.
I had a friend in a very similar situation, I despised the guy immensely and she knew it as I made my opinions clear (one time only though! She didn't need the negativity with everything else!) and we didn't have a whole heap of contact over the time she was with him. There'd be the occasional hey how are and that was it. 2 years afterwards it ended and she came back to me and we just left off where it ended (before he was in the picture). We never mentioned what she went through with him or why we didn't make contact with each other in that time as it was obvious. You just have to decide if you're prepared to do that or not - I have also done this with another friend for another reason and have just ceased all contact/deleted off Facebook. She got the memo!
She's not betraying you, it isn't personal, she is in the grips of the DV cycle. She isn't playing you for a fool, she is hiding it because she is ashamed and knows what people will say. When it comes to friends, it's not a score chart of points, tallying everything you have done for her, friendship is unconditional support. It is frustrating as hell, but if you wipe her, abuse her for betraying her, you will further isolate and push her further to him. Stop thinking this is about you, because it's not!