I currently live on one side of Melbourne with my 4 year old son and my ex lives on the other. We've been separated since he was only 4 months old. His Dad has care every second weekend and one night during the week. I've encouraged him to take more time with our son however as he was setting up own business couldn't manage it and same goes for holidays etc.
We both work full time.
Recently his Dad has decided that our son will live at his house and go to school near his house and our roles are reversed so I now I get weekends and one night during the week.
Just wondering is this even possible? Or peoples opinions on this?
Change in care arrangements
Change in care arrangements
Posted in:
Kids
26 Replies
Dad doesn't get to decide. You either mutually agree on a care plan or the court decides. Don't think for a second that his opinion has any bearing on the reality of what will happen.
Maybe look around for a good family lawyer, just in case.
No fucking way. Good on him what an asshole. Do not do it let him take it to mediation and explain why he thinks this would be good for the child. If hes ready to step up he might get more time but sounds like he cant coparent and do half but thinks he could do it all.
Is there any possibility you could find a school that is in the middle for him so that he can do one week at yours, one week at dads? It's good that his dad wants to show an interest now and have him more, you come across so many situations where dad has no interest. I'd be embracing it and hoping to mediate a solution out of the courts.
Thats not at all what the dads asking for. Totally different. What he wants is not good at all dont be so simple this mum does not need to go out of her way 19 drop offs a fortnight for the dads one.
The dad is asking for him to have the the son more often.. it's not being simple! It's his child too whether you like the idea of it or not. Mediate a solution so that both parties are happy.
How do you know what the dad's real intentions are or what he "wants" ?
She said it very clearly, he doesnt want him more, hes been offered and refused. Hes not working on coparenting and sharing. What he suddenly wants though is to reverse the small amount of time hes chosen so thats all the mum gets, completely different.
and praising him on his lame effort because theres shittier people out there is insulting. The mother does not need to do backflips because the dads suddenly shown a speck of (unhealthy) interest in having his kid after 4 years, all hes done so far is talk, let him walk the walk the right way for a while before changing anything.
I think your suggestion on finding a school in the middle and child spending 1 week at dads and 1 week at mums a great idea and not 'simple' at all. To the im, is this something you could bring to the table? Of course don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with, and don't let you ex bully you. But imo if both parents are fit parents and it's doable then 50/50 all the way.
Its simplified because 50/50 is the standard solution. But it doesnt always work and the mother isnt the one that needs to make it happen.
what happens from here is that if he wants 50/50 he needs to increase his time and build up slowly to it, thats totally on him to do. OP said hes not doing that.
You dont throw a child into 50/50 and make school choices that make life even harder for a single mother and child based only on a mans empty words.
There is no indication of ill-intended motives. He wants more care of the child. The OP clearly stated that the dad didn't want him more often due to beginning a business venture, maybe now all the hype has settled down he has time to devote to his child. Sounds normal to me :-)
A parent saying if they have custody they would only give the other parent 2 and a half days a fortnight seems ill intentioned to me. Its been four years and all the child knows. Hopefully he does have time to see his son more now and will work on coparenting. Time will tell.
Just remember you are only reading a very small snippet of this women's life. I personally find the information given very limited. Maybe she wants dad to play a more active role in his life, maybe the communication between the parents is limited and not clear. Just keep.that in mind.
The history speaks for itself. She explained the current arrangement very clearly. Keep that in mind when you advise she should find a school halfway across Melbourne.
Your hostility is not helpful. If you don't agree with someone's opinion, move on. It's not helpful.
Theres no hostility Im just still explaining why its simple as you said you missed a lot of whats happening in this OPs situation and still dont seem to get it.
I'm the OP of this comment you're commenting on and there's a few conversations/arguments going on it seems as I have only replied once. I never said I missed a lot of what is happening in the OPs situation, however YOU don't know the full story as there's always two sides. I agree with the above poster that you are being hostile, no need to sit behind a computer arguing your point against ours - it isn't helpful AT ALL to the OP. It's just being argumentative. If you want to offer her some advice, feel free to post on a separate comment :)
I have :)
Yet it's ok for Dad to only have that amount of time
No its not ok, mum knows that shes pushed him for more but dad chose it for himself! You cant make him dad properly, But he does not get to choose it or enforce it on anybody else!! its dad that thinks its fine, and thats the whole problem. Who would want to do this? Yet he wants to do it suddenly taking the little boy from his primary carer...
Why the sudden change ?? It's a bit odd that all of a sudden there's a switch. I'm not sure what his plans are with fulltime, who will be there to collect son? Is he changing work hours to suit school hours?
Or my current concern reading your question, is his business failing? Is his plan to stay at home whilst collecting single parent pension and child support...?
I'd question his motives and his quick change of plans. Something doesn't add up.
Yes, I thought the exact same thing!
Just to help clarify, his dad was only happy with Friday to Sunday early afternoon every second weekend and this was only occasionally up until he was two. After that I encouraged extra time and he then chose Wednesday nights. I keep telling him to have more including Sunday nights but he said he can do it. I have been away interstate for work and he is not interested in stepping in for the week so my mum does. I Ve tried to talk to him about schools and informed him of the open day etc but didn't come. I work full time in 4 days so I can have the extra time with our son.
Now he just notified me that he wants to reverse rolls and our son goes to live at his house and go to school there.
Hope that clarifies.
Goes from little interest to wanting FULL CUSTODY, what a dick! How would your child feel about this? I know it would wreak havoc on my children, they would probably just refuse and the fact he wants to go from every second weekend to full time without any consideration of your child's psychological welfare shows me he doesn't have your son's best interests at heart. He would probably only last a couple of weeks before the reality would set in on what is actually involved. I would ignore it until HE took formal steps to make it happen, like organising mediation, see if he actually gets off his arse to make it happen. If it went to court, there is no way he would get it and 50/50 is not an option if you love faraway from each other, I would just wait it out and see what his next move is.
He doesn't get to "decide" just like you dont either, you have to come to a mutual agreement. I would be getting legal advice
Are the current arrangements lodge with the courts? If not, I'd be careful with visitation until this is sorted as he can legally refuse to return the child to your care.
Secondly, what do you think will best for your son? Would he be better with a school in the middle and slowly working up to 50/50? (Over several months, not all of a sudden). Neither adult gets to "decide" on their own. It's a joint decision.
I'd prepare a couple of options that you think would suit your child. If you haven't already got court orders, get moving on mediation straight away. If you do have orders, wait for him to get his stuff together and take you to mediation.
The intention (from the courts anyway) is the BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD) to hell with what mum & dad want, the kid is only 4 and needs a stable home environment. It doesn't matter which gender adult provides this but since it's been the mum in this case I see the change of home unnecessarily unsettling and therefore NOT in his best interests. I know it's unfair on both parents, mum has all the work and dad doesn't get to see his son as much as he'd want to but that's tough - the child has the right to a meaningful relationship with both parents (assuming that ensures the child's safety) most importantly though,the child's needs should be first priority. I can't stand my ex, he tried the same thing at one stage too but my kids would have no idea. He is invited and comes to birthday parties at our house, I always speak kindly of their father (as does he of me) - hell, I have been texting with the woman who he had an affair with while I was pregnant. They are still together and as I see it, my kids get to make any judgements & have any opinions they want to about us all when they're older but they're only 6 (twins) so for now I need to let them have their childhood free from adult shit! Their dad is allowed to see them whenever we can (standard hours same as op) but if he's up for the drive (opposite sides of the city too) or we are (if the boys want to - we'll drive them) we work out a way to make it happen! Kids first always!
If you want help you can get free legal help from your local community legal service in most instances. Or Victoria Legal Aid if you pass the means test. You don't have to agree to this request. You can get help also to go through mediation (which is I believe what you have to do if you want to make something official through the court) through Family relationship centres are across the state. Or Relationships Australia can help.