Sisters.. I'm in desperate need of help! Sorry for the long post, but please no judgement. So short back story - 7 months ago I moved out of my home due to emotional abuse from my husband. I left with my two children and nothing else except my chest of drawers and started again. For the last 7 months he has always complained that he won't afford the mortgage and I have given other options, getting in a flat mate, selling the house, even me moving back in! Nothing took. So I decided that I would continue to pay HIS bills, plus my own rent and bills so he could put all his money towards the mortgage so we didn't fall behind. Skip forward to now, a couple of weeks ago we got a letter saying that he is in arrears with the mortgage and the account is now with the lawyers and the bank is about to take the house if we don't do something about it. I have been tossing up plans with the lawyers, including selling or moving back in. We can't sell at the moment because he has kept the house in a feral state and it will take me a while to get it ready for sale. So the only other option I have is to move back in with his abuse - on my terms, to put more money towards the arrears of the mortgage. I literally do not have one cent while I'm renting and paying bills and caring for my children to be able to pay the arrears. I have had advice to just go bankrupt etc, I will not have that! My parents went bankrupt when I was a child and I will not put my children through that. People keep saying to me - I need to see a lawyer and speak to someone about it. He has lost the plot and will not help me make any decisions because he simply doesn't care. His personality type means he just blames me for walking out and leaving him with all the bills etc etc. my question is.. does anyone know of any free legal that can help me?! He will not sign a parenting agreement, he will not sign documents to sell the house etc. It has been a battle the last 6 months trying to get him to sell the house, trying to clean the house etc.. I'm a breaking point. I have no money to do anything and there are a lot of other factors going on in my life at the moment and I'm just lost. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown and if I don't do something soon, I'll lose everything. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel.. I'm trying to stay positive for my children, but I feel that I'm failing! Please help - any advice would be amazing. Thank you!
Desperately need help! Please!
Desperately need help! Please!
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Health & Wellbeing, Behaviour, Money
9 Replies
Speak to a solicitor, some of them won't charge a cent unti, your house sells :)
Do NOT move back in with the abuser!!!!
Can you try and contact legal aid to get some advice. I dont think moving back in with your abuser is going to very good. Also i would stop paying his bills.
1. Stop paying your ex-husband anything right now!
2. Do not move back in
3. Stop hiding your ex's bad behaviour and trying to make up for his short comings. Remind yourself daily - his behaviour is not a reflection of you. Paying his bills and cleaning up his mess included.
4. Start asking friends and family for help. Tell them what's going on. The people in your corner generally will step up if asked. IMO They don't like to offer in case it's seen as interfering - especially with ex's. Once they know how hard you are doing it I think you'll find your team will get stronger.
3. Go and see a solicitor. Use the $ you would have given the ex to pay for this. Get your 'ducks in a row'. Since you separated you have contributed $ to his household - to make sure the mortgage was paid. Get a letter stating your contributions, the date of your separation, etc. Get the solicitor's advice on how to get your ex out of the house. In my experience, getting an owner evicted is very hard. You may have to clean up around him.
4. Go and see your bank. Take the solicitor's statement of all the money you've given your husband for bills since you separated as your contribution to the mortgage. Explain the situation. They can be very helpful and depending on your equity can give you a payment plan towards a time frame to sell the house - they get their money at the sale time. Do not ignore the bank's letters. Do not waste time asking your ex to attend with you - just go. The bank will keep records that you were proactive and communicated when you look for credit in the future. The bank can force your ex to sign the sale papers.
If the bank sets repossession in motion - it may be able to evict him - but telling him and actually seeing his backside out of there are two very different things and could take another 12 months while you fall further into debt with the bank.
5. Talk to a real estate agent. Depending how bad the house/yard is maybe you can list as a 'bargain' still sell and take the loss in return as just that, A loss that in the end is worth it to get out of this period of life. Obviously this will depend on the equity you've got and how much the mess will effect the sale price.
Good luck. You can do this - your post tells me you have yourself together and you just need a team in your corner. xx
Excellent advice!!
Do not go back!!! It wont be on yourterms at all. This is what they do, make things so bad that its easier with them. Thr mistake you made was not separating from him fully and keeping your finances tangled. You need to separate everything so he sinks alone . Let the house go do not move back in it is NOT WORTH IT!!!
Move forward, separate yourself from him in every way and keep moving forward.
Don't move back in!
Seriously, I would go bankrupt. I've been through it, none of the kids actually need to know any of the details or that you've even done it. It's a 3yr term now and then you get to restart.
My parents went through severe financial pressures when I was a child and they didn't project any of that onto me or my siblings. We found out when we were older.
Check out women's legal service, Legal aid and/or community legal centre depending on the state you live in. Some means tested, some may not be. Just find the numbers and call to ask. Yes call Bank ASAP. Many things possible. I'm really sorry you are going through this. You need more support. It is totally shit. Sadly too many women face this kind of abuse and a whole lot of money mess. You can get through it. Be gentle with yourself, ask for help, seek counselling (even through telephone counselling service if it is hard to make appointments at the moment) and know that you have birthed and raised babies, you have incredible power and it will start to get better slowly once you knock this shit over! Here's to you! All blessings and power your way!
1. STOP PAYING HIS BILLS. It's just another way he is controlling you, the same with refusing to sign parenting orders and sell the house.
3. Call the bank and explain the situation. They can put the house into a "hardship" setting that will stop the repossession, and sort out payment terms.
3. Speak to the police. Get their advice on whether you can have the ex removed from the property. Not sure if you can as you left, but worth speaking to them. Speak to the domestic abuse team, not just whoever is on the desk.
4. Seek legal aid. Get them to help you get appropriate paper work for parenting plan, selling house etc.
5. Book into Mediation - you have to go through mediation before court. Take legal representation or emotional back up with you. If he doesn't turn up, you get a signed form from the mediator. 3 strikes (which also include being uncooperative or refusing to be reasonable or not trying to compromise) and you go to court. Magistrates look very poorly on this type of behavior.
Find a Solicitor and get them to draw up and lodge an Initiating Application for both parenting and property matters - if he won't do it, do it yourself.
See if you are able to apply for Legal Aid, if you are not able to get Legal Aid see if you can find a Solicitor who will take your matter on a deferred payment basis - essentially that means they will not bill you until the finalisation of your matter and settlement of the matrimonial property side of things - and if you are lucky, they may even let you make weekly payments during the course of your matter. Any good Solicitor will give you a rough estimate of how much it will cost to run your matter giving a best case and a worst case scenario and give you updates on your fees as you go.
Keep records of everything, how much you put towards the mortgage, how much you pay on his bills, loans, getting the house back up to scratch etc etc - every $ you put into the combined matrimonial asset pool will be taken into account. Round up any and all financial documents you can find and get you hands on - superannuation documents, mortgage statements, bank statements (credit and savings) payslips, council rate accounts, water rate accounts, car loans etc - pretty much anything you can think of. If you got to a Solicitor you will be asked to supply them
Sounds like he is attempting to get you to give and go back by letting things get so bad you feel like you have no other choice - don't fall for this. If he has been emotionally abusive towards you and is blaming you for everything because you left, this is just another way of him getting you not to leave.
If he won't make the decisions or do things that need to be done, do them yourself - He is not doing it because it is his way of getting you to come back to do it for him. If you go back, he wins and you will going back to the same thing you left - trust me on that one.
You can do this :) You know you can - be strong, say no, take charge - You go girl :) xxxx