Please be nice...... My sister is getting married next year and she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I told her I would get back to her because I don't know if I can commit to everything she wants us to do. She was completely fine with that. 2 days later my Mum told her that I would be a bridesmaid. That pissed me off and I only found out after my sister called me to start getting things organised. Long story short after a massive family argument I agreed to be a bridesmaid. Now before anyone rips my head off, I have social anxiety. I don't do well in crowds and I especially do not so well standing up in front of a lot of people. She has invited over 200 people! On top of that I have 5 kids, my husband is in the Air Force and I am doing my Masters Degree. I fully support my sister and my brother-in-law getting married. He is a wonderful guy and she is happy. But being a bridesmaid in her wedding is giving me panic attacks. I am not a girly-girl. I find clothes shopping incredibly frustrating, I don't wear make up, I own 2 pairs of shoes and I only bought my first handbag at age 24. My sister and I are complete opposites in tastes. She wants to spend 2 DAYS clothes shopping for bridesmaids dresses and she wants to go an hour away to a shop that we have locally, but because there is one in the city she wants to go there. I'm the only one with kids, I do not have a baby sitter for 2 days. She has booked us (me and the other bridesmaids) into a beauty spa and to get waxed and spray tanned a couple of days before the wedding. Without asking us. She is paying for it all so its not a money issue. I have a massive scar down one of my legs from a car accident years ago that cannot be waxed and I cannot get a spray tan because the colour will not sit right. She doesn't listen. Being a Beauty Therapist she should know this. She also wants us to wear knee length dresses. I am very self conscious about my scar. I do not show my legs, ever. Even when swimming, I wear swimming pants in the water. It took 2 years for me to feel comfortable to show my husband my scar, let alone 200 plus people. I know it is her wedding and she can do whatever she wants, but when I got married I took my bridesmaids concerns into account. I'm going to tell her that I cannot be a bridesmaid. I know it will hurt her feelings but I just cant to this. I've asked her if we could have long, free flowing dresses so I don't have to show my scar, but she flatly refuses to even consider why I have asked this. The other bridesmaids have said they are fine with wearing long dresses and have tried talking to her, but no. I would deal with the clothes shopping, the make up trials, the hair trials, and all the other things I hate doing because she is my sister and its her wedding, but the dress is the deal breaker. I still freak out when my husband walks in when I'm getting dressed. How do I deal with this?
Walking away from being a Bridesmaid in Sister's Wedding
Walking away from being a Bridesmaid in Sister's Wedding
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
5 Replies
Just tell her that you love her, you are so thrilled for her and her fiancée but you are unable to be part of the bridal party. Offer to do a reading (if you feel able) or find some other way to include yourself in the day that shows you want to be part of her day but at a level you are comfortable with...
That's a really good idea. I hadn't thought of that. Thankyou
That's what I would do to. Honestly she sounds like a high maintenance bride, throw in the family dynamic and I'd be wanting out too.
Sometimes difficult people (like your sister) do better when you Put things in a way that you'd be ruining her experience by being her bridesmaid.
I second this, you poor thing, I know what it's like to be self conscious, it sux. Do something special without being a part of the bridal party, something thoughtful and sincere xxxx Good luck ❤️
She wants to do what she wants to do, and unfortunately that's not thinking about you. I wouldn't bail out but I'd be making myself heard. If you think you can handle the short time standing at the front while everyone else is looking at the bride anyway, well this is what I'd do:
Shopping, she and her friends would be looking forward to this. Tell her you'll wear what she picks, either tell her the size if you're an off-the-rack size or try on the dress at your local store after they've chosen the style. Or give them the first day to shop and join in for fittings on the second day. Ditto for shoes and accessories. When she asks why remind her how much of a bummer you are in public, "don't want to ruin your fun Sis".
Spa day, same for shopping they'd be looking forward to this. I personally despise waxing and it takes me two years to forget how bad the last brow wax hurt before I'm stupid enough to line up for it again. If waxing doesn't faze you just tell them to leave the area around your scar alone and you take care of it how you take care of it. If waxing does faze you swap it for a facial or exfoliation, just be there for her and be included. For the spray tan, I'd just get it everywhere but your legs.
Now for the crux of it, you don't have to show your scar so what does cover it? Expertly applied make-up? Will pantyhose cover it well enough, like good quality thick denier department store pantyhose? If not nude coloured leggings could be a compromise?
I see a lot of I, I, I. I am the one with kids, I'm not a girly-girl, I don't like shopping, I can't get waxed, I can't get a spray tan. She's getting married, if you're going to be a part of it there will have to be some her, her, her too. If you give her a lot of her, her, her and she won't allow for compromise (and I don't mean changing her style of dress for you, I mean flat out saying you can't wear pantyhose instead of getting a spray tan) then I'd consider leaving her to it. But I'd be doing everything I could to be reasonable and mildly accommodating to hold onto having a relationship with her because if you think pulling out of it isn't going to damage what you have I fear you're very wrong.