In 2011 my parents separated - mum left dad and he didn't see it coming. There was a lot of emotion at the time but everyone has moved on now and both have new partners. Dad lives in Queensland and Mum lives in Melbourne - she moved down to be closer to me. I had my first child in January this year and Dad has been to visit once with another visit planned for Easter.
I am planning to head up to Queensland at the end of May to introduce my daughter to her great-grandfather. I'm very close with a cousin (on my father's side) and have timed my visit with when she will also be over from New Zealand. She is in Australia for a family holiday and a wedding on her husband's side. To help them out they are bringing her mum to look after her kids during the wedding. I thought it would be a big help to me to have my mum come up and help out as my husband can't take time off work.
Unfortunately my Dad doesn't see it this way. He thinks she is gate-crashing my visit and that her coming to Queensland will exclude his new partner of one year. He was quite rude about my mum when I spoke to him, telling me he didn't trust her and she would try to attend family meetups and that Queensland is his town and she's not welcome. He believes that she walked out on him so she left the family and doesn't have a right to be friends with his sister or her daughter (my cousin who is visiting). The only family event she has attended since the split has been a cousin's wedding and neither of them had a partner at the time. They were on good terms at this time. She didn't attend another cousin's wedding despite being her godmother and being close (this was soon after the separation and she didn't want to cause issues).
As far as I'm concerned, they are still her family even though she isn't married to my Dad. I feel like he is making this about himself and his partner when it should be about my daughter meeting her great-grandfather, her great aunt, my cousin and her kids. His idea of family meeting up seems to be everyone all together for events like we did when we were younger - but I have said we can all see each other without doing this. I can understand that it would be awkward if his new partner were to meet his sister with my mum there (since my mum and aunt are very close), but I don't think that we all need to visit together at the same time and that my mum being there with me will affect this. She has plenty of friends in Queensland and doesn't need to spend the whole visit with me or my aunt - I just want some help with my baby. I don't feel like I need to be making arrangements to make sure his girlfriend is comfortable at family events by excluding my mother and I feel that Dad is being unreasonable and is crossing the line. How do I help him understand and accept my point of view? Or am I the one being unreasonable and need to do this differently?
Side note: When I got married a few years ago neither parent had a partner and I said there would be no partners invited to the wedding to avoid conflict. Dad then started a relationship and wanted to bring his girlfriend. I said no. He still brought her to Melbourne and involved her in all other family events. There was an extended family dinner the night before (I was with my bridesmaids) and my mum was excluded because he wanted to introduce his then girlfriend to his family. I found out later that Mum spent the night before my wedding alone as she doesn't have a large family herself.
7 Replies
I see where he is coming from, when a spouse up and leaves you, the bitterness can't be explained unless you have endured it. Your mother would know the whole family really well and the new spouse won't, so it will make it intimidating and uncomfortable for the new partner. The last thing I would want, if having a wonderful family get together with my daughter, my ex spouse who left me being there. He wants to introduce his new partner and having the ex there would kind of ruin it. It's hard to explain, but I get what he is saying.
He lives in a different state he cant do much more than that. Dont take her there on a holiday. Simple. I have family do this to me with people I dont want to see its bloody horrendous. Youre making it about you. You live with her and are visiting him. Just dont take her there. Simple.
Also it sounds like you have a bit of new mother syndrome. You say its actually all about your daughter. Shes a few montha old and will have no idea.
The cousin is bringing her mum for help, next minute you need to do that.
Be realistic, its a weekend youll manage there will be lots of people around it will go in flash.
if you keep your mother with you all the time you push others away. Give him and his girlfriend a chance. Having a baby doesnt mean you get to dictate what goes to everybody else, especially your own parents relationship.
Take out all of the family drama and I still wouldn't take your mum. She lives with you and sees the baby all of the time - your dad doesn't. If you need help then rely on your dad and family that you're visiting in Queensland
I've been there. As a child, the ex and the new partner.
Take your mum. Your mum is doing you a favour and just explain to your mum that dad wants to introduce new partner to family. And if she could please arrange time with friends during this time, and family will happen when dad's not around.
Your all adults. Personally, if a new partner can't accept there was a life and connections before she existed in the picture, then she doesn't deserve to be in th picture. Shouldn't matter who's there or not. She's either in it for the long haul and will make connections and relationships or she is in it for the short time meaning superficial relationships and connections and the feeling of intimidations.
I personally would be leaving mum behind or arranging for her to stay well away from the family. It'd be very intimidating for the new partner to have to "compete" with your mum when she meets your extended family. Let your dad have his time with your daughter without your mum being around. There will be plenty of people there to help you out with bubs so I think that's a bit of an excuse to take her.
Save yourself the drama and don't take your Mum. There is obvious bad blood for whatever reason and regardless of whether it is warranted or completely petty, I'd be steering my ship well away from it and trying to make the experience as pleasant as possible. The new partner is family too now and I can 100% understand how she would feel having her partners ex and sister there like old times, best of friends. It's very hard to make yourself a part of something like that when the past still lingers. You Dad bringing his girlfriend along despite being asked not to was a dick move, no doubt but it's in the past and you don't have to repeat it. Best of luck xx
If you can't go interstate to your dad's side of the family without your mum, you really need to put your big girl panties on ffs. To answer your question, yes you're being unreasonable. Maybe move to Western Australia and try to learn how to be an adult and stand on your own two feet with your baby.