Sorry for the novel but i need to get this out.
My family hates me. I have no friends and i am recently diagnosed with severe social anxiety. I do have a loving partner and beautiful kids who love me, although im not sure why. Growing up it was just my sister, mum and me, our dad left when we were both quite young and we havent heard from him since. My sister and i are complete opposites, she is the good girl who has her life together, just had her fist baby, owns her house with her partner and deals with her emotions appropriately. Im not, i was abused (sexually) as a child and never coped with my fathers departure. I am also mentally ill and tried suicide several times throughout my teenage years. I also got into drugs before having children (been clean 10+ years now). I was pregnant at 15 and worked really hard to put myself back together so i could be a good mum to my baby. Fast forward 12 years and i now have 4 children, i rent a beautiful home with my partner. My dad is still non existant. My mother despises me and is only in contact with me so she can see her grandchildren. She visits my sister every week but wont even come see me one day a year for my birthday, if i want to see her i have to go to ber house. I cant make friends because im scared of everybody, i am medicated for anxiety and seeing a phsycologist, seeking help was a big step for me, i had to sit alone with a stranger and tell them my deepest feelings, normally im the sort of person that has a panic attack over small talk about the weather so this was huge for me, i did it for my kids and partner, its not fair on them that i am like this and i want to be a better partner/mother for them but im so scared and feel so alone. My partner is a rock and very supportive but he doesnt understand my mind and i know it hurts him. My children suffer too they dont understand why they cant have friends over or why their mum is a complete fruit cake.
I know i am a survivor, everybody keeps telling me but i dont want to survive anymore, i want to live. I dont want tofight anymore i just want to be normal like everybody else and i want my kids to grow up proud of their mum, not ashamed. I want my partner to have the wonderful woman he deserves.
i dont even know if i have a question or if im just venting. I hope this makes sense and if you have made it this far, i am very thankful for you taking the time out of your day.
Anxiety and family vent
Anxiety and family vent
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
3 Replies
Hang in there. Things can get better with the help of your psychologist. Some days will be harder than others, but working through will be worth it in the end.
Bah family! A scourge on society for some of us. I wasn't so fortunate in that our father stuck around. Abusive piece of shit he was. Plus add sexual abuse from other family (which was known and largely ignored BTW), completely isolated from anyone who might have helped and surrounded by many that did not. By the time I left home I was an absolute mess and shaping up to destroy myself.
Like you though, I fell pregnant early. Not as early as you, I was 19 but he too got me to clean my shit up and his dad is still my rock to this day. He met my father, he knows what a shitcunt he is and has never liked him, I was in my early 30's before I broke and told him all of it. I was so ashamed, I'd been shamed my whole life because of it, I was filthy and I expected him to pack up our son and go. But he didn't, and I realised then that everything they did to me then doesn't define me. Everything I endured could have made me a bad person but it didn't. I am the person I am today in spite of where I came from and I get the feeling you are too. That's more than surviving right there.
Stop comparing yourself to your sister. You are two completely different people and you're both living different lives. You can't compare apples and oranges and the trying drives a big wedge between you. If she's good to you, and you can get out of the habit of comparing yourself to her then great. She can be a great ally. For your mother, cut it loose. Sometimes you just have to. You'll grieve, fuck, trust me you'll grieve. But you'll grieve what it could have been, not what it was that you've removed from your life. That kind of toxicity isn't bringing value to your children either, save them the heartache later of a judgemental grandmother turning on them too.
You're already taking steps, bravery without even knowing it! See how you go with your Psychologist and do what they say, I'm sorry but the fight isn't over, you won't want to do some of what they say to do but do it anyway. When your sessions are over, keep doing what they say, you don't get to stop but it gets easier. Be open to see a Psychiatrist if you feel you need to. I didn't have to but my best friend did. She took longer to get her shit together because she needed more help and didn't know it.
Your partner can't understand your mind but you'll work out a system. Ours is, he is just there. Always. When I have stuff going on to work through I put in my headphones and they all just leave me be for however long it takes. If I cry, they check I'm okay and they leave me be. I work through it and they are still there, when I come back there's warm arms waiting, you sound like you have that too. Winning.
I suck with people, oh man but I sucked so much worse! I got a job at a factory out of necessity and went 2 years without saying any more than hello to anyone, and that only the people I had to - stores to get supplies, laundry lady to get my uniform etc. Slowly slowly I spoke to the woman I worked beside, then the guy near us, then a lady I'd swap with when my job got boring, then a supervisor, then I got moved around to other jobs and began to speak to those people... I still suffer with sucking with people haha but I'm a senior manager while I suck at it! Everyone knows my quirks and they work with me, they don't know why but they know I work hard and appreciate the opportunity to be more than I was. The young fellow under me takes all of the visitors to see the product. I hate phones so the sales guys email me. The boss gave me a little speaker for my desk to bluetooth my ipod to so I can have music. He rarely calls me by name, calls out "hey Slipknot, you got a minute" - not sure why as I don't listen to Slipknot. Point is don't give up, it's always a fight but fight for what matters and know you will come across people in your journey who will inadvertently fight with you and not even know it.
I'd say start little. Is there something you like? Join an anonymous forum where you can interact with others on your terms, when it's too much you can just type, "sorry something's come up, be back later" and give yourself a break. If it's interacting with the parents rather than the kids for play dates, get your partner to pick them up and bring them home to your place. Kids amuse themselves any way so start with one kid for one hour with your partner there and see how you go. You're less of a fruit-cake than you think and I think you'll be fine, it'll just take some tough decisions and a little more fighting.
Great reply ?
And good on you for finding your way