Ladies how do I tackle this. Without writing war and peace there has been many issues with visits and her dad well before I left. We do supervised visits at a public place. These aren't going well and he's emotionally abusing her along with other things. I hear some and some she discloses later.
I'm not writing about visits what I'm unsure of is she's refusing to speak to him on the designated call days.
The latest call her response was nah I don't want to talk to daddy just hang up. Hadn't answered call. Missed it and was about to message to say all good (was like 5 minutes late) she goes no mummy did you just hang up? So I didn't bother texting as she'd started to cry.
How do I go about this? I don't want to force her to do things but I don't want to be accused of not letting her do calls. For all previous ones she doesn't talk and says I don't want to talk bye bye and hangs up. But sometimes he refuses to even do that.
So much has happened and there was a particular time things have gone down hill even more. She's pulled back at visits and phone calls of her own doing.
There are no court orders in place.
What do I do? Am I meant to force her to speak or tell him no? She's was so distressed with the last phone call that was meant to happen.
8 Replies
Get legal advice! Google a women's legal service and make an appointment to speak to them.
Some of this will depend on the age of the child, some will depend on how bad the abuse is etc.
This really should be answered by a lawyer. It helps though if you can get your child to speak to a child psychologist about there feelings. This at least documents that this isn't coming from you.
Make sure you get on a wait list for supervised visits in a contact centre.
She's 4 legal advice I've had so far haven't been helpful but all other professionals agree with me that something's wrong and I'm working with people regarding this.
I've got most times recorded where I've answered the call and she has said she doesn't want to talk. In the process of working with councillors, Drs etc.
I'm trying to follow her queues and put her first while making sure we are both protected as there is significant risk if all contact is stopped abruptly.
Get court orders in place. She is struggling big time and that tells me she is under more pressure than a child can handle. You start out casually saying hes emotionally abusing her and other things!! then you go on to try to figure out how to do contacts so youre not in trouble but without court orders? It makes no sense. This little girl is being abused, and shes suffering, you need to put her first and stop this. How she acts on phone calls is the least of her worries and should be yours too.
Visits have been fixed and I'm working with professionals regarding this. It's a process and in the mean time I'm not sure if I should force the phone calls. It's the weekend and I don't have anyone to ask ATM until Next week.
None of this has been taken lightly and stopping all contact could be a serious risk to her and myself so yes I am not taking this lightly and yes I'm always putting her first! Even the professionals are concerned about things that will happen if contact is stopped all together abruptly.
So before you sit there and give no helpful advice just telling me I'm not putting my daughter first. I am and always have. This is a bigger thing than I could ever write!
What I was asking was should I make her do the calls for now or respect her choice.
Thank you for judging without even knowing ?
I can only judge from what youve written. And what youve just said confirms it, your daugter is being abused. Asking here for advice from healthy people, the answer will be to get her out of the situation asap.
The psychologist can onyl work with what youre willing to do. If He is volatile you could get protection. Fearing what someone abusive may do is absolutely no justification for keeping your child in an abusive relationship with them.
You always have more options, its up to you which ones you rule out, which steps you take. He poses serious risk to her, shes being abused and she is suffering, but he's not even supervised on his visits I dont believe for a second police facs or paychologistswould encourage that. get this situation sorted out officially, please stop trying to fix it yourself because you cant you need him gone!!! Please open your eyes this is not about phone calls, your daughter is being abused ?
I don't believe a psychologist in the world would recommend forcing a child to have contact with their abuser. They are also mandatory reporters, so I don't think you are giving them the full story yet, are you? I can't believe you are still on this same road of continuing contact out of fear of this predator. Your daughter is going to have long term psychological damage from all this and when she's older she's going to ask the question, if you knew mum, why didn't you stop contact? Why didn't you go to the police? I'm giving you the same answers I have given you time and time again.
Stopping contact MAY cause serious risk, continuing contact WILL cause significant risk and already has for your daughter.
There's no way I'd force my child to speak on the phone, regardless of who it is. My kids are teens, they hate talking on the phone so it would never work if their dad called.
Only you know the truth of your situation. Do you have to answer the call or can you fib a few times to buy some time 'sorry she's asleep' or 'she's at friends house' or 'she's not well' or simply let him hear her say she doesn't want to talk to him, when you say dads on the phone?
None of this contact sounds like it's in the best interest of the child, it's all about him. I'd be doing something to change that. Stay safe mumma xx