I have a friend( let's call Kim) who has been dating an asshat for 2.5yrs.i have only known her for about a year and due to relocations through gov housing she and her daughter live 2 houses away from my daughter and I. He does not live with them.
About a year or so ago he has slashed her tyres on her car which he recently went to court for. In the last 8 mths he has smashed a window in her house which I went to the police with her to file a complaint. He doesn't physically touch her but gets into her personal space and intimidates, he says horrible things to her face and on the phone in calls and text. The last time was about 2 mths ago and as my daughter and I walked past her house we saw a decapitated teddy bear on her front lawn. He tried to come over with flowers and jewellery but she said no.
She has been going on these last few weeks on how she is so much happier without him and how she doesn't need a man and blah blah blah. Yesterday myself, my daughter, Kim,her daughter and another friend hand her daughter went to our local pool for a swim and to have a bbq for dinner. Suddenly there he was. Kim denied telling him but it seemed very odd to myself and our other friend. Next min she's in the pool flirting and laughing with him. We were moved to another pool because of team swimming so I asked her what she was thinking. She says I love him! I tried to say how people who love you don't hurt you and she says he never hit me!!! No just verbally abused you. I said all I could but I could see she wasn't listening. He drove our other friend home trying to prove how great he is and when I went out the front this morning his car was in her driveway. Her own daughter who is 7 hates him because he ignores her and the whole time he is there they sit in her room and get stoned and smoke a huge amounts of cigs. I don't have a problem with smoking pot but there's a time and a place.
So I've decided I'm not going to get involved ever again. When I see her next I will tell her to never talk about him to me again. I am sick of it. It makes everyone including her parents look stupid. It's a joke that this keeps happening and she says she has ptsd from her exhusband but is with this piece of shit????? Don't talk to me about him, don't call me when it happens again as we all know it will. I can't even send my girl to play at with her daughter because he makes me sick and he will be there.
Thanks for the vent ladies but these people don't know how this effects us and you can only hear the same things so many times before you switch off.
3 Replies
Hey I totally get where you are coming from. I had to do the same thing with my sister. I refused to listen to her whinge about the guy one more second. I basically said I couldn't do it again, I was sorry but my mental health, welfare and time is important. If she chooses to get involved with this guy again that's on her.
It really changed the dynamics of our relationship because I think a big part of her enjoyed the drama of it all. That sounds terrible and if the guy had laid one finger on her of course I would have been there for her. I continued to encourage her to get herself some psychological help, I continued to be there for other areas in her life, but I refused to engage in the drama of these kinds of relationships for one second more, mostly because I have to put my own welfare and my own needs first.
Yeah I want to say dont cut her off but yeah i totally get it, its frustrating, and you shouldnt have to go through it every time she does, its hard. Get her the info about dv that explains its not just physical, he doesnt have to hit you for be serious abuse. Theres an 'am I in an abusive relationship?' checklist it might help her.
Maybe you could stay friends with her and set her up with an action plan for next time he slips up, draw the line and consequences and not just hitting - breaking her things, threatening to, calling her names, demeaning her in front of other people, making her nervous to take him around her friends or family etc, then be there when she comes to you and refer to the plan that she made and agreed was right for her and her child.
I wouldn't tell her not to talk to me about him, I would just distance myself but still invite her daughter over to play with your daughter.
I would also be reporting the situation to the police or children's services as it sounds like that child could be at risk.