Infertility Roller Coaster

It's hard to explain just how it feels to ride the roller coaster of emotions, that is my infertility reality.
I cannot fathom how something so natural, is so difficult for me. What did I do wrong to be dealt these cards? Could I have done something different to prevent this?
Some days I'm so bitter at the universe, if there is a god why is he punishing me, yet he blesses others with the ability to easily conceive? Other days I just loathe myself, my body and how useless it is. I hate my body so much that self care is non existent. I turn to comfort food and tell myself it doesn't matter how bad the food is because my body is already damaged. I feel angry that there are so many people who abuse and neglect their children. Why is it they can have kids without a problem? Then there is the feeling of gratitude and happiness, for being blessed with a beautiful son after numerous IVF cycles. I feel so incredibly lucky, he is worth every tear, mood swing, bruise and kilogram gained from the countless injections. The feeling of love and pride I have for him is amazing, like nothing I've ever felt before. He gives life meaning. There are so many of days where I forget that infertility is a part of my life. I focus every ounce of my being to be the best mum that I can. I try to be the best role model for my son, by being healthy and active and giving him new experiences. I feel adventurous and confident with all that I do.
Then along comes guilt. The soul crushing feeling when reality returns and I realize I can't give my child a life with siblings. No brothers or sisters to guide through life, to watch over and take care of as he grows older. No siblings to play with throughout his childhood. What will he do if something were ever to happen to his father and I? Would he be on his own? Will he feel resentment towards me when he is older for making him go through life without a sibling?
Then there is the feeling of selfishness. Was I so blinded by my quest to be a mother that I didn't consider my child would be an only child? Was my decision to have a baby fair to him? I tried IVF again and again when he was a few months old with no success. I desperately wanted him to grow up with a best friend like his father and I did.
Finally there is the feeling of content. I understand there is nothing I can do about my infertility. I count the blessings I have been given in this life and I am so thankful I have my son. He filled the hole in my soul that I didn't know was missing until he arrived. With contentment comes happiness and it's exhilarating to be on this journey.
This roller coaster is never ending. I can be feeling content for weeks and suddenly the tiniest thing will send my roller coaster crashing straight down to bitterness again and looping around through to anger and breaking down on the tracks before reaching happiness.
News of friends and family expecting a little bundle of joy brings conflicting emotions. I'm so happy for them and eagerly await the announcement of bub's arrival, yet I also feel jealous that it's not me making the announcement of a pregnancy. Sometimes news of others pregnancy brings little emotion and then there are the times it hits me so hard I drop to my knees and sob uncontrollably until I can cry no more.
I didn't ask to be on this ride, it's full of highs and lows and twists and turns. At times it's fun and others it's scary as hell. It's a ride that in one way or another, I'm paying for it.

I don't really have a question. I just needed to share my thoughts to help lighten my heavy heart.