Bit of history. My brother started dating a girl behind my families back as he knew she wasn't liked.... her brother raped me.. she tried bashing my dad and her family have made it quiet obvious they hate us
Middle of last year I went out for a brothers birthday. There was another brother and his girlfriend there. The night was going great until someone got very drunk and the night had to end early. I was heading out with my bestfriend when we noticed one of my brothers sitting by himself looking unhappy. We went down to see what was wrong and he said he didn't want to go home so we invited him and his gf out with us. Well she didn't want to go out with us and then her best friends sister started going off at my brother (can't remember exactly what was said) I told her to shut her mouth before I did it for her (yes I know wrong) my brothers girlfriend started going off at me for saying it. I went back at her and some how it ended with me trying to belt her up (again I know very wrong) well my brother came over and pushed me which resulted in me getting knocked out and taken to hospital via ambulance and on the way they nearly lost me. I now suffer short term memory loss and have frequent dizzy spells and can't be trusted with taking my child shopping as I forget her if I get side tracked by something...... fast forward were I apologised tried to make things right again, invited them to a BBQ and bring our family back together..... some how a fight broke out (I had no idea what was going on and tried breaking it up as I was inside when it started) and my brother smashed things up and his girlfriend tried bashing me as pay back.... I thought we had all moved on but obviously not...... I miss my brother so much and it's killing me!! My child loves him as well. I know as long as he is with her he won't be able to see us as she is a horrible person and has hurt a lot of people since joining the family... my brother even ignores our mum and she has had no part in at all apart from looking after me.... do I text him and try and make a mends or just let it go? He was my best friend and someone I ran to when I needed someone to talk to or just someone to tell I'm doing okay in life
20 Replies
A lot of families fight, it is what they do. The disturbing part of your story is that you and your family member's "go to" is violence, to each other and smashing things, that is not normal and exposing the kids to DV. I don't think you and the brother/gf should see each other until you have all sorted your anger issues and there is an absolute commitment by all parties to stop ANY type of violence, your kids are learning this is normal. Were your parents violent?
My daughter has never witnessed any of this happening thankfully!!
I have worked on my anger issues and got help.
No my parents wouldn't know how to be violent
You acknowledge that this is a totally toxic dangerous situation to involve your daughter in. You grieve the loss and stay as far away as possible.
That is what I have done so far! It just sucks. I'm thankful my daughter hasn't been around when this has happened
That is what I have done so far! It just sucks. I'm thankful my daughter hasn't been around when this has happened
You sound like you've done the hard yards, well done, but sadly they haven't. Is there a time when your brother could come over to your place once a week or fortnight (half hours tops), just to have a cuppa with you, without her? Maybe approach him about it and build from there. She doesn't need to know if it will cause too much angst. Your brother may also secretly carry around a lot of guilt about what happened to you on that night, you guys probably just need a heart to heart.
He's not allowed to talk to me. We were at a family members birthday and he was made to stay away from me and have nothing to do with me. Unfortunately I think I might have to cut my ties and just move on. I hope he realises before it's to late and he has lost the whole family
It all sounds very much like my partners siblings with the bullshit tough guy talk, threats of belting each other, facebook slinging matches and other assorted immature high-school dramas. Ain't no-one got time fo dat.
Leave them be, work on growing up. You can't control them but you can control you. Hopefully they do the same and eventually the family can re-unite.
I've grown up. I have worked on my anger and got help for it.
Its better your child does NOT witness any of that sort of behavior. Sorry honey but that is not normal family squabbles. Thats family violence. :(
Much better you have as little to do with your brother as possible if that type of behavior you described is the result of your gatherings. Imagine how terrifying that would be for your child and extremely damaging for her wellbeing. Get some counselling to come to terms with everything that has happened and the loss of your closeness with your brother. But its much more important your child has a safe environment.
Thankfully my daughter has never witnessed any of this. I have had her baby sat.
I have been to a counsellor and I have gotten help for my anger issues.
It sounds like you are all very toxic people when you come together. I would personally just be avoiding any confrontations because it just blows up every time. If you want to, maintain a relationship via phone and messaging but for now, keep it at that. If you do come together, maybe don't involve alcohol because I imagine that is going to make the situation much worse.
It seems like you were both in the wrong and she just won't move on, there's always two sides to each stories and she may just not be ready to forgive you yet. Give them the space they deserve and need until they are ready.
Otherwise, cut your losses because you did something that I would see as unforgivable. I wouldn't want to see you any longer after the threats you made and the abuse you took out on her that evening. Sorry just doesn't always cut it and there are so many positive people in our lives, why should we surround ourselves with toxic ones?
Thing is everything was great in the family until she came along. She is the type of girl that can say what she likes about anyone but if something is said back to her then god help you. She called another brother a bad father and said he doesn't know how to be a father. Alcohol isn't the problem as it happens when it isn't even involved.
She is the problem and always has been! She has even been rude to my mum for no reason at all. She thinks it's all about her and we must bow down to her and do as she says even in our own house!!
I'm not allowed to have anything to do with my brother!
Stay away from her and her family. You have been raped and nearly died by hanging around these people. Let go and let God deal with her and your brother. Your brother had chosen this family over his own that's his mistake in life. Maybe your brother has to learn some valuable lessons by being with her. Take your brother out for a coffee just you two and explain your reason for letting him go and stick to it, be strong. Eventually their relationship will expire, in the meantime look into forming more positive rewarding relationships with non toxic people
I think the only option I have is to walk away and let things be
This is why I avoid my family. Children shouldn't be exposed to this behaviour and if you cannot keep your hands to yourselves distance is probably better.
Thankfully my daughter hasn't witnessed any of it! I honestly don't even know how the last fight started or how the girlfriend started on me. I know I was trying to stop the fight and the next minute I was thrown into the fence.... I think I'll just cut all ties
All children involved need tw ki ng off thos family. All the poor kids are seeing is mum/dad/aunty/umcle/grandparents etc fighting. This is not healthy for them amd not setting a good example for them. They deserve better!! all adults need to go and get help for your anger management this is normal family behaviour!!! .
Well I have been getting help for my anger and I will continue to do so until I think I'm right on my own. I have also stopped drinking with the people who fuel my anger or like to push buttons... the kids haven't seen any of these fights thank fully and I don't stop my child having contact with any of her uncles or aunties. She will see them with other people as I don't find it fair if she misses out on them because we fight
You all sound highly dysfunctional and got major relational issues! - I think you'd be best to work on yourself for counselling and anger management, before even thinking of having contact or trying to repair relationships with the rest of the family ...
PS just saw some notes about you working on yrself - good to hear - it will take time tho so stick with it and be patient, don't expect others to be proactively doing what you are and if they're not then they are not going to see things your way nor are they going to be good to be around.