I'm totally pissed off. My stupid x who I have a 3 and 4 year old with says if I won't sleep with him he will no longer do me any favours like looking after our children if I get called into work.
He doesn't work, he's a self employed tradesman who basically spends all his time finishing off his new house he built and pays zero child support.
I wanted to go on a child free holiday and he said if I wanted to go I would have to sleep with him. I did and I went in my holiday. I know, big mistake but I really needed a break and had no one else to look after them.
Now I'm back and because I won't sleep with him again he's stated No More Favours.
I've already got them in daycare when I work, pay for everything for them, never ask for any money and he's still being an arse.
I know he's a dick head and I was stupid to play his game just had to get some me time for my own sanity and at the moment this is really a vent.
Hes stopping me from moving forward by playing stupid games. I've seen other people and he's abused me in front of our children or confronted the guy (who I never saw around my children) enough to scare them off.
At the moment I'm thinking of moving, only 50km away to a smaller rural town just to get some space and try to live my own life.
He'll still see our children which is every second weekend.
Wish he would let me go and yes I know you're all going to say I should never have slept with him again but I needed a break.
We separated 3 years ago.
If you won't sleep with me then I'm not doing you any more favours
If you won't sleep with me then I'm not doing you any more favours
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Self Care, Parenthood Guilt
6 Replies
You dont have to move to reclaim your independence from him. Draw the line. You dont need him. If he abuses you, walk away and report him. Let him know its unacceptable abuse and do not reply or enagage in any further conversation or interaction. If hes abusive to you on pickup, pickup changes to a police station. You need to cut the ties and things will change, he will most likely get over it and you will eventually get to a decent coparenting relationship, or else he'll end up with a string of charges and probably lose his kids and end up in jail you just take care of yourself and your kids.
He is currently just using, abusing and minipuluating you to his own advantage.
He doesn't owe you anything and looking after HIS kids isn't a favour! He is probably just going to kee walking all over you until you put your foot down. I'd be putting some legal restrictions and requirements on the situation with the kids visitations, and cutting ties with him on a personal level completely.
Please stop feeling guilty! You did what you needed to do, a happier mum is better for your children. In saying that now is time to stop playing his game, if you feel moving is the best thing for your family than do it, if not try and find a babysitting service than can help, best of luck!!
Get mediation started and get the papers stating when he has the children and how long he has them for, where pickup and drop off will be (public place, supervision centre?). Include time for school holidays, christmas, easter, birthdays etc. When phone contact can take place. There is no reason for him to blackmail you into sex. Maybe you need to look into a qualified baby sitter etc for when you need downtime and contact child support. Stop enabling him to be a dick. It's not doing you a favour to spend time with his own children, he should be happy to be having more time with them. Don't show that you rely on him for help.
Also make sure if you do mediation that your solicitor lodges the agreement with the court so it becomes a court order, otherwise it's not legally enforceable if he decided to be spiteful because you won't play his games
This is long so bare with me...
For the first 9 months after i left my awful ex, he constantly pestered and pressured me into having sex with him. It became easier to just give in and do it then have the consequences of him becoming angry. I was intimidated by him. But it was another form of control and when i stood up for myself and said no more!!! Well, it turned bad. He refused to see our child unless i started our realtionship again. The emotional abuse was terrible! And his anger was scary. When i started dating my now husband, my ex threatened to hurt him, would ring me up and abuse me, tell me he'd do everything in his power to make my life hell and he'd get me back in the end. He chose to not see our child for a long time to try and make me end my relationship.
But I didn't let him gain that control. It was hell! But when he found a new girlfriend, he stopped. I should of reported the abuse to the police though, and looking back i wish i had. I should of got an AVO on him.
My advice to you is, stay strong!!! Dont beat yourself up for having sex with him, but dont let him gain that control of your life! Stuff the "favours"...inform work you wont be able to be called in. Accept there will be very limited time to yourself. Hes using his position of co-parent to try and control your life and how you live it. Its so wrong. Organise mediation to do a parenting plan. Take back the control of your life! Call 1800respect. It is a fantastic service and you can call them after the kids are all in bed and asleep and they will be able to give you advice a support.
Best of luck xxx stay strong!