This is a bit complicated so bare with me. We are in QLD and we are wanting to move away with a fresh start. How do you deal with a family member doing everything they can to stop you from moving away? This family member I am close with, which is making this harder. This person is doing everything they can to stop my husband, myself and our young daughter from moving away. The area we are in has very few employment opportunities and honestly we just hate it here. We want to move away to start fresh. The place we are looking at has much better work opportunities where we can actually get ahead and start moving forward with our lives. We feel trapped where we are now. This family member just doesn't get it and only thinking of themselves. They use anything and everything they can (including blackmailing us) to stop us from going. They use our daughter as a reason not to go (all my family is here and we have nothing to do with my in-laws). They are being really selfish but I cant talk about it because it upsets them and then I am made out to be the bad guy because I want to leave. I realise I can put on my big girl panties and put my foot down with them and just leave, but I honestly feel trapped by them. I hate the way my family treats me, if I go against them in any way I get labelled ungrateful, bitchy, wrong etc. I want out. My husband wants out. I am miserable where we are now and the way this family member (and the rest of them) treat us makes me feel like the awful one for wanting to go. My husband gets treated like a child by my family and pretty much everything he says is fobbed off. They are only thinking of themselves and controlling us. I've had enough. We had the chance to leave last year but were blackmailed by this family member to stay and I am kicking my own backside for allowing them to control us like they did. We tried being blunt, being polite, saying nothing but it doesn't stop them from interfereing in our lives and trying to control us. When we stand up for ourselves then the whole family finds out, gangs up on us and then we are the bad guys. Aside from the house we are in now (almost 12 months) the only other place we lived in was my parents rental property (that we had rented for 6 years). We put them down on our rental application for a new place and when they found out we were applying to move an hour away they lied to the real estate saying we are bad tenants, so they rejected us. We moved out of their rental because they were controlling and trying to do weekly inspections. When we told them that is illegal we got told we are being ungrateful and they didn't have to rent out their house to me and hubby. When my parents bought the place I came home from work and found they had moved all my stuff to the rental property and told me I was living there now and I had to sign a lease with them. I was young and didn't know any better that point. Now they have sold the place and I'm the bad guy because we moved out and they only want to rent to family. They have told us that they will only give us good references to local places and we aren't allowed to move any more than 15 mins away from them. We wont get a rental with only this place as a reference. All the real estates we have spoken to want at least 2 previous landlords to contact. How do I deal with this?
Please help. Controlling Family
Please help. Controlling Family
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
9 Replies
You stop talking about moving to them. Stop mentioning it.
But you pack up and move. You just go without telling them. Done and dusted!
We don't talk about it anymore. They keep bringing it up and it turns into an argument. I tell them I'm not talking to them about it and then I'm ungrateful.
It's time to live your life. You can't control other people's behaviour but you can control your own.
Don't allow those people around you if they can't behave themselves.
Aside from the house we are in now (almost 12 months) the only other place we lived in was my parents rental property (that we had rented for 6 years). We put them down on our rental application for a new place and when they found out we were applying to move an hour away they lied to the real estate saying we are bad tenants, so they rejected us. We moved out of their rental because they were controlling and trying to do weekly inspections. When we told them that is illegal we got told we are being ungrateful and they didn't have to rent out their house to me and hubby. When my parents bought the place I came home from work and found they had moved all my stuff to the rental property and told me I was living there now and I had to sign a lease with them. I was young and didn't know any better that point. Now they have sold the place and I'm the bad guy because we moved out and they only want to rent to family. They have told us that they will only give us good references to local places and we aren't allowed to move any more than 15 mins away from them. We wont get a rental with only this place as a reference. All the real estates we have spoken to want at least 2 previous landlords to contact
Tell the agents you owned a house before you rented the one you are in now, you dont need 2 rental references if you have only rented once, you can't create a reference ? Wow, they really are controlling, time to do your own thing.
Do you not have any friends who could be put down as references for you? Work colleagues?? A boss?
Doesn't sound that complicated. Apply for jobs where you want to go, get a rental and leave without telling them. If you were 'close' to this person they wouldn't treat you like shit. Just go!
You poor thing. I know exactly what your going thru! You have learnt the hard way you cant trust them because they will sabotage your plans, count it as a blessing so you wont make that mistake again when it really matterrs. Like now.
It's hard, its hard cause they are family and know your secrets, its hard cause you love them and feel responsible to them even though you shouldnt (because they take it to extreme) and its hard because of the emotional toll it takes with the manipulation.
Basically I learnt that the only thing people like us have done wrong is grow up and become, or need to be, independent. It puts them out because they prefer us near by for whatever their reasons, even ifnits not the best for ourselves and our family. They are being selfish.
Say with the example of blackmailing. Whatever it was, you have moved past it and its time to move on. But they are using it to hold you back. The fact is, its time t move on. Thats it. You cant stay there forever.
Make your plans and go. Continue to keep it quiet as you do so. When they bring it up, just tell them there is nothing available at the time to move and it looks like you will be staying awhile. Or ignore the arguments. Dont tell them until everything is in place and its time to go. Ignore their controlling attempts, as hard as it is, dont let it do your head in. Just keep reminding yourself this isntheir problem and not something you are actually doing wrong.
Good luck.
sounds like you're dealing with someone with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) because of all the traits and behaviour they are using to control you. You're going to have to enlist tactics that people getting out of Domestic Violent relationships use, quietly pack your bags and leave without them knowing. Do not worry about them smearing and turning the family against you, just GO. RUN