I’ve been step mum to a little girl for just over 8 years with 50/50 care. It has usually been a good relationship between her mum and my partner and myself, we communicate well, and even share things like birthdays, hosting them together at two families etc. The last 2 years however have been pretty rough for them financially and substance abuse wise. There has been a lot of fighting, sometimes the police being called, no money for rego, food, rent etc and the kids (step daughter and two other little kids) often go without. We pay child support and cover all the things for our stepdaughter that we know they can’t afford, like school stuff, extra-curricular activities, levies and lessons etc. even though we don’t make a lot more than they do, and help them with expenses like car trouble and fire wood etc. The main issue is that her partner has a pretty chronic weed addiction, and that would not be so bad, if he would work and could afford it. He hasn’t worked for around 6 years, and she is always trying her best to work but has a health condition that makes it tough. Even when she does have work, he spends it as fast as she can make it. I know that they have just been given and eviction notice, and are about to have the power cut off. Our issue is that it affecting my stepdaughter. She is continually anxious and beginning to show some concerning aggressive behaviour to mine and my partner’s 2 children. Her teachers and vacation care provider have noticed too. I feel like her behaviour makes sense, she’s an amazing kid, but her surrounding are making life even harder than it already is for her living in two homes. She loves her mum, partner and two other siblings so much, and they are not bad people, but their choices are impacting her negatively. We’ve tried talking to them about it but they blow it off like it’s nothing and won’t address the behaviour issue at all. We don’t know what to do, we feel like she’s being damaged, but would we damage her more by keeping her at our place more (guilt for not being with mum, and not seeing the other family equally)? We’re a bit lost, any advice would be appreciated.
3 Replies
Your partner , her Dad should absolutely be keeping his daughter more. Without a doubt. She needs at least one parent who will protect her from that toxic environment. Her mother clearly isn't able to prioritise her children over her addict husband and provide a stable environment. Let's face it even on unemployment payments many families make it work.
It's not stopping her from seeing her mum, it's giving her a stable environment, and she can still see her mum but in a healthier way.
I dont think 80/20 is damaging it still allows a relationship although I have to ask if you think they are unsuitable parents and its an unsuitable living arrangement why are you still happy to send them there 20% ?
I am not the poster but can answer this (i think) myself and my partner are in a similar situation and believe it or not, it's an incredibly difficult decision to 'take' a child away from its mother (or father, whoever has has primary care) and siblings that the child may have spent more time with, hence developing a stronger bond than with the siblings that live with the other parent/family.
Its kind of a case of "will the child be damaged by staying, or MORE damaged by being taken away from the parent that he/she has primarily resided with"
It is honestly such a hard hard decision to make and one that is likely to end up with negativity whichever way you go.