Hi sisters so im having a rough time at the moment. Im a step mum which has been fantastic up until recently. My step child seems very unhappy about coming around all of a sudden. They have had alot if change in their life due to the mum (who is quite unpleasant) but my partner and i are coping the backlash and the blame for their change. I am finding my self not wanting my step child to come over because they are unhappy the whole time.
9 Replies
You don't mention the age but there's many reasons this can be happening. Kids are generally only miserable if someone makes them that way.
First just say you've noticed they've been unhappy and ask if there's anything you can help with, open the possibility of communication. You just never know what's going on in this kids life to have caused this change but it's pretty important to find out what it was, could be something happening at home, could be mum in their ear about how traitorous it is to enjoy a visit at dads (or enjoy your company, and yes there are women like this), could be hormones kicking in, could even be something that happened at your place that made them uncomfortable.
Try extra hard to make the visits something to look forward to, doesn't need to be expensive just something that lets them know you were thinking of them and organised this just for them. Make them feel special, like they matter to you both and visits will hopefully improve.
He is 7. Nothing on our end has changed at all. The mother hates me because im very honest to her if im upset or unhappy about something. I mentioned i thought her new relationship was effecting my step son. His gone from thinking her last bf was his dad to now being told by her my partner is his father not the other guy. Plus has a new bf after being seperatdd for one day. I know all the change is affecting him but she wont here of it and has now gone nasty to me etc.
How could he visit you and his father and think the other bloke was his father? Why did he think he was visiting you? He's seven, surely he knows who his father is if he sees him regularly? His father is allowed to repartner with you, not live with the child and care for the child on a daily basis, but the mum, who takes care of the kids isn't? Single mums who repartner are hurting their kids, but dads who walk out and repartner, that's fine right? How do you know the circumstances around her finding a new partner? Maybe she broke up with the other one because this man is more suited to her? Maybe she has known this man many years? Who are you to judge and blame the child not wanting to spend with you on her?
He call the other guy dad and his father by the first name. And his mother wouldnt csll him dad either it was always by his first name. I dont care that shes with somebody else that is her prerogative. His told me he misses his other dad when he comes over its very saddening. The dad never walked out the mother did that and didnt let his father see him often in the first 2 years its only since he was 4 that is became regular basis type visits. he didnt have a seriously relationship till me and by then the boy was much older. He was a very confident happy little boy and now since all of the change his gone very quiet and isnt happy being independent. Even my family has noticed the change. Im concerned about him and his happiness and we all love him to death. I domt know what goes on when his with his mum all i know is i see his spirit fading and thatd what saddened and worried me.
Dad needs to be called dad!! Your partner sounds way to passive to let the mother not let him see his child for 2 whole years (you know there is meditation and self representing in court, he does have rights if he wants to exercise them) and then allow his son to call him by his first name. This all sounds odd to me. If I were the father, I would start being the dad, being the role model and being very clear to this child that I am the father. If the boyfriends come and go, child won't be so emotionally invested when he has a stable, loving dad. I would do this by: telephone calls during the week, being there for big days (first day of school, kindy days), engaging with the mother about what's happening in the child's life, extreme one on one bonding alone with the child (fishing, camping, bush walks, chatting, mowing the lawn together, gardening, working on the car). Dad needs to bridge the gap of his absence and repair this relationship. Good luck, if he has the motivation and desire, their relationship could be amazing. You also sound like an awesome step mum and they are both lucky to have you.
He is defiantly building that bridge back up between the two of them. He does tell him im your dad etc but is letting his boy do it in his own time as he had mentioned he feels nervous about it. Dad didnt know where they lived as she just went off the grid and he got quite depressed so i suppose that's why it all happened. Thankyou that's very nice of you to say that
It may be that he just feels comfortable enough to show he's feelings at your house - that you will still love him even if he is a grump. Perhaps at Mums he doesn't have that comfort level.
So often, we take out our negativity on the people we trust the most to keep us safe.
You may be right about that. I find he comes to our and is very anxious. He used to be a very confident little boy and now he just seems sad and anxiety alot of the time.
Im also constantly having to let him sleep in our bed and watch a movie to fall asleep.