how can I get a girl to understand about personal hygiene? And don't bother saying she probably does or she's probably embarrassed because she isn't! She really doesn't care. I am her step mum, she doesn't care what I say or think, I've tried so hard with her and she doesn't appreciate any of it. Her mother has no input in her life, she is the reason I believe her daughter is like this. She herself is an unclean person. So how can I break the cycle? she's a bed wetter (I posted a question about that last week, thinking if we can sort that it will follow on and help with the smell issue) unless I go in every morning and tell her to put the sheets in the wash, she won't do it, she'll sleep in the smelly sheets and put back on the peed clothes! She doesn't mind! I feel like I'm constantly at her..... is the bed wet? Put the sheets in the wash! Change your clothes! Pick up the wet clothes that have been in the floor for two days? Brush your hair! Have you brushed your hair? You did the front, what about the back? It looks brushed only to try tying it up and the underneath it totally matted!!! I say nothing......... and she smells and looks like she crawled out of a tree:) but she's fine, she's happy. Help me please!!!! Should I keep trying or just let it go? if I have to say something to her she glares at me, I'm trying to help but she see it as me being mean. We've written notes and stuck them on her door to remind her so I don't have to every morning but it didn't work. I said to her the other day, what if someone at school says that you smell? How do you think you'll feel? She said she didn't know. Please help me!!!! Dad will just yell, but she'll respond to that, for a couple days anyway. She's 8, I guess I could just brush her hair and pick up her wet clothes but when will she be responsible for it? I've asked her if she wants to wake up dry and she says yes but she doesn't want to do anything to make it happen. She turns off the alarm to get up in the night (if she gets up she won't wet the bed) and she simply doesn't want to wear the bed wetting alarm. Do I seriously put her back in nappies? She'd be happy with that because then she doesn't have to try. She wants to do nothing, seriously. She's misbehaved at school since day one. She constantly glares at me if she's asked to do something. I've asked her what to you what to do? She just wants to play. I know what she's going to grow up and be like and I don't want that, just tell me, do I keep trying or do I let it go?
If you read all of that I thank you, please help me.
Personal Hygiene
Personal Hygiene
Posted in:
Kids
16 Replies
It sounds like there is an underlying issue that hasn't been addressed.
When was the last time she was assessed by a peadiatrician and child psychologist? I'd be looking into things like Aspergers. Girls present very differently to boys.
I'd be jumping up and down to get professional help. Because the bed wetting, the missing social norms etc sounds right on the money.
op here, I totally agree with you. She completely misses social ques, she has no friends, but doesn't think anything of it. If someone is chasing her than that's a friend. She's very behind and has language difficulties (not speech but questions and words) Even the school has asked for us to get her seen by a pead, I made the app but dad backed out. He just puts his head in the sand, says that he was bad at school. he doesn't know really what's "normal" he had a pretty crap upbringing. His not easy to talk to about this type thing because he feels like I'm having a go at him and it always turns in to me and my kids against him and his. (My son has a few difficulties so I'm not judging) She's got something, there's no doubt. I just wish I know what exactly so I know what we're dealing with.
The only way you are going to find out what's going on with her is by getting her seen to. Please ask your husband this.
"In 10/20 years time when ______ still has no friends, has no idea of what it's like to socialise, is still living at home and still wetting her pants, and displaying all of these behaviours and then one day decides to kill herself because the bullying becomes too much, how are you going to feel knowing that there was something you could have done to help her and make her life easier how are you going to feel, how are you going to feel knowing that you avoided getting her help early in life which could have made her life better and you simply refused to do it? "
Let him know that in no way are you trying to say he's a bad parent, that you are thinking about the best thing for his daughter. Kids do not just "grow" out of these behaviours without help. That you're there to support him in this too. These things can be over come with proper therapy.
Yelling at her is in no way going to help her. Look for picture stories about personal hygiene etc and put her back in night time pull ups at night. She doesn't have the mental capacity of an 8 year old you cannot expect her to act or have the responsibilities of one. It will only hinder any progress she may make. Brush her hair, buy a detangling comb and spray so she can also do it. But please don't let her go to school smelly and with grosse hair, especially if it's obvious she's going to be picked o for these things. All 8 year olds just want to play by the way they don't just understand the relaities of life, she's a kid to!!
Ok, it's not acceptable for dad to bury his head in the sand. If he won't listen to reasoning as suggested then you might need to report him to child protective services and I would let him know that. Because let's face it, if you were not in the picture this girl would be in a terrible condition! Child protective services can insist on certain things be done for the benefit of the child. Of course you should try reasoning with your partner first but what he is doing is severely neglecting his child's needs.
So thank you for hanging in there, but this should not be on your shoulders!
I'd put her back in nappies. You don't have enough knowledge in order to be successful at this so its just going to fail. Document the conditions she is living under, eg knotted hair etc. dad should be terribly concerned and step up here, but he isn't. She needs to be treated more likes 3 year old. So. She needs to be told to do things and a lot more needs to be done for her, like brushing her hair.
Use tools like 'first-then'. So with my son I'll say 'first we brush hair, then you can have (insert preferred activity)'. Start researching visual schedules and how to teach her to follow one, so she can build some independence around skills she can do.
But you need to hit your partner hard. If he won't step up this is neglect and it's time to take action for this child.
She needs to go to a paed. As a mum of a child with something going on and im trying my best, its hard!! But if this girl is not getting support or understanding, just nagging or shouting its going to be really hard on her.
Get her help. Understand her. In the meanwhile be gentle. Do it yourself, gently and lovingly until you have an understanding, a plan and strategies in place.
Never give up on a child, she's only 8, she could have physical or mental reasons causing this, she really needs to be assessed and looked at... If you give up on her now she will give up on herself... Yes you are repeating the same crap every single day, yes it's frustrating as hell, but she's a child who obviously needs help and support
If she smells badly and has obvious poor hygeine I would be surprised if her school hasn't already reported the family to DCP for neglect. Make an appointment with the child health nurse and ask for help.
If she's only 8, then I would be stripping her bed on a daily basis for her. Put her in dry-nights pull-ups, and a disposable bed mat over her sheets, at night until she no longer needs them, it takes the pressure off the wetting and if she's not wetting through them, reduces the areas of conflict. Get her into the routine of having a shower every morning as she gets up, and instead of asking if she's brushed her hair, or done this or that, do her hair for her. Brush it and style it in a braid or with some ribbons, focus on making it look pretty and she will eventually form a habit of looking good. At this stage, though, I think that it's probably a little beyond her capacity. You're telling her that she needs to do this that or the other, but if she can't do it right, she'll give up on trying to. So by you making her hair look pretty and taking the time on weekends to teach her how to do different things with her hair as she grows, she will learn. Her co-ordination probably isn't developed enough to do her own hair to the standard that makes her look presentable. So rather than putting more pressure on her, take the pressure away and make it easier for her to look good. If you can't get her dad to take her to a paed, take her to the GP, most of them are able to assess what extra medical attention is required. You could also request at her school that the school counsellor spend some time with her. Any 8 year old in her situation would be emotionally lost and in need of some outside guidance, and the bed wetting indicates that she either has a physiological issue, or a psychological one. Either way, it needs to be addressed for her own good. It's great that you care and want to make this right for her, but she needs you to be gentle and supportive now rather than making it a constant battle between you. Take the conflict out, and build a supportive and loving trust, and you'll achieve far more with her.
agree totally - gosh she's only 8 = I'm still doing my 10 year olds hair- get pull ups - poor baby!
I had an 8 year old like this and now she is 13 i can't get her out the shower
8 is still so young... I'd be getting her to help with changing the bed and the washing but still providing assistance. I would also be looking at why she is wetting the bed....sounds like there might be an underlying issue...especially if her mother has no input. I know how frustrating little girls can be but she is still a little girl and sounds a bit like she expects you to give up on her (like it sounds like her mother did) and is testing you...sounds like she needs lots of love and acceptance...tough situation for all of you I hope you and her father can find a way to make things better for all of you - I've got brolly sheets for my bed wetter...so much easier than washing all the bedding just take the brolly sheet off and wash
I have a 9 year old, clean your teeth, brush your hair, put dirty clothes in laundry ect. constantly reminding and everyone else I know is the same. I think your expectations of an 8 year old are pretty high, stripping a bed herself, they are still so little!! Agree with the others, think she may also need a check with paed.
For starters you are the one who should be washing her sheets and clothes she has wet herself in that shouldn't be up to her you should be being the mother and doing that for her to learn the steps to do it herself. My little sister wet the bed and would go to our mum in the night as it happened and she would change the sheets then and there and make her shower before jumping back into bed
Thanks to the handful of people that have given me actual advice and suggestions to try help us. The people who gave sad faces and imaginary hugs, how is that helpful? You obviously don't know what to do either but wanted to have a dig at someone who's put their hand up for help. Those same people missed the point of the question also. It wasn't a bed wetting question it was a hygiene question. What things can I do and say to help her understand about being clean. This little girl has issues with anyone who expects anything from her, especially if it's a woman. Her mother has told her not to let me touch her, not to do her hair or paint her nails. It's a complex situation and I took one part and rolled it in to a frustrated rant. Again thank you greatly for the helpful advice and those who offered only bad comments you've made me feel defeated and hopeless. There's no point me trying to defend myself or explain the situation and more.
Start with love, compassion, empathy, friendship, fun, laughing, genuine interest in what she is into, bonding etc. but very slowly. Trust and respect is earned with kids, like adults. Be very casual when you engage with her, don't be all over her....hey, I like that song you're listening to, who is it? Whats that app youre alway playing, can I have a go? What do you feel like for dinner, oh really, that's my favourite too. There's such and such movie on tonight, it's my favourite, want to watch with me? If she has been told bad things about you and to hate you by her mum, she is in a tough spot psychologically, for her, she is living with the enemy. You can't change the behaviour until you connect on some level. For now do her hair, change the bed, pull ups, you are not in any place to be modifying her behaviour, protect her from being smelly at school. Take it slow, little by little, change the dynamic....morning, how did you sleep? Good luck, you have the power to change this situation, you could be the hero in this little girls life. You sound like you don't have kids (or very young ones), I think you just weren't really aware of where an 8 year is developmentally, there's no shame in that. Let me give you the mail, most of them don't care about personal hygiene and just want to play!! Wishing you and your family peace xxxx
If her mum is not in the picture then.... your her mum. When I read this I thought for sure you were talking about a teenager maybe 13 but then you said 8 and I was gobbsmacked. 8 is still very little. Bed wetting is normal at that age. I would put her in pull-ups and a Mat on her bed. Take her to a Doctor and find out if she needs any medical intervention. She wouldn't wet the bed if she could help it. She doesn't wet her pants during the day. As for her hair by 8 girls have a lot of hair and they are still learning to manage it. I don't imagine she wenjust miraculously learn to care about her hygine unless you teach her the reasons why it is important.