My husband and I have one child that is 1yr old. She's a funny, gorgeous and the light of our lives. I decided that I want another and I was of the understanding so was my husband was on board also. We talked about it at length and decided this year was our year. Fast forward two weeks and I ask why we have stopped having sex - we have a healthy sex life. He says oh I haven't been feeling well so I ask is it because we had unprotected sex once and he said yes I don't think I can do this. I don't think I want another child. He says he underestimated how hard it was going to be. Now I'm annoyed 1. cause he didn't have the balls to tell me and 2. I thought we were on the same page. What do I do? I was set on another. I'm upset at the thought of my daughter being alone. Our life is perfect (well perfect for us), we're so in love, we're successful in our careers, we have assets, we have money but I just don't feel done having kids. I don't want to end up resenting him later on.
15 Replies
I'd be upset that he couldn't tell me. I'd also take it as a sign he new how upset you were going to be.
Be glad that the truth is out there now, and at least you know. Having a child with someone who is already overwhelmed (as he is).
An only child isn't all alone. Some of my favourite people in the world are only children, and they are also some of the people with the closest most supportive friends. I usually have to book them in months in advance to see them because they are so busy and not lonely or alone.
Siblings aren't always the support network that people assume they will be. Nor are they always friends for life. I could easily go 6 months to a year without seeing my siblings and my mum who is one of 6 has been left to manage her ageing/dementia mother totally on her own. None of the other take any interest at all, and I visit her more than her own children.
Sounds like you and your husband have some work to do on communication and finding out why he handled things the way he did. Very bad form on his part. Also your baby is only one, so in a few years he might feel very differently.
Totally agree with your comments about only children! Having no siblings doesn't mean you'll be alone, that's what friends are for! I've seen plenty of people with siblings and they have nothing to do with them, it's not a guarantee of anything.
Why should your wants and needs be more important than his? If he doesn't want more, would you be happy having another - knowing he didn't truly desire that?? And then as a result - he could end up resenting you. It goes both ways, would he be happy NOT having another, knowing you are truly unhappy not having a second child? If it was me, I would do my best to try and understand his concerns and fears before becoming defensive and depressed at the thought of not having another child. If your life is in fact 'perfect' I would think long and hard about adding to it, particularly if he is already saying now "that he underestimated how hard it is," and your perception is that life is perfect. For him, it may in fact not be. I would appreciate his honesty, especially when making this BIG life changing decision. Communication is key. Be open and understanding.
Why should his not wanting more outweigh her wanting more tho! I'd be pretty upset if I went into a relationship both wanting the same thing to have the other day no ive changed my mind.
Maybe he hadn't said anything because he still wasn't sure, maybe you asking put him on the spot to finally have to commit to a decision and unfortunately it wasn't the one you want.
Only you know if this is a deal breaker.
My partner had the same choice. I was only ever having one, and that was after the first being a pill/condom baby. He wouldn't have minded more. He just had to make the decision if he was staying with me or venturing off to meet someone that would breed his cricket team.
Your life obviously isn't so perfect in his eyes, time to communicate and find out why he is struggling. Forget about the baby for now and focus on supporting hubby. I am sure when bubs is a little older/independent, he may want to revisit the idea.
Why does his outweigh her yes tho!? I never understand why people say that she needs to respect his decision, what about her decision!?
A no always trumps a yes when it comes to having kids. A child cannot be born unwanted, both parties have to be onboard, it's a commitment for life. He is allowed to change his mind, everyone has life plans, but they change over time and she has the choice to leave if she can't live with it. We all say how many kids we want etc. but when we actually gave them, it's a different story.
That's ridiculous. A no shouldn't ever trump a yes. It's a mutual agreement. You never regret the kids you do have, only the ones you don't.
A no should ABSOLUTELY trump a yes. Both ways. If he was on board and forcing the issue and having a tantrum, but she didn't want to, what would you say? Like you said, a baby is a mutual decision: that is, the decision to go ahead must be mutual and unanimous. It affects the lives of the whole family. They need to sit down and discuss where they're at, and where they think they're going to be in the future.
And that whole "You never regret the babies you have, only the ones you don't have" thing is BULLSHIT. A LOT of people regret having kids. I love my daughter with all my heart, I would never wish her away but I've realised that she's the only one I'll ever have. I'm far too selfish and I struggle all the time to be the kind of parent I think she deserves.
The old, you never regret the kids you have speech, eye roll.....so because they don't, everyone else in the universe must not either.....because that's something people would freely admit to at BBQs and parties if it were true lol
True! people won't admit regretting having kids because it makes you look bad. I have an only child and it will stay that way, the exhaustion and loss of freedom kills me sometimes why would I want to do that all again? She should try to wait for a year or two, the first 2.5 years were really draining for me. You have the new born phase then the terrible twos.
Correct. Saying you regret your kids does make you look bad. Just because you have one child and don't want more wasn't what I was getting at. You don't want more so therefore won't regret it. She does want more so will more than likely regret not having another one. Hardly a hard concept to understand. No need to get defensive.
Correct. Saying you regret your kids does make you look bad. Just because you have one child and don't want more wasn't what I was getting at. You don't want more so therefore won't regret it. She does want more so will more than likely regret not having another one. Hardly a hard concept to understand. No need to get defensive.
You are right to be upset however you don't want him to resent you down the track either. He may be happy with the family dynamics now but realise in due time that he would like another. Give him that time to get his head around the idea.