Hi sisterhood. I have 3 beautiful children already. My partner works part-time and is trying to make his business work. I am doing a post-graduate part-time and have just started a business. We are somewhat supported by the govt but make some money of our own as well. Our children are well provided for with some extras. We currently have no debit however, we are trying to save to buy a house but are not there yet. I/we have been talking for the last 2 years how we really want a fourth. For me it is a deep and constant ache. However, I am feeling serious guilt over the fact that we are not 100% supporting our existing family, don't own a property and yet want to bring a 4th child into the world. I know I am being selfish and should just get over it but I just can't seem to shake the feeling that our family is not coplete. I don't really have a question, I just need some help to be responsible as opposed to giving in to the desperate need I feel to have another child.
7 Replies
If you are sustaining yourself week to week now might work out to be the best time to have a baby.
get through maternity leave and then get to work on a house and career.
its what i did, it wouldnt have worked if i did it the other way around.
Honestly as someone who didn't have the kids that I yearned for, you make a decision to get over it. I know that sounds easier said than done, but I made a decision.
Don't get me wrong, I grieved, and it's totally normal and healthy to grieve. So I cried, chucked an adult tanty went through the grief process to acceptance and now I'm happier than ever. It was a decision though.
It also helped to have my life goals, morals, ethics etc in mind.
It was extremely important to me that I support the child I HAVE and those children get more expensive as the child ages and with the way Centrelink etc are going now, payments are decreasing not going up! Payments don't increase as your child ages and each child needs a laptop for high school.
I think you also have to stop seeing your family as incomplete. Reframe how you think of things. Stop talking about your family as if it has a part missing or it doesn't work as it should. The children you have are amazing and wonderful and so are you and your husband. They are more than amazing and enough wether another little person joins you or not.
Another thing to think about is no child should be born with a job of completing someone or something. That's a lot of pressure on a little person. Feeling complete or whole has to come from within you. If you aren't a complete person that's up to you to fix. A child can't complete something. They are a person in there own right.
I want more kids but can't have them due to medical issues. You'll learn to deal with it if you don't have another. It's kinda like how some people only have boys or only have girls and long for the other sex but they live and deal with it.
I don't believe children are a need, they are very much a want.
We tried for years and years and years and years to have a 3rd child, with many losses along the way. In the end we decided to stop and focus on what we have, did it hurt? Yes of course it did but ultimately it was what was best for ourselves, our children and our family unit. Do I get a little ping of jealousy when I see pregnancy announcements? Yep I do but I get over and get on with life and enjoying the children we do have.
I by no means think there's anything wrong with wanting or having more kids, but I think it's important to change the conversation, so many people push to have more and more kids placing themselves, their partners and their children under enormous amounts of pressure.
I think it's important to really look long and hard at why you want another? What pressure will it add? How will it change the families current dynamic? I get the longing for another kid, I really really do but I've also come through that, seen the other side and been ok with our decision to not have more.
Ultimately you have to do whatever you feel is best for everyone in your family, that's all any of us can do really, I just wanted to offer a different opinion among the sea of countless "I've had another and yes it was a struggle but I couldn't imagine life without him/her" posts, obviously if I had gone on to have another I would feel the same way but it's definitely ok to stop before you thought you were "done" and you will be ok, it's hard but you do move on.
You don't say how old you are but maybe you could wait a few years until hubby's business is up and running? I only have one child due to circumstances (divorced) and I am completely at peace with it now, there was a time when I wasn't, but it's a decision you have to make. I actually thank god i got the one I have! I can't imagine having a loving husband and three kids and not feeling complete, there must be something missing in your life to feel that way? Good luck, I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.
I recently lost my 5th and really want to get pregnant again. Before getting pregnant I thought I was done at 4. My husband works full time, we are saving for a house and I get about $600 a fortnight from Centrelink for ftb. Some people are able to earn a lot from their jobs others are just never going to. I just think you have plenty of time to work but only a certain amount of time to have children. I think if you can afford to have another baby then go ahead. You know you can work later as the baby gets older. I just think you don't want to regret it later.
Remember too, that this is a biological desire. At our most basic level, we are born to pass on our genes to the next generation. You are biologically wired to reproduce. Men to spread their seed. This is a terrible analogy, but it's kind of like chocolate for some people. That exact ratio of carbohydrate and fat has been proven to be an insatiable driving force that our brains won't tell us when we've had enough. The same hormone that is released when we eat fruit, vegetables, lean meat etc, isn't released when the combination is fat and simple carb. For some people it's cheese pizza... or hot chips - same carbohydrate/fat combination. A rational person, will stop, knowing that logically if they eat too much, they'll feel sick or if they eat it too often, that'll cost them when they have to buy a new wardrobe in a bigger size. Their logic is overriding their bodies inability to tell them they've had enough. I think it's the same with children for some people. My SIL has four kids. She also has a problem with her cervix and they want to give her a hysterectomy... but she won't have a bar of it. She suffers pain monthly, but can't stop feeling like she might want another. Her logical, rational brain isn't kicking in. Sometimes it's better to be rational, rather than living off a feeling. Feelings don't pay the bills. Ultimately, it's your choice. And I'm not sure how old your children are... but they get more expensive the older they are. Wait 'til you have 3 teens (if you don't already).. Easily quadrupled what they cost us in primary and younger. Factor in everything.