AWOL MIL. Sorry this is going To be LONG.
How can I make my MIL see that taking back(for the 5th time) her alcoholic abusive ex partner is a bad idea on many levels. 1-bad role model for her young son. 2-partner always says he'll stop drinking altogether and she believes him time and time again and then BAM his back on an alcoholic bender and becomes verbally & physically abusive towards her when she brings up the fact his drunk again.
We're worried for the welfare of her son (my husbands brother) and know for a fact that the son feels uncomfortable uneasy and sick everytime his around the guy. We're frustrated because we go and rescue her from the abusive situation every time just for her to return because she wants to talk things through and help heal him and fix his problems. I find her behaviour childish and selfish- it seems like she's putting her own needs before her sons needs.
She's fine when the guys not around and they don't talk. Fine as in she knows and acts on her responsibilities for her son and his needs but as soon as she lets the ex back in (AGAIN) he mentally manipulates her and it's like all her reasoning goes out the window. She has in the past asked us to look after her son for a few days 'break for herself' and then we find out later that she spends those childless days with her ex because he doesn't like her child being around when he is because it cramps his style.
His A controlling, manipulating, deceiving, abusive, selfish and childish excuse of a man and we've been trying to remove him from her life for the last 4 years- I guess you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped right? :(
8 Replies
Just another note. I'm aware that 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink' as in she has to want him out of her life for good and she has to make that move & decision but we're 100% sure she never will and we're worried the next time it happens it will be worse then having her head bashed in. We have no doubt that if his drunk enough and angry enough he will keep hitting until he kills her.
I'm sorry and I feel your pain. For me, you are basically talking about my sister. We just moved her for the third time yesterday after another toxic abusivecrelationship ended. It was her 3rd one.
It's doing my head in, she believes that everyone deserves a second chance and is wonderful when she meets them, despite all evidence to the contrary. She actually sees a
All the big warning signs early in the relationship but continues the relationship anyway and moves the guys in really fast. Within a month of meeting.
We have continued to encourage her to get psychological support because there is something going on internally for her that makes her do this.
Her kids have had a shit time of it and really we are all exhausted from the entire thing. The only reason I'm still involved is those kids.
I have no advice really other than if you can't save your MIL it might be time to save her son, which is also my next step.
Now that you've mentioned it...exhausted.....yes! I am exhausted too, my husband is exhausted with it all. He just doesn't understand her logic. She won't listen to anyone...and I mean ANYONE. The only person that she listens to and let's her wall down for is the bloody ex! We've considered calling child services but I suspect that she would see that as the easy way to get back with the ex- No child in toe; him not getting annoyed about her young son being around.
It's f***ed excuse my French. She blames my husband & I (mostly me though) for the ex's apparent downhill relapse because we didn't welcome him into our life and home and because I flat out refused to have anything to do with him. The ex has no one to blame but himself but MIL continues to make excuses for him/defend him and blame his problems on her sons & sons gf's/Daughter in law because 'we don't accept him and he has low self esteem' ....bullshit ?
I hear you!!
I've heard all the excuses.
Unfortunately you're right in that only she can help herself - nothing you do will make her change her mind until she is ready. Been in similar situation with alcoholic FIL. At the time had several police call outs but she still went back. The situation only resolved itself when he had lots of mini strokes and now he'a effectively a walking vegetable.
I think all you can do is protect the younger brother so when mil bf is violent call the police. Or as much as a pain as it may be offer to have the brother over when bf is coming around...at least the brother will be safe. Mil is an adult and can make her own choice to be around an abusive person but protection of the child is important.
In saying this try and understand how hard it is to leave an abusive person. Maybe a support group would help for both you and Mil. It is soooo much harder to leave someone you love even if they are abusive than people think. Again a support group may help with this.
You can't. She's not an idiot, she already knows and this is what she chooses. In your position I'd be talking to your husband about taking your BiL in permanently. One day when she wants help, absolutely be there for her but that has to be her call, you can't just make someone see what you want them to see.
The only person who really matters in this instance is your young BiL. No matter what you think of MIL, he needs stability and a loving home. If you're in a position to provide this, PLEASE do it. If you don't he may not end up in a good way.
You are clearly not able to help her, but you can save him. Find out what would need to do in order to take him in.
Sometimes someone needs to hit rock bottom before they understand what their doing to the ppl around them. I would be taking in the child and getting him out of that situation. Atleast he wont be at risk. Then youll just have to wait for her to hit rock bottom on her own.