Hey lovelies,
I'm just after others thoughts and suggestions.
My daughters dad booked a holiday the weekend of his visit and asked to change but I was unable to. He than didn't do his phone call when he was away. Than the week after his visit was an afternoon during the week. She said the day before he got extra hours and couldn't do the normal time. I offered a later one that day and two different times morning and afternoon on the weekend. These still didn't suit. He's now asking for me to make these up this week. I have so much on. My daughter has hospital appointment, surgery, I've got appointments booked on another day. I don't have time to do a make up visit. Fair enough if I didn't offer three different times but I've tried to accommodate something. His next visit is meant to be Christmas Day. I got a message saying he's now working that day and won't be able to do the time he will need later. I've asked for a specific time otherwise the visit may need to be the day before or after. I asked for confirmation of the time by 8pm tonight as i had worked Christmas Day out around his visit time. She doesn't go unsupervised before people write in about the there is DV orders and I'm doing what's best for our child in a shitty situation. I'm not going into that just know that it's not safe for her to go j supervised so I supervise contact. Due to Thinggs being closed Christmas Day I need to organise family to come to a park because he's mentioned taking her so I need to know a time from him.
Am I being unfair or unreasonable?
He's saying I need to make time to make his visit up from last week. He could've said no to the extra hours and done his visit when planned. Even at short notice (the day before the visit) I still
Offered up three solutions for him to still do that visit. I'm happy to work something out for Xmas day but I do need a time not waiting around for him to decided Now is good on the day.
What I'm wondering is am I being unreasonable like he's saying? I feel like I've given options for him to take and he hasn't. I changed my plans on day on the weekend to give him two seperate times that day yet he still said they didn't suit.
What am i doing wrong? Am I being fair?
Visit is this normal or am i being unfair?
Visit is this normal or am i being unfair?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Kids
11 Replies
Two separate issues. Firstly his visits, if hw didn't reschedule with notice and cant make any alternates then he loses out. No make up.
Christmas, i think two weeks is fair notice when your plans involve others and food.
I know its christmas and would find a time around your plans to get to see him, let him offer a few times and choose one.
Remember he had a time acheduled if he doesnt make it its not your issue.
Also remember dv comes with control and he will be pushing all boundaries.
I think ive read your post before and again i will strongly advise you arrange this so theres zero contact between you and him. It is the only way youll get through this and get to a place of peace where you can really start moving forward.
Good luck!
I have written in before. I'm looking at different options but ATM there isn't much I can do.
He messaged the afternoon before the visit. I offered three times later that day or 5-5:45 Sunday his response I'm on night shift can we do earlier. I than said 10:30-11 which didn't suit him.
He's not given between 4-5 on Xmas day but I need an actual time. Am I in my right to tell him a def start time? He hasn't even mentioned the fact that the fast food place is closed and hasn't asked for an alternative place.
He knows his visit days well in advance. It's always the same. He could have said no to the extra hours at short notice. If it was a court order there would be no make up.
I've just gotten a message telling me I will be available for what time suits him on Christmas Day and that its a joke I'm not free this week and hat a judge will see what I'm doing.
I've offered other times and have changed visits at short notice plenty. I've said no to changing one visit because i couldn't but I haven't said no to any other visits at all. He doesn't stick to his call times either he will miss them sometimes.
He's now saying he didn't say he couldn't do the later visit Sunday he goes you didn't read properly. He said I'm on night shift can we do earlier.
He just keeps saying shit to me when I feel like I'm always giving but getting shit back. He could make sure he's free at visit times instead of changing them constantly.
I just wasn't sure if I was doing something wrong. He always makes me doubt myself.
Love this ia communication with dv. Twisting blaming they cant organise a pissup in a brewery and at the laat minute ita everyone elses fault.
Hes gaslighting and abusing you still.
Youre still spending a lot of time second guessing yourself because hes saying youre this and that.
You know whats right. You know he chose not to maks the visits. He chose to take extra work. He should bebending over backwards to make it clear and simple with you. Hes not. You know youre right. Stick to it.
This sounds like he is being controlling. You've offered him other alternatives, he hasn't taken them. That's on his shoulders, not yours.
His long message just ended with
You will make yourself available for her to see her dad.
Seriously what the hell!
I'd just be telling him straight. You have changed your times so often that I will not be changing my plans for Christmas Day. You will either be availiable at the time that was previously arranged or you will not see her at all. Then get yourself into see a mediator and get mediation started again if it's been done before. He's trying to control you and that's not on. Tell him you are not going out of your was to appease him as he could have rejected the extra hours and stuck to the plan. Keeping your child availiable and ruining your own plans is not a viable option.
You are not only reasonable but far too patient. Give him options, give him a deadline, tell him no negotiation will be entered into and if you don't hear from him by said deadline, you will make your own plans accordingly. Abusive men always make you feel like it is your fault and make you doubt yourself, please DON'T!!
Thanks I thought I was being fair. I've tried the deadline and he doesn't do it. And than I'm worried if I don't do something at short notice it'll look bad on me.
He said a blind person and judge will see just what your trying to do because I won't do a make up this week after I offered 3 options. ?
It's seriously getting ridiculous he knows his visit times it's been the same for months now after I had enough of getting messages the day before I could never plan anything
He is bullshitting you, a blind judge will side with you. A judge will make him have set times and places with no negotiation, so too bad for him if something comes up!
Plus he will probably never take you to court, these guys avoid judges for obvious reasons!
Thanks. He's been threatening it on and off for nearly two years. I'm trying my best to be fair but it's getting harder because he can't bloody stick to times and gets shitty when I've got my own plans on days he's free like my life should resolve around him! I need to plan things and have a life too.
That's it if it was a court order it would be too bad you can't do that visit you miss out yet he thinks I'm being unreasonable cuz I'm not doing everything he wants.
Thanks for the support ?
Please don't spend your life not making plans or waiting around for him, your job is to ensure your child is available for scheduled visits. If it is convenient, he came make up times with the options you give. Go live your life and please don't let him bluff you about a judge and even if something major happened and he got more custody, he wouldn't want it anyway and would flake and not show as he does now. Instead of listening to him, think about it from a reasonable and rational point of view, I totally get where you are at, these guys are so manipulative you start to believe their ridiculous crap, sometimes sadly, I think they believe it too.