Hi there,
I'm not sure what to do. I am confused.
Long story, I will try and make it short. So, my what I call my "birth mother" didn't want me (and my sister) when i was young, just before my 5th birthday she called my grandfather and told him to come and get us as she couldn't raise us. My dad raised us from that point on (with my mum (Step mum but consider her my mum). My dad has told me that there was a time that my birth mother wanted to try and get us back but he fought that she was unstable and he won.
I am not sure how true that is though...
Well, my mum passed away 7 years ago now, 4 wks before my first was born, 6 years ago, my dad moved on and found/married another woman, which all i can do is support even though i kinda dont agree with. now they have a 5r old and another one on the way. But back to it, about 8 years ago, my birth mother got in contact with me, and even though i was hard, i decided to talk to her, it was good to start with, every 3rd day we would talk and it was good. but then, she was stalking me (even though she lives so far away) she would call me every day, and then she started calling me a work..for no reason as well. just to talk.
I then told her, that this wouldn't work, that i didnt feel comfortable. she proceeded to send me a letter saying ask your dad who your real dad is.... i was shocked. I spoke with both my dad and my mum and was told that she was bullshitting to me. and that no-one else would be my dad. so I stopped talking to my birth mother, ignored the letter and moved on. Well now in 2014, my sister now has 2 daughters of her own now, and recently added me on facebook, we had a falling out about 10 years ago and she moved away to get away from the family. my sister has also got our birth mother on her facebook friends list. My sister has been adding a heap of photos of the girls which is great, but what is getting to me is that my birth mother keeps commenting on them and sharing the photos with her friends and "showing them off" and yes I am getting jealous. I have a moment where I stop and wonder if I should leave the past in the past and try again with my birth mother, but then i am reminded of the pain, the hurt, that she gave us up to start with ) even though days are bad sometimes with my kids, i could not imagine gving them up EVER. I'm not sure what to do. My kids don't know about my "birth mother" from what they know, my mum passed away. so they have know that part yet, dont want to tell them till they are a bit older so that they can understand the situation better. (they are only 7,5 & 3).
I just don't know what to do.... any suggestions/ideas/helpful words???? Sorry it was very very long.
Not sure what I should do - any suggestions/ideas/helpful words?
Not sure what I should do - any suggestions/ideas/helpful words?
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt
4 Replies
My first thing I would suggest to you, is to go on your gut feelings. Also as hard as it may be to begin with, try not to continue being jealous over the fb photo comments and sharing, that may eat away at you and its unhealthy. I can understand you being wary of your birth mother especially after previous behaviour. A lot of time has gone by and whilst some people have characteristics that never change, she may have matured a lot and realized that she didn't go about things the right way. As you said, you called off the communication for valid reasons, perhaps she needs you to take the first step in reconnecting. There could be a number of reasons she hasn't tried again with you, just one for example (fear of rejection), maybe she has wanted to reconnect with you, but can't bring herself too. Every situation needs a hero - it may help you heal to reconnect and at the end of the day, if you feel uncomfortable or things are like they were before, you can say you gave it a go without wondering 'what if?' I do have a suggestion for your own healing, perhaps check out some crystals, to help release old hurt and anger. Pick out some you are drawn to the most - that is usually what we need! I know it's different, but you never know what may work! I hope you are able to take away something positive from my reply, I haven't been in your position but I wish you the very best. Positive thinking is what we send out to the universe! xx
Ohh I feel your pain!! My parents had a horrible divorce when I was 14 with my dad threatening to kill my brothers and I multiple times, yet my brothers (16 & 18) still went with him. My mum and I moved away and my brothers wouldn't communicate. Long story short, I didn't contact my father for about 6 or 8 years until I had my son, when I started communicating with him again. My mum was always supportive. When I has pregnant with my daughter I went and saw my dad and he went crazy because I stayed with my aunt, threatened to kill my brother and I vowed never to see or speak to him again. A couple of months later (6 weeks before my daughter was born) my mum died. Now I go through this same thing you do, I want to have a relationship with my father but I don't want the pain he causes, I don't want to subject my kids to his crazy antics either but then again, I want my kids to know their uncles and grandfather. My oldest brother is fine now and we communicate and see each other but the other brother is non communicative. For me, I am trying to be strong and keep reminding myself of the pain and reminding my self that just because he is my blood doesn't mean I have to like him or be friends with him. I know in my heart that one day I will probably try again, not only for my sake but also for my brothers. I think you need to go with what you feel at the time then set ground rules if you do start communicating again. Good luck x
Hi there hun, 1st of all big hugs. Dealing with multiple family members is hard (im adopted so i know the juggling act)
I guess the best thing for me when getting in touch with the birth family was no face book with anyone.
As we got to know each other we added each other and I can understand the "over sharing" of other family members but in the end maybe your birth mum is just generally excited that she can share her "grand kids" off to her friends I know mine is as they are the only ones she has.
I honestly think you are jealous and maybe deep down you want to fix your relationship, what I advise is maybe meet up just the two of you, talk things over get every thing out sort out yourself b4 you involve the kids although they tend to deal with things a lot better than adults
mine know about and have frequently met my birth family which is rather complicated ( birth parent divorced remarried and in fathers case remarried again) but if you have questions I am willing to talk just let me know
Remember you made a decision, to protect your own feelings (and your families) & to keep someone who wasn't adding value to your life out...you have shown exceptional strength by doing so, don't falter now. I have been in your situation and every time I chose to let my manipulative, absentee parent back the same thing happened. I went to lots of expensive life coaching & counciling & the best advice I got was to think of yourself as the small child you were when that parent abandoned you, your job is to protect that child...would you let that child communicate again & welcome the negative emotions etc, protect your inner child at all times. My sister maintained a relationship with my father & I chose not to (although I went back & forth during my twenties) & she has been manipulated, let down, bullied & blackmailed emotionally...I experienced jealousy when things were good between them but know it is best for me & my family to keep away & not have to deal with the bad! Good luck, be strong!