Should I respect my partners wishes and not give my sons bio dad any pictures or updates of my son ?
My partner has raised my son since birth, he has an amazing bond with my son and he is amazing for everything he does for him. Bio Dad signed over sole parental responsibility over to me.
When Bio dad did that his only request was for yearly updates and photos, just so he knows my son is well etc.
I think that is fine and want to remain on respectful terms with Bio Dad but my partner says he is my sons only Dad and that bio Dad doesn't deserve any updates or pictures and is really negative when I tell him I've talked to Bio Dad.
My partners last comments were, as soon as I have enough money I will adopt him and then legally I will be his only father.
So do I respect my partners wishes or is it okay to send yearly updates to bio dad? Should I see it from my partners side? Help
10 Replies
Hmm I would send the updates personally. He may not mentally be well enough to help raise your son but your son is still half of him. I really think your partner got off VERY lucky if that's all he is asking for.
No you should not respect your partners wishes at all. Your partner needs to grow up and realise he doesn't own a child. You need to put your foot down. While it's lovely he has stepped up etc he can't dictate the terms of this arrangement.
Even if he was allowed to adopt your son (in this country step parent adoption is rare), the courts will want to know that your child will retain 'links' to his bio family. So he will never be your sons only father.
I can see how he might be hurt or put out by this, but he needs to find a way to deal with the jealousy. As a PP said, your partner doesn't own him. He gets to be with him every day, do all the Dad things. The Bio Dad, who obviously cared enough that he wanted to know his son was okay but knew his limitations as well, deserves to have what he's asked for - updates. And your son deserves to know the truth, for that matter, when he's old enough, if he doesn't already.
Perhaps continue to send the yearly updates etc but tell your partner you're not going to bring it up any more. Don't lie to him, make sure he knows you're doing it, but don't tell him when you've talked to BD.
No you shouldnt and he needs to learn about parenting for the child not for himself.
What youre doing ia right that man will always be the kids bio dad and the kid will want to know one day. Its something that hes had photos and updated yearly and too bad your partner is threatened by that
Yes i think you should respect his wishes. If you go behind his back and send photos it will cause trust issues and end in fights and tears.
You and your partner are raising a child equally. That means you both get equal say.
However, it needs to be discussed. He needs to listen to your side and you listen to him and you both need to COMPROMISE.
Its definately a situation that needs a solution.
Also you need to put your partners feelings above your ex's.
(Btw personally i dont see the harm at all in sending a few photos, and i think its a lovely thing to do, but its you and your partner who need to find a happy-medium here)
Im sorry but yes you should respect your partners wishes. Your ex didnt want (for whatever reason) to be a father. Your partner is the one thats been there for your son. When your son is old enough to make that decision then yes you AND your partner needs to respect that. My husband has been in my 2 kids lives since they were 1 and 2yo and are now teenagers. They know he is not their bd. I do not talk about their father unless they bring it up themselves which they never do. When I was contacted by their bd i asked them if they wanted me to update him and they both said no.
I don't think photos are the core issue here... I get that your partner is protective of the child that he has raised as his own but kids usually want to know where they come from anyway. What happens when your child is old enough to realise he has a choice to locate/meet his bio father? I would uphold my end of the bargain and send updates but respect his wishes if he did not want to know about any contact you do have with the bio dad - if only due to the sensitivity he has in the matter. Good luck...
I don't think there is anything wrong with Keeping the bio dad updated and your current partner doesn't actually have to be involved in it. Send bio dad a school photo each year with a basic letter on what your son has done for the year and send it at Christmas time. No need for phone calls or anything like that. You need bio dad in the wings incase there's a need for family information cancer, blood type, other genetic diseases, in case the child needs a blood transfusion, or something to that extent. im not saying it will happen but always good to have them in the wings for a just in case situation. If you keep the contact minimal, don't give too many details of your own life, keep him updated but with the least amount of effort. Your current partner although he is raising him isn't going to have all the data you need, it's not like you are trying to replace him either. Your just trying to do what's right. When your child is old enough to understand or if he already knows may become curious and if you make it so he doesn't know anything he may resent you both. My Dad hates my bio dad and hates that I have anything to do with him, since he in no way raised me. But for me it's just keeping the lines of communication just in case. My bio dad will never ever replace my dad. The man that raised me, was the only dad I needed. However I am my bio dad's only child so I would eventually like to know if he's keeled over or still kicking it with the rest of us. Just food for thought.
Sorry, I agree with all the comments - but I actually think that there might be another reason for the angst. Is it because you are in actual contact with him - why do you need to speak to the ex. Why cant the updates be done without you having a conversation with him. Perhaps the issue for your current partner is that it is not just yearly updates - its a conversation and maybe a little bit of a commentary from you. Perhaps you current partner does not feel in control of the situation. Get your current partner involved - maybe get a postal address instead and explain to your ex that you think and agree this yearly verbal contact is obviously causing him some stress so you would like to make it less personal. Perhaps you can pick the photos and he can write a short page of milestones to add to a letter and you can post it to your ex. Then when he adopts him officially - he can add this as a mile stone. Maybe this is a good compromise for him and may make him feel like he is not inching his way back in every year. Just a thought.
I'm seeing both sides here.
The father signed away rights of his child, for whatever reason. Why would he want photos when he doesn't even want to be a part of his life? Sounds like he was pretty much just a sperm donor.
The other side i see is your son will one day know about bio dad and possibly want to meet him. So yearly updates would be good so they have something to bond over when they first meet (if they do).
You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd try and get the partner to compromise and meet him half way.