Hi IM's
I found something out on the weekend that has cut me to the core.
My partner stayed out one night over the weekend and said he wasn't coming home because he was out drinking and partying with mates (this in itself sent warning signs to me as he always comes home).
I had a gut feeling something bad was going to happen as the guy he was out with is gay and thought he might of hit on my partner but I never thought he would have done anything!! But I found out that my partner had oral sex with this guy. Yes, I know he cheated and that itself has hurt me so much but Christmas is around the corner, he gets on so well with my son and he is also involved in my parents business, so cutting ties becomes a lot more complicated.
We have spoken a lot and discussed what happened (he was drunk and high!) and I can tell he is completely remorseful. Is he remorseful and disgusted in himself because he sees himself as straight but then acted in a gay sexual act or because he cheated on me? I honestly don't know, he of course says it's both.
I have spoken to him and said if at any point you start watching gay porn to get yourself off or start thinking of other guys or not feeling attracted to me, to make sure he talks to me. I have told him that if he identifies himself as gay or bisexual to tell me as I don't care BUT I do care if he acts on those feelings and cheats on me again!
I want to work past this and he has already promised to me that he understands how his actions have hurt us so much and will not touch drugs and limit his alcohol consumption to the absolute minimum and has already block this guy on his phone and FB and told him he regrets his actions, it should have never happened and never to speak to him again. This other guy also knew he had a girlfriend.
My question is, is it really possible that this is a one-off occurrence because of the state he was in? Or is it possible that he may identify as gay/bisexual?
Please be kind with your words, I don't want to leave him, I want to try and work past this. I just would like to know if anyone has been in this situation and how it has worked out for you. Obviously if he is gay, I want to help and support him in every way possible to help him come out to friends and family.
Edit - he was working and was having a 'knock off' drink with the boys which turned into more than just a couple of drinks. He told me that he wished he came home when I asked him to (early hours of the morning) as nothing had happened up to that point and was only after I spoke with him and asked him to come home but he was having too much of a good time and didn't want to come home.
13 Replies
He said he wouldn't be coming home and that for you rang 'alarm bells'. Sounds to me like it was pre meditated. I personally wouldn't put up with any kind of cheating. I don't think this was an 'accident' or 'mistake'. You're obviously going to stay so I guess all you can do is forgive and move past it and hope to god it doesn't happen again. Best of luck.
Another thought - make sure he gets an STD test as this can happen from oral sex.
1. Drug taking
2. Promiscuous homosexual behaviour
3. Partying with a gay friend
Sorry, doesn't sound like he is new to this rodeo.
Protect your health and make sure you use condoms. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, that's fine but I'm sure now you have your eyes open, you won't miss any red flags if any pop up along the way.
Def must be bi, this is not normal behaviour of heterosexual men. Good luck.
Firstly get him STI checked. I'd say do that whether it was with a man or a woman. No bias as I have a gay son. If you're going to stay with him you don't want to make things worse by contracting something.
Next. I don't think it makes him gay. I watch porn on occasion. Sometimes I watch two girls getting it on. I'm not gay! I LOVE men! I wouldn't ever be with a woman I just appreciate watching. I also have a friend who is married with a kid. He admitted to me once the best head job he ever got was from a gay guy. He too was drunk and high when he received the head job! He wasn't raped though. He gave consent. He obviously enjoyed it but he isn't gay so never went further or with another man again. He loves women. He was just feeling adventurous. He was however, a single person at the time so not hurting anyone's feelings.
So your boyfriend cheated. Drunk and high he still made the choice. I've been drunk and high before and your inhibitions lessen but you're still making choices. I'll never take that as an excuse from someone. He has his work cut out for him. Maybe counseling is worth a shot.
At the end of the day it all comes down to trust.
I read an article that said most women (heterosexual) prefer lesbian porn due to the fact that it focuses on the enjoyment of women whereas main stream porn is geared towards the enjoyment of men and usually degrades the woman.
" its christmas soon and hes in my kids life and tied into my family" yes. Leaving is hard. Thats not a reason to stay. I think you know you want to stay so youre trying to convince yourself its an ok decision.
Hes gay. And a sleazy cheater.
The more time that goes before you eventually leave is just more time on the wrong path and stopping yourself from getting on the right path for you.
Maybe just decide next time youll go no excuses.dont foeget he also has all these valuable things in his mind when he chooses to keep it or stray.
Omg I'd love to have coffee with you as I'm going through the same stuff with my partner, my partners behaviour has got me thinking his at least bi but each time I bring it up he walks off accusing me of wanting to start a fight, I swear it's denial but I have no one to talk about it with... Good luck mumma it eats away at you to be honest
He isn't gay. Gay people don't sleep with the opposit sex. The sex life of a gay person hiding their sexuality would also be very little sex in a heterosexual relationship. He may have done it being drunk and high. He may have tried it out of curiosity. I personally think bi guys are hot as, however that is not the question. As for porn I personally prefer to watch gay porn as opposed to porn with women in it. I get irritated listening to the chicks and their fake moans. Much prefer the raw sex of 2 men.
My hubby and I are in an open relationship. We have also been swingers and have played where another guy gave hubby a head job. He didn't not enjoy it but at the same time it wasn't like me giving him one or another female.
I have also recently played with a chick. I am not lesbian or bi. I was merely experimenting as I had never done it.
As a result I have decided chicks are not for me yet was worth trying out. Ur hubby may feel the same.
This actually reads to me that you care more that he might be gay than the fact he cheated on you!!!
This is why there's still so much stigma about people 'coming out' to friends and family.... and why so many men feel ashamed with their sexuality, pushed to the point of even suicides!
HE CHEATED ON YOU! He was unfaithful. It does not matter with whom it was.
Would you of left him if he did sexual acts with a female instead?
Maybe have a look at theories on continuum of sexuality. This means that there is a sliding scale that people can move up and down based on their sexual preferences, it's fluid, can change and avoids labels
That being said, he's not naive. Drug taking, drinking, and not coming home to me don't sound like he got caught up in a moment.... even if he did all those things were choices he made leasing to a final outcome
I think if he's embarrassed, in trouble, feel his relationship is at risk, he's hardly going to share his true feelings on his sexuality
Well said and well I still can't get my partner to be honest about his sexuality ( I think his bi and I've been questioning it for 4 yrs and am considering leaving, not cause his bi but due to his denial when honestly the porn he watches whilst alone is gay,bi, she make, if he wants me to talk dirty it's about him playing with dick, I've found texts of him asking a mate for cock pics and our sex life is almost non existent, if he doesn't get off then he walks out and calls his "mate".... To me his in denial and not wanting to come out due to fear of judgment and I'm over feeling like I'm not "good enough" and the odd occasion he goes down on me I swear he wishes I had a dick ( he has asked me to get a strap on at one point )
Whether he was gay would be the least of my concerns. He cheated on you!
Get yourself tested for STI's, you don't know if it's the first and only time. Honestly I would be out of there. Once a cheat, always a cheat in my opinion. im sorry if that sounds harsh but I have been there. It's heartbreaking to find out the person you love has betrayed you, my ex husband did it over and over. My ex boyfriend did too.
Get yourself some counselling, you deserve so much better and so does your son. Good luck
Would you be as forgiving if a girl gave him a blowy? It's almost as if you already knew he is gay. Do what you need to do.