Trigger warning.
I don't even know how I feel anymore. I am angry. I am sad. I am defeated.
I don't know who I am, I never have. I just wish I was never born. All I ever known is anger and abuse and now I finally have a chance to move forward and I can't do it. I feel pathetic.
I have no support network. My mother supports my rapist brother rather than me despite knowing I have suffered from sexual abuse my entire life by the hands of multiple people including him, all because he cries that everything is a lie and he wants to kill himself. He is a narsicistic pig. I haven't confronted my mother because I am too scared of ruining Christmas for everyone so I am waiting until after Christmas, but it doesn't stop me from feeling lonely and worthless. No one gets it. No one checks up on me. Even the people who know everything, the people who know how crappy the police process is. No one. Not even my partner checks in about it. He doesn't even care when I cry half the time because it's always over the same stuff.
8, that's how many people have raped and abused my in my 21 years of life. 8. Do you know how many people have made me feel truly supported and stood up for me, stood by me no matter how much of a mess I am? 1. And she is paid to do it.
Then after all these years I finally start the police process only to be told that there's a fair chance it wont even go to court because there's no real evidence so I have to just sit and wait and hope that people don't side with the perpitators, which they usually do. So now I wont even feel safe in my hometown incase people want to hurt me or humilate me for being a "liar"
I slipped up and self harmed recently for the first time in years and I couldn't tell anyone because no one understands, not even my partner, he didn't even believe that I had depression, anxiety or PTSD and told me it was all in my head until I told him I had been officially diagnosed.
I feel like an awful mother because I don't have the patience to raise my children with the love that they deserve. Even if I turn my life around and do something with it, I will still be haunted for the rest of my life with panic, anxiety, flashbacks, trust issues. Everything. I would have rather they killed me once they were finished using me.
I don't even know what I'm asking for, I guess I just want someone to know how I feel.
2 Replies
In a situation this bad all I can say is you need to start a new life and move away from that town and away from all the people that harm you. Please start counselling and taking steps to move and don't look back
Complex PTSD. Look it up and then find someone who specialises in the treatment of it. Also see if there is a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group you can attend in your area. Some mental health services offer free groups - talk to your local mental health service to see if they can help you.
You've had a shit go of it so far but you're young and life will get better now you're an adult and can be more in control of things like where you live, who you live with and your finances. Try to focus on the areas of your life that you can control.
Dealing with intra familial abuse is so, so hard. You will need to work through (in therapy) whether you can remain in contact with your family or if it's easier and safer for you/your mental health to cut contact while you recover. Recovering from abuse is extra hard, near impossible, when you're constantly being triggered by being around perpetrators and the people who didn't protect you when they should have.
Know that sexual abuse is never your fault. Stay strong and use any helpful skills (drawing, journaling, exercise, deep breathing, meditation) you have learned over the years to self soothe instead of self harming. If you do self harm, be safe and make sure you get medical attention if things get dangerous/out of hand.
Know that people can and do recover from horrific traumas, like what you've experienced. It will take a long time and some wounds will never fully heal but things will definitely improve. Think three steps forward, two steps back. Be kind to yourself. You're a survivor.
Good luck.