Ive got an 11 year old daughter who i had when i was 15.. her father and i obviously didnt last, but remained friends.
She's always gone over to his house every second weekend.
I moved onto another relationship when she was 2.. fast forward the years and i went on to get married and have more children.
My husband loves her like his own and has helped me raise her and her siblings.
But she told my brother today something thats gotten me really upset.. she told him that she wants to stay with her father full time and doesnt mind if she doesnt see any of us ever again and that she hates her siblings!
(Who are still very small)
The horrifying thing about it, is that it wasnt out of spite, she wasnt mad.
In this house, my husband and i are strict but fair.
You know the usual deal, homework, a good bed time, spend quality time outside, not too much electronics time, have to do chores (that we give pocket money for) and we spoil them when they've really been good.
But her father.
He lives with his aunt and uncle, who he pays board to.
When she is in his care.. there are no rules. No siblings to contend or be bothered with. He literally bends to her every whim.
She has realized a long time ago how fun and awesome it is to live with Dad.
And i know thats not her fault, come on.. every kid would rather choose a 'fun' parent over one with rules.
But i think, dude.. you're making our daughter hate me, her step-daddy and siblings because of her more enjoyable life over there!
Ive tried to NICELY approach him with this in the past, only to be told that i need to butt out.. i understand that i cant control what they do.
Hes the type of person who doesnt really care about anything unless it affects him directly.
But this is seriously affecting the relationships that this girl has with the rest of the household and i dont know what to do anymore!
And i cant exactly tell her that the reason why its so awesome over there is because her daddy is just a big kid!
And yes, i know it sounds petty but i do boil internally because he didnt really do much to actually raise and support her, (though that doesnt make me any less grateful that he was in her life at all) and she likes him and hates me for all the wrong reasons! HHmphff!
I dont want to wait years for her to eventually find out that although dad was fun and awesome, she cant come to him with her problems because he aint got no time for that and then hate him for it.
And i cant exactly stop her from seeing him.
He IS a nice guy, although very lazy and selfish with the the way he does things and i dont want to go cray-cray on him because it wont solve anything.
Please, what do i do?
It feels like im in an impossible situation.
4 Replies
I am in the same position only my kids are young but i do fear this coming later. He shows up and is fun and rich (broke and spends money he shouldnt on them and everything else) they dont see the whole him.
I think all you can do is love her. Even if she lives there. Even if she finds she cant talkto him. Be there in that time. Build your relationship on love not on amount of time spent together.
try to make time to be with her, just you and her. Start laying the foundations and hopefully she'll stay but if she goes, you wont lose her.
Try to put the focus on your relationship with her, don't look to her relationship with her dad as the cause. Your situation is probably no different to any other family (where parents are together) where there is one older sibling and 2 young ones. Changing the way he parents isn't going to help, you need to look at what is going on in your own home, that is the only thing you can control. You have young children, which is time consuming, maybe you need to do some daughter mummy activities to reconnect and bond. You know, more adult type things, like getting your nails done, hanging out in your bedroom putting on makeup, letting her stay up a bit later and just chatting and giggling about the latest pop stars or whatever she is in to. She may be going through that preteen time where she probably needs that extra love and attention and she is probably going to say lots of hurtful things, she is probably getting that preteen attitude, we all love to hate! I'm sorry, I don't know you and you may already be doing this stuff, these are just suggestions. It's soooo hard to give advice when we don't know you or your daughter, I wish not to offend you, just trying to give you some ideas. My son is younger than your daughter but I may go through the same in the next few years. Good luck.
I just wanted say I really feel for you. You sound like a great mum who loves her children. That's all we can do in the end, and loving them doesn't always mean that they'll like us 100% of the time. Raising kids is hard and boundaries need to be set. It's sounds horrible now but I can promise you she'll love you for it later and be a better human being too. You are a good mum, just focus on your relationship with her not her dads.
This is also a bit of a developmental stage that girls go through at this age even when the parents are together. I remember going through this with my mum. I felt my mum was uncool and hero worshipped my dad. Luckily my Dad pulled me up on it quick smart!
My niece is now trying the same thing, just similar age. It's also quite common to worship the absentee parent.
You are lucky in a way, as although dad likes being the cool dad he sounds too selfish to want to do day to day parenting so is unlikely to want your daughter fulltime.
Just focus on your relatiobship with your daughter. Make sure she gets time with you one on one. Maybe it's time for a girls weekend or similar?