After having to walk away from my phone and having a serious regroup so I didn't absolutely lose it, I feel compelled to voice myself. In regard to a post I read yesterday re: Stepmum and her machete wielding, brick throwing 11 year old stepson, I have so much to say but I'll keep it as brief as I can.
Whilst this is a wonderful supportive community, I'd like to point out that sometimes your attempts at support can often be as hurtful as a negative comment. When an IM writes in to thousands of strangers seeking advice for her (in this case) 11 yo stepson who has tried to attack her with a machete and bricks and dad isn't on board with discipline/acceptable behaviour, she's beyond gummy bears, gold stars and positive encouragement. She's desperate and has most likely run out of ideas and is feeling very lost. To suggest these things HURTS. Wayyyyy past reward charts!! Maybe a great idea for the terrible twos and the threenagers, but an already medicated, violent pre teen...... come on guys wtf. Unless you can speak from experience with similar age/diagnosis/events and outcome, you're suggestions probably hurt more than you could ever know. They hurt me to read......
The second point I'd like to make, coming from a former full time step parent to an ASD child. When exactly was it that our lives, mental health, safety and safety of our other children became SO inferior to that of a child with complex needs?
Were there! We signed up for that. We chose to! But at what point does our safety come in to it?
Being a step parent is hard, being a step parent to a child with complex needs is FUCKING HARD, and if you ask me, an extremely VALUABLE gift.
To that IM, your safety and health (emotionally and physically) is important to me and I wish someone would have been there to tell me that when I was in a position similar to yours. Same goes to any mum, dad,stepmum, stepdad. You're important and you matter!
I could go on.
Look after yourselves too.
IM if dad can't get on the same page re discipline and treatments etc and what is and is NOT acceptable behaviour from one human being to another, regardless of their age, issues and where they come into any family dynamic then please, please do not hesitate to remove yourself and any other children from the situation. You are no less valuable than any other person on this Earth. Trust me when I tell you that I understand.
7 Replies
I agree!!
As a single mum with a now adult son with extremely high care needs, there is no way you would find me allowing a step parent to take on the bulk of my child's care needs. NO WAY. The number of times I have been frightened for these step mums and horrified at dads hands off nature.
There also seems to be a lack of supports in place for these kids from professionals. Behavioural psychs, OTs etc can all make a huge differs ex in conjunction with meds and its Dads respinsibility to make sure that stuff happens.
Step parents and there children have a right to be safe and if step mum wasn't in the picture Dad would have no choice but to plug back in to the child's life. Just because he is a male doesn't give him a free pass to drop the ball to a step parent.
Personally I would have taken my kids and run in the post you describe. And that comes from a mum whose child has had some extremely violent outbursts over the years! I won't allow my nieces, nephews etc to visit when my son has been having a bad time of it. I have friends who have sent siblings to live at grandmas for there safety, so for me this is a no brainer. So this comes from a place of understanding.
I haven't been in this situation, but I also felt the same!! Like seriously, band aid for a bullet wound, even some that say change of diet, like seriously, this is complex and severe mental health issues. Adults with bipolar, schizophrenia etc. aren't told by the psychiatrists, cut out sugar, reward yourself. I'm also a single mum and I would walk and never subject my child to that violence, it is no different to having a violent partner. Love this post, well said!! I hope the IM does what is right for her and her children.
Great post!
Excellent post!
I read the post you're talking about but didn't comment as I had nothing to offer. Im a mother and a step mother with all the kids ranging in age from 9 to 23. However, I've not had any experience with the violence described in the post.
I hope the IM is ok. Pretty terrible situation.
I was the one that wrote in about step son. I love him don't get me wrong but when is enough enough? He has recently been taking off to school 1 hour before school starts praying on other people's parents for food because I haven't packed his lunchbox by the time he leaves and the school has been informed of this but yet it's still hopeless. I'm lost as to what to do and I feel like him taking a break with another family for a while might be the best option. Docs will help if dad signs over his parental rights but he refuses. I'm 90% of his parenting day to day and cop all of the abuse. I'm honestly done with it all.
Communicate with the father! Tell him he needs to get his shit together! This isn't fair on you or your other children. I have been the step mother (no special needs) and it's safe to say we have no contact at all despite her father and I still being together many years later (do not want to go into detail but things got bad enough that I gave an ultimatum!). My son's half sibling and step sibling both have 'special needs' and I fear every time he has to go due to violent outbursts from them both and the lack of discipline in that household. No advice really other then keep you and your other children safe and if dad doesn't want to get on board leave him high and dry to figure this shit out on his own!! Fairs fair!!
Yes yes yes!