Hi IM's
My friend has just found out she's unexpectedly pregnant (she was on the pill, he also used a condom). Their relationship was very brief & has ended amicably. He knows she is pregnant & wants to be involved. We live in a rural town & she wants to move back to the coast to be with family, better job prospects post-birth. I've told her that she needs to consider the rights of the Dad & it's not as simple as just putting her stuff up for sale & starting afresh. I've also told her that Family Court take this very seriously. Anyone got any advice?
Rights of unborn baby to have both parents involved.
Rights of unborn baby to have both parents involved.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Pregnancy
17 Replies
Get her to speak to a community lawyer or legal aid.
I can understand why she wants to be close to family but she needs to negotiate that with the babies father and understand the laws.
At the end of the day she is going to do what she is going to do.
I believe shr can move anywere while pregnant. If he wants to be involved he will have to makr it happen, many dads dont bother when the mum doesnt help them. So you could be worrying about nothing. Or he could get visits, then the mum might have to deal with hrr baby traveling or she could choose to move back again. Thats far in the future i think having family and support right now is much more important for her.
And its smart to do it whilr that option is still open to her. After the baby comes he can stop her or make it really hard for her - and still not be involved!
My advice is to support her look after herself. And if she decides to move back, support her. Or if shes sad her baby leaves her, support her. Or if shes struggling because shes doing it alone and hes not much in the picture support her. Nobody needs a friend that knows bettrr and judges their decisions. Single parenting and coparenting is HARD. Theyll work it out bit how that works out to be is not for you to say.
Tell her to move now, before she has the baby, if she waits until it is born, she could have difficulties getting permission. Having a baby when you are single it so tough emotionally, she needs her family, her unconditional support network at this time. He says he wants to be involved, who even knows what that means yet? He could meet a new partner next week and want nothing to do with her. She needs those she can rely on at this time and better job prospects as a single mum is sooooo important, you can't rely on child support and governemt payments for one child are not a lot. If he steps up to the plate when baby is born, that's great, they can negotiate visitation etc. he may even consider moving as he can see she can parent better on a decent wage and family around her.
He can't control her actions while pregnant. She can move now just fine.
She can move with no legal issues whatsoever while pregnant, it's after the baby is born that it becomes harder. If she wants to move, support her! She needs her family right now.
What horrible answers "move now while he has no rights" "the baby isn't born so he can't say anything".
You are all in support of making it difficult for the child to have a close relationship with their father & have no care for him as a parent. Thank god the OP is consideting both parents options.
This group may be called "Imperfect Mums" however it is a platform for ALL parents so how about we support the rights of ALL parents.
I hope this woman sits down and talks with the father and discuss options. Tell her to speak to him about why it's beneficial for her to be around her family and in a location that has better job opportunities after birth, he may be super supportive!! She won't know until she actually talks to him!
Also if she decides to move away he can insist that she cover his travel costs because she was the one that moved not him so there is that to consider.
Get her to talk to a lawyer/legal office about how to handle the situation and what each parents rights are.
I would also strongly suggest she pass that knowledge onto the child's father
If they seperated amicably then they should be able to sit down and have a good discussion about it. Find out what the father is thinking beacuse without getting his thoughts on it then everyone is just assuming.
Yes he may not be involved down the track but who's to say she will be a fantastic mother? stop prejudging the father.
I am sorry it came across like that, I certainly didn't mean the father has no rights. I guess what we are all saying is, the baby isn't here yet, the number one priority right now is the single pregnant woman's emotional and mental health and well being. When the baby is born, that's a whole different story, I am sure all the responders believe that an interested and caring dad should be given a right to a relationship with their children. As he is not her partner, I just feel he couldn't give her the emotion support she needs like having a husband or partner. It's a pretty scary feeling being pregnant all alone and right now we just want what is best for her. As I said, once she gets through the pregnancy, she definitely should be negotiating and working out with the ex a positive way to move forward for all a three parties.
Was waiting for this kind of comment. Its sad that you think the fathers rights mean the MOTHER putting herself second to him to enable him to parent. It most certainly does not!!
her looking after herself does nothing to affect his ability to parent if he chooses.this woman should NOT be pressured to put herself second to him and cut off her own opportunities. Theres plenty of time stop with the drama and pressure and pushing your own preconceived ideas of whats 'right' and just support her. And if dad writes in guess what il tell him how to father too. By himself! without asking the mum for anything, let alone to defer her whole lifestyle and support system, to help him to fulfil his 'rights'.
And no, i would never ever advise anybody cut off your whole rest of life options on a hope on an ex.
Keep options open and things can always change if they prove over time to work out. If they dont then she wont be miserable alone resentful and stuck.
Guilting and shaming a pregnant woman into making that choice because of your ow n judgment is what is horrible.
She is allowed to move! It is not wrong! If you think it is that horrible better you just stay away from her.
She won't be made to cover costs because she moves. That would only happen after the baby is born and if he 'let' her I guess. The baby is nothing at the moment in the eyes of the law. She can do what ever she wants and it's in my opinion she should leave now while she can.
I am stuck in a crappy town with nothing for me. No family, low paying job, because I moved for the person I thought I'd spend my life with. 1 month after moving he left me for a work colleague, and now he will not let me move home. So yes I believe it's in the best interests of everyone if the children and the primary care giver are in a stable environment. It's her life and her choices. Not yours
She should move before the baby is born and establish herself, house, job and family support. A judge is not going to make her move back from all the baby has known (family, friends, house). Court takes a lot of time and money. She should definitely agree to the father coming to visit but I would be getting out of that rural town quick smart because once the baby is born the father would have rights to keep the baby near him.
Goodluck
As long as its within the same state there is no reason why she couldnt move at any stage of the child's life.
Actually she needs an excellent support network and sounds like she has that where she wants to move to. There is no reason why the father couldnt move too or things can be arrange so the baby and father can have a meaningful realtionship after baby is born. From what you said she isn't moving to avoid the father or keep the baby from the father. Shes moving to have family support and opportunities which would be better for the baby, than the mum being stuck unhappy somewhere with limited support and opportunities.
There is no reason why the father couldn't move to be closer to the baby if thats something he would want to do, or for her to move back after baby is born if thats something she wants to do. But the family court wont force either to move or stay after the baby is born anyway, especially considering the support network the mother is moving to be closer to!
I have been thinking about this post further and it kind of bothers me when someone gives someone advice on such an important topic (this could be her life for the next 18 years) and they actually have no idea what they are talking about. You advice is very dangerous, please do your research before you say such things and I have to question, are you there to support her or him? Please tread carefully, if your heart is in the right place, support her 100 percent, unconditionally.
I whole heartedly agree. You sound like you are being selfish and on the fathers side rather than your friends. She will need her family if she is a single mother and you are trying to stop this happening. I'd tell her to go, give birth by her parents and go from there…….
If he's emotionally / psychologically or shown any physical abuse in any way (which it may be far too early days to tell) tell her to RUN and go where she has support whist she still can. He can move to her if he wants to be in the babies life. I'd talk to all / any of his ex girlfriends to see what type of a guy he is. If he's controlling and manipulative, i'd get your friend and the baby far away. Sorry. After being imprisoned and dealing with a Narcissist i'm a bit burnt and would HATE any other woman to go through the same thing.
She's in a crappy situation where she'll get judged either way - either she's a b-word for taking his baby away from him, or she's a lazy so-and-so for not working and "living off child support and the government". Well, unless she manages to get a job in a town with limited prospects and no support network.
What she needs is to be her best self for her own sake and for her baby. She should live where she can be her best self. End of story. Be her cheer squad and don't judge her. She's going to have more than enough people judging and she doesn't need more.