Hi imperfect mums.
I'll try to keep this as informative as possible but please bare with me.
I grew up in an extremely abusive home. From as long as I can remember, there's memories of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I guess you could say we had a toxic start to life.
Over the course of my childhood I was exposed to pretty horrific things. Still to this day, it's impacted on me deeply. 5 years ago I found out I was expecting my first born and I turned the other cheek and walked away from them. It didn't just stop just like that. Avo's had to be put in place. Because of the avos, my mother lost her job and had to sell her business - something she made sure I knew and felt bad about. I've always known for the longest time I was different to them and had one hell of a drive to get out. From the age of 11 I lived on the streets and couch hopped until I met my husband.
My mother has never once admitted to being at fault for the abuse. Despite not doing it herself and rather it being by my step father and other relatives, she very much watched and didn't say a word.
I wanted to write a letter. Not necisarrily to her but writing all of my memories. Everything. The problem is no one ever reported any of the incidents.. I'm somewhat afraid to put those memories onto something material. A lot of people could potentially face jail time over the secret inside my mind. Should I find another way to release this?
I don't know what I'm asking honestly.
4 Replies
I think you need some help to process what has happened to you in a safe environment. That could be with the help of a therapist or in the form of journaling of some kind or even a mixture. You might find a therapist can help keep an eye you on you while you go through this process as sometimes opening that door can leave you at risk of a breakdown.
It's totally up to you how you do it. I didn't have your start to life but I find journaling very very helpful.
If you write a letter, don't post it to them. Burn it, put it in a drawer, what ever but don't send it. It won't be received in the way you want and will likely open the door for a toxic reaction from your family that will leave you no better off.
I agree get some professional help to talk it out and process some of it ! You might find you are encouraged to make a formal report against your abuser, and although you are concerned about them facing jail time over what you have to say , if you are factual about everything then they deserve what's coming to them ! They do not deserve to go in living a normal life after destroying yours !!!!!! You could also try thinking about how you might be protecting other children who might be exposed to this monster by reporting and documenting everything that happened to you !!
You could also find that releasing the secret from your find will be so healing and freeing for you ! Instead of reliving the trauma in your mind the more you tell your story the more you can release the feelings that accompany it and it could affect you less . I'd really encourGe you to try it . It will be hard and emotional but so worth it in the end . Xox
I grew up very similar to you I started writing after another failed relationship. It's helped me I did years of counseling and not much came off it really but I feel like I'm really purging the past and finally I can see a future I wished I'd done it years ago. Except to be highly emotional if you do decide to do it I cried a lot and it was cleansing in a way. It's not a complete fix it but it helping me good luck with what ever you decide best wishes
It is easy for some to say... seek professional advice. Don't get me wrong, they are right but what I have realised is you need to find the right professional advice. It sometimes doesn't come from the most qualified. After 4 failed attempts of seeking over a 10 year period I found a passionate graduate who I thought couldn't help me as they had no life experiences themselves. How wrong I was..... it's a bumpy ride but I have been given life skills I never knew that I had missing. Best of luck.