I'm just wondering how many other IM's are going through stressful legal battles with their exes? How do you cope financially, emotionally?
My ex partner was abusive, had an alleged past history of sexually abusing a sibling. We went to mediation & agreed on supervised visitation. Due to my very remote location myself & a family member did the supervision. My ex agreed to it then slandered me around the town & at our workplace. He hasn't told ppl the full story of what happened & I've kept quiet so I have copped alot of flak.
He only did visitation for a few months then didn't show up. He says he wants our daughter on his own. My ex has narcissistic traits, he pathologically lies, puts on a false persona etc. He also is particularly cruel to animals & has anger issues. He has threatened to kill me, he has threatened to bash friends & then paints himself as a victim. He has a current DVO in place & I have applied for an extension of the order. He told me he would destroy my life & he has in every way possible!
He tried to make me lose my job telling me how would I support my daughter with no income etc. I have had to appoint a lawyer for the past year. He'll come to an agreement I'll get it drawn up then he changes his mind. My mother has had to quit her job as I worked visitation around mine & his roster.
Each week it's another thing, recently we agreed on a joint property agreement I paid to get it drawn up, he signed now advised his lawyer not to sign as I applied to extend his DVO.
Emotionally he's screwed me over & financially this has cost me a fortune yet it's gone around in circles. I can't afford to quit my job & move town as the legal bills keep coming.
Now I've found out he's relocating & trying to get access. I don't sleep as I'm so stressed about this. He told me he will destroy my life & get our daughter as he knows that's one thing that will hurt me the most. He's been no father at all, he doesn't ask about her, didn't come to her first bday or wish her merry Xmas. Most days I am emotionally & mentally drained & cry alot. I've been to counselling alot but nothing takes away the financial stress & fear for your child.
Is anyone going thru something similar?
3 Replies
I am so sorry that you are going through such an emotionally traumatic experience, if I wrote you my story it would be almost word for word exactly the same as yours. My advice is stay strong, speak only the truth, be a voice for your child, go to court if you need to and it will all come to an end. It was four years of conflict, emotional abuse, supervised visits, court twice and 26,000 dollars (which will take a life time to pay off) before I received sole custody of my children, I never gave up and the Judge could see through all of the games and the fake persona. Many times I felt that the justice system was so wrong, I felt depressed, I felt scarred by the world, and also deeply concerned about my children's welfare. But I never gave up following my intuition, I fought my battles with honesty and love. Don't let him make you hard, be Mother Mountain protector of your children, his storms cannot break you, they may pass over you and ruffle some leaves, but you remain grounded and strong for yourself and your children. I know it is hard to believe now, but those hurtful words he is saying to you is really how he feels about himself. He is so filled with guilt and anger over his actions and his life, he threatens you and tries to control you but he cant. At the end of the day, they are just words, yes very scary words, it is terrifying to be in that position. A few things I did; 1 - Get a book and stick your child's photo on the front (this makes it special and you will use it) write down every interaction, every date, time, location and how this impacted your daughter, you can use this as evidence. 2 - Don't speak to him verbally anymore, cut off verbal communication and communicate only via text or email, this way he cant threaten you and if he does you will have evidence, simply write and say this is the way you feel comfortable communicating from now on and don't answer the phone if he rings. Be firm with this. You need to protect yourself emotionally. When I took this step the verbal threats stopped and I began to feel a little bit stronger. I was so scared that he would be angry, he was, but I had put myself and my children in a safer position. 3 - Find a good family violence counsellor you can speak to over the phone, they will help your keep your sanity and provide you with specialised information and support to help you. 4 - Self nurture, this is so important, even if it is just having a shower with a really special soap, you need to remember, you are beautiful and worthy of loving yourself. Take the time each day to love yourself, this is also great role modelling for your daughter. Good luck, I wish I could make you a cup of tea and give you a big hug, please know that there is a sister in the world who is sending you strength and love.
I am going through the same thing, my ex is violent and is very angry and controlling....I pray for peace daily
I too cry on a daily basis and feel as though my insides are a tangled mess
People say be strong and you'll get through it, and I often find myself wondering when is it going to end and how
Some people are pure evil!
I question myself daily
How did I children with a man like this?
How could I have been so naive?
Why is this happening to me?
Am I a bad person?
Will this ever end?
I know how you feel, the money for solicitors/barristers is fonomonal! And it's all such a slow moving process through the legal system
DVO's and orders aren't worth the paper they are written on as it's another court appearance to breach them and more money!
I know you've heard it before, but stay strong keep working hard, don't let this change you as a person
What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger!
I'm sending all my love and what strength I have left to you
Good things will come to you eventually, it's just a matter of when
Big hugs and luck to you beautiful lady xxxx
Thank you so much ladies. Just had court again today & it was devastating. He just lied to the magistrate straight faced lied & now looks as though he will get off without extending his DVO further even though there is clear evidence that the DV has gotten worse. I know I have long battles ahead of me, it has been such a struggle & I am exahusted. I feel I need to get away to regain strength but can not afford to do that atm. It is sometimes reassuring just to have someone that understands the situation, all my friends have their happy families and none of them have even went through anything resembling this so sometimes you feel so alone. I've cried a million rivers, the gutwretching heartache of what these people get away with and the cruelty and evil behind them is so hard to comprehend.